I was glad to see @Lightbulb mention 1 Cor 7, as my gut response is that this is a situation of depriving. As is often the case, you're going to need to find a middle ground where each spouse bends some to accommodate the other. Marriage is 100/100, not 50/50...so both of you will need to put in your max effort. In my opinion, it is not okay for the higher-drive spouse to have everything sexual controlled by the lower-drive spouse, which so often seems to be the case.
This section caught my eye. While there is a small percentage of men that at your (presumably younger) age are fully satisfied with just once/week, I think it's pretty rare without a testosterone issue (rare but not unheard of). And that's coming from someone who doesn't like to point to low T as a possible cause often. Why will it "go unresolved for the timebeing if it is involved?" Are you two against hormonal treatment?Plumpurple wrote: ↑Mon Jun 20, 2022 11:26 am It seems we just have a difference in libido. It may be in part due to low T for him, but that will go unresolved for the timebeing if it is involved. So I'm looking for other suggestions on managing a difference in libido. Ideally I am interested about 3x/week, whereas he has said he is comfortable with once a week/every other week and it's just really not a big deal to him. He has no problem reaching orgasm when we do have sex, but just isn't interested a lot of the time. After beginning our conversations we had sex more frequently for a couple weeks, but we had further conversation that it's just too frequent for him to be able to enjoy/be really engaged in that regularly.
If low T isn't involved, my next guess would be mental blocks from his upbringing, particularly the Purity Culture stuff you've discussed.
Of all the info you've mentioned, this stuck out the most to me. Why aren't you interested in "just for me" sex? Many people, myself included, can struggle with that, but what is the why for you? Is it Purity Culture related? Is it shame/embarrassment of a high drive (actually, 3x/wk isn't really that high)? You mention intimacy/enjoying each other, but that is still very much available in one-side sex...for instance, cunnilingus is considered by many to be as (more) intimate as (than) intercourse.Plumpurple wrote: ↑Mon Jun 20, 2022 11:26 amI am not interested in "just for me" sex really - it's more about the intimacy of enjoying each other than the physical satisfaction for me. So if he's not enjoying it it's really doing nothing for me and causes more emotional discomfort than just foregoing sex entirely.
And why doesn't your husband enjoy it? I have no interest in doing some things my wife does (e.g. shopping) or some things she wants (e.g. redoing the bathroom). However, I very much enjoy doing them for her and would easily sacrifice many other options in order to do them. Many spouses do that in other areas, so why is sex different? Again, is it one or both of your upbringings? Does he love cooking for you, cleaning the house for you, and/or buying you gifts? If so, then why doesn't he love wrecking you in the bedroom if that's your request?
In terms of options for action, here are things that come to mind:
- Get advice for other higher-drive wives, even if that higher-drive status was only temporary. @SC already gave some input. Here at TMB, there is also @workerbee, @Violet, and @tentsofpurple. I don't know if any of those ladies is ever on these days, but you might also try @LuckyInLove (not sure if she's ever been higher drive through)...no way to now if she's reading this thread. You could also look into support networks for HrD wives. I know that J. Parker hosts one here. I bring this up simply because I know that HrD wives do face some unique challenges.
- Have you considered having sex (including PIV) with your husband without having him ejaculate? His orgasm/ejaculation will deplete his drive, but what if you had 3x/wk, but only once where he O'd? I know many women are against that and insistent the husband O's (for instance, my own wife), but I wanted to throw it out there.
- Various types of "sex for you" sessions, including: (1) him pleasuring you with OS, MS, or a toy, and (2) you masturbating with or without a toy while he was there supporting you. Both of those have a lot of appeal to many of us husbands.
- Consider solo masturbation if your husband won't participate in the above two. (This coming from a person who rarely suggests this.) It should be done with his full knowledge, but if he's depriving you, he can't insist you not solo M either. Would that be allowed if it was food? As @Lightbulb said, be sure to weigh this against the possibility of building up resentment.
- When doing all the above, make sure to communicate in a way that's not hard on his low(er) drive. Apparently, just like HrD wives have unique mental hurdles, so do LrD husbands.