Is sex a love language?

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DoveGrey
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Re: Is sex a love language?

Post by DoveGrey »

I've been thinking about this off and on today. I agree that it's not a Love Language™️ in the commonly defined sense. But in a marriage where sex is the expectation, I think the rules of that might change a bit.

There was a recent thread on a secular men's board I occasionally lurk on. The question was, "If your significant other didn't initiate sex, how would you handle it and why?" Note that this wasn't about refusal to have sex, but refusal to take the extra step of initiating.

The vast majority of responders, married or not, said they would seriously reevaluate the relationship. Not because they weren't getting any, but because lack of initiation told them that their partner clearly didn't love them (absent health considerations). Married men were less likely to suggest they'd leave the relationship altogether, but there was still this certainty that lack of initiation meant that the wife didn't love the husband. This idea was fairly universal among the hundreds of men who responded.

It was eye opening. It makes me think that after marriage when sex is, or should be, a regular thing - perhaps it is a love language. We know that love is a verb as well as a noun, and that sometimes in a long term marriage we have to make the choice to show love. Initiating sex, as opposed to merely accepting it even willingly, means we're taking an action. We're making that choice to show love. And it would seem there are a lot of guys out there who need that action in order to feel loved by the woman who has given them consent for sex. To me, that's an LL, and it goes beyond the others because of how intimate it is.

I choose, therefore, to view it as the sixth love language. It's the special one that comes into play only with one other person. I could show love to my husband with his normal LL all day, but I doubt it would be an adequate substitute for sex. Or, apparently, for initiating sex.
Myers-Briggs INFJ - The Advocate

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All the days of her life.
"

~23 years and counting~
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Re: Is sex a love language?

Post by Deleted User 3092 »

DoveGrey wrote: Wed Nov 23, 2022 10:11 pm I've been thinking about this off and on today. I agree that it's not a Love Language™️ in the commonly defined sense. But in a marriage where sex is the expectation, I think the rules of that might change a bit.

There was a recent thread on a secular men's board I occasionally lurk on. The question was, "If your significant other didn't initiate sex, how would you handle it and why?" Note that this wasn't about refusal to have sex, but refusal to take the extra step of initiating.

The vast majority of responders, married or not, said they would seriously reevaluate the relationship. Not because they weren't getting any, but because lack of initiation told them that their partner clearly didn't love them (absent health considerations). Married men were less likely to suggest they'd leave the relationship altogether, but there was still this certainty that lack of initiation meant that the wife didn't love the husband. This idea was fairly universal among the hundreds of men who responded.

It was eye opening. It makes me think that after marriage when sex is, or should be, a regular thing - perhaps it is a love language. We know that love is a verb as well as a noun, and that sometimes in a long term marriage we have to make the choice to show love. Initiating sex, as opposed to merely accepting it even willingly, means we're taking an action. We're making that choice to show love. And it would seem there are a lot of guys out there who need that action in order to feel loved by the woman who has given them consent for sex. To me, that's an LL, and it goes beyond the others because of how intimate it is.

I choose, therefore, to view it as the sixth love language. It's the special one that comes into play only with one other person. I could show love to my husband with his normal LL all day, but I doubt it would be an adequate substitute for sex. Or, apparently, for initiating sex.
Thank you for this. I would definitely concur with what you have said. I think there is an argument for an extra Love Language in the confines of marriage where sex can be the love language.
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Re: Is sex a love language?

Post by DoveGrey »

Searching wrote: Thu Nov 24, 2022 4:45 am Thank you for this. I would definitely concur with what you have said. I think there is an argument for an extra Love Language in the confines of marriage where sex can be the love language.
And thank you for initially posing the idea. I've mulled that thread over so many times since reading it. I disagree with its premise that a wife doesn't love her husband if she doesn't initiate. I've been there, and there are certainly other reasons for lack of initiation. However, the fact that so many men see it that way gave me pause for thought. It's been bothering me, and it helps me understand it better if it's framed as a love language.
Myers-Briggs INFJ - The Advocate

"She will do him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
"

~23 years and counting~
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