Changes in attitudes

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benny
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Changes in attitudes

Post by benny »

I was wondering if or how does sex change your attitude towards your spouse and when does this change happen. This was a realization I had this morning from a comment my DW made. She said "it's amazing how much stuff you do for me after we have sex, and with a smile". My first reaction was "no I don't", but the reality is I do treat her differently. I'm more tender, affectionate, caring and happy. I actually listen to her lol. Now this may sound normal but for our relationship which has experienced refusals and gatekeeping it was quite a revelation for me.
Years ago I spent a lot of time and effort before sex trying to or hoping to get her in the mood, horny or just open to sex. Many times I was left disappointed, heartbroken or dissatisfied. The build up and excitement I felt preparing for sex resulted in a bigger let down. So a few years ago I just quit trying so at least the let down wouldn't be so huge. I didn't realize I had developed a stoic/whatever approach to pre sex activities.
Over the past few years she has worked on and improved her attitude towards sex which to my satisfaction has helped us grow closer than ever before, however I didn't change my pre sex attitude; instead without realizing it, my post sex attitude went off the charts.

So does sex change anything about how you interact with your spouse?

If so do you show it pre sex, post sex or both?

Bonus question: how much time and effort do you spend on pre sexual activities?

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Re: Changes in attitudes

Post by LHK »

I know that in times of draught in our marriage, I tend to be less motivated in general. If dry spell goes on for a longer stretch, I’ll begin to withdraw and even slip into depressive emotions. So, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if my wife said I was happier, more productive in general, and more helpful to her specifically when we are more active sexually.

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Re: Changes in attitudes

Post by SeekingChange »

benny wrote: Fri Jan 14, 2022 11:50 am So does sex change anything about how you interact with your spouse?

If so do you show it pre sex, post sex or both?
I have noticed a difference in how I am treated. When it's known that sex won't be happening later, he is much more likely to do other things and give less attention and time to me. This is "pre-sex", this isn't an issue "post-sex" because in "post" we are either going to sleep or we have to get up and go for the day.

A "post-sex" difference may be more verbal, where he expresses more gratitude and love....but yet, he's pretty excessive in that department, no matter when.


In my past, just the thought of (not wanting) sex changed my attitude in a negative way, by making me avoid him or doing anything that might plant the idea, like giving any kind of physical touch or affection.

I am often guilty of wanting my space post-sex.... Okay, we had 'our' time and I gave you what you wanted and needed, now let me have my 'me' time.

Bonus question: how much time and effort do you spend on pre sexual activities?
I am not sure what you mean, are you asking how much time we spend together before sex, or about specific activities?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: Changes in attitudes

Post by benny »

I am not sure what you mean, are you asking how much time we spend together before sex, or about specific activities?
My pre sex activities would range from, cooking dinner/cleaning up to doing household stuff so it wouldn't bother her and from setting a romantic atmosphere in the bedroom,candles warming massage oil etc.. or buying lingerie/flowers type things. Does that clear it up?

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Last edited by Link+Zelda on Fri Jan 14, 2022 2:57 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Changes in attitudes

Post by SeekingChange »

benny wrote: Fri Jan 14, 2022 1:32 pm My pre sex activities would range from, cooking dinner/cleaning up to doing household stuff so it wouldn't bother her and from setting a romantic atmosphere in the bedroom,candles warming massage oil etc.. or buying lingerie/flowers type things. Does that clear it up?
Maybe? For us, any "pre-sex activities" are just normal, everyday life activities. When we changed to having a mindset of an expectancy of sex (or not, if we have set days off), it really eliminates behaviors of trying to get enough "points" to "get some" (him) or to "avoid it" by "leading him on" (me).
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: Changes in attitudes

Post by benny »

SeekingChange wrote:
benny wrote: Fri Jan 14, 2022 1:32 pm My pre sex activities would range from, cooking dinner/cleaning up to doing household stuff so it wouldn't bother her and from setting a romantic atmosphere in the bedroom,candles warming massage oil etc.. or buying lingerie/flowers type things. Does that clear it up?
Maybe? For us, any "pre-sex activities" are just normal, everyday life activities. When we changed to having a mindset of an expectancy of sex (or not, if we have set days off), it really eliminates behaviors of trying to get enough "points" to "get some" (him) or to "avoid it" by "leading him on" (me).
Thanks

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Re: Changes in attitudes

Post by PaulB »

When we have very little sex I struggled to do the loving, kind things I wanted to do for my wife. When sex increased I found it easy to do those things without even trying.

In my mind, it was not in any way a reward. It just made it easier for me to be the husband I wanted to be.

Pretty basic human nature, IMHO.
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Re: Changes in attitudes

Post by Burban »

PaulB wrote: Fri Jan 14, 2022 2:29 pm
Pretty basic human nature, IMHO.
Biology, even. Not sure if that’s what you meant, but I think that it is important to point out that, particularly for males, the “feel good” chemicals released during and after sex can have a significant impact on our willingness, or even eagerness, to care for and bless our spouses. It’s not a reflection of selfishness (you met my needs, now I’ll meet yours), just like getting antsy and grumpy due to a lack of sex/intimacy and acting in seemingly self-sabotaging ways is not so much selfish as it is our hormones having legitimate effects on our mental states.
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Re: Changes in attitudes

Post by Burban »

To answer the OP, my wife has complained in the past that I actually get grumpier and have a shorter temper after. I don’t think that’s still happening, but I guess I should be more self-aware and pay attention so I can be more intentional in my interactions with my wife, regardless of the pull of my hormones.
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Re: Changes in attitudes

Post by benny »

Burban wrote:To answer the OP, my wife has complained in the past that I actually get grumpier and have a shorter temper after. I don’t think that’s still happening, but I guess I should be more self-aware and pay attention so I can be more intentional in my interactions with my wife, regardless of the pull of my hormones.
That's interesting, why do you think you got that way after sex and not before?

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