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Generosity - Caught or Taught?

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Beccaloo
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Generosity - Caught or Taught?

Post by Beccaloo »

More thoughts from this weekends reading.

-Can you *teach/ lead/ guide your spouse to be generous in ways that speak to you more? (*choose the word that works for you)
This can be both sexual / nonsexual.

Example: Touch is a really high LL for you, but they don't touch you enough.

-Can the above be achieved without them being left feeling that what they do isn't enough or is wrong & that they are being critisized?
Is there a right way to even attempt this?

-Can patterns learned from the family of origin be changed?

Example: Parents who didn't show PDA... Separate chairs while watching a movie... No kissing in front of the kids...
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benny
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Re: Generosity - Caught or Taught?

Post by benny »

It can only be taught or learned when the spouse in question humbles themselves and want to learn. Otherwise it's just mechanical and unsatisfying to both of you and will cause resentment down the road. Again this is from my personal experiences. It takes a lot of nonjudgmental communication to get to this point. If your spouse doesn't like to talk about sex it's a steep uphill battle.

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hastentheday
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Re: Generosity - Caught or Taught?

Post by hastentheday »

Beccaloo wrote: Mon May 17, 2021 9:14 am -Can you *teach/ lead/ guide your spouse to be generous in ways that speak to you more? (*choose the word that works for you). This can be both sexual / nonsexual.
Absolutely! First, one has to figure out what they want and need. Then, be assertive, brave and bold and just ask. You are worth what you are asking for so go for it! I've seen occasions where one spouse is totally unaware of what the other needs; this is why communication is so essential. In these cases, how will they know if they are not told?
-Can the above be achieved without them being left feeling that what they do isn't enough or is wrong & that they are being critisized? Is there a right way to even attempt this?
This is all in the tone of the asking, the timing of the asking and the way you ask. Demanding something is never a winner and should be avoided.
-Can patterns learned from the family of origin be changed?
Yes! I don't think my FOO was affectionate at all, but I have learned to be affectionate with all my kids and spouse. I still need to be even more intentional here.
Last edited by Link+Zelda on Tue May 18, 2021 7:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Fixed quote code.
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
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Beccaloo
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Re: Generosity - Caught or Taught?

Post by Beccaloo »

Beccaloo wrote: Mon May 17, 2021 9:14 am -Can patterns learned from the family of origin be changed?
hastentheday wrote: Mon May 17, 2021 10:03 am Yes! I don't think my FOO was affectionate at all, but I have learned to be affectionate with all my kids and spouse. I still need to be even more intentional here.
If I may ask a follow-up question.
Not knowing your LL's, do you think those came into play with being more affectionate with your DW & kids?

Could the answer be different if the act was low on their LL's?

Edit: If touch is low on their LL's & their FOO didn't show physical affection could this justify their actions as being ok/ right?
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Re: Generosity - Caught or Taught?

Post by hastentheday »

Beccaloo wrote: Mon May 17, 2021 10:39 am
If I may ask a follow-up question.
Not knowing your LL's, do you think those came into play with being more affectionate with your DW & kids?

Could the answer be different if the act was low on their LL's?

Edit: If touch is low on their LL's & their FOO didn't show physical affection could this justify their actions as being ok/ right?
I know my LL is quality time. I know my DW LL is words of affirmation. I do not have a high level of certainty on the LL's of all my kids. I know what it is for some of them. However, that is a good thing to find out for the ones I don't know. I'll ask DW tonight. She probably knows. So, with that as the backdrop, I'm not sure I understand the question? Maybe rephrase?
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
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Re: Generosity - Caught or Taught?

Post by SeekingChange »

In general, I think it's both... it will be caught and it will be taught.
Beccaloo wrote: Mon May 17, 2021 9:14 am -Can you *teach/ lead/ guide your spouse to be generous in ways that speak to you more?
Yes, especially if they are teachable. But even if they aren't openly wanting to learn, there are ways to set boundaries that "teaches" what is an acceptable way to be treated, or not. Realize that boundaries aren't really about changing the other person, but taking responsibility for yourself. For example, one may not be able to change their spouse from responding in an angry manner, but they can say, "I don't have to stay here and be treated this way." and then remove themselves. That is a form of "teaching" what is an acceptable/unacceptable way in how you will be treated.

For me personally, the things that go with more of my nature and my innate needs, such as personality, love languages, giftings, etc, are more of a "caught" thing. Those yearnings/nature in me are easier and more natural to just pick up and do, when I see or are around others who did them. The things that go against my nature are more "taught". My nature is not to be expressive with speech or action, so I have had to "learn" to "use my words" and to express love physically. It takes a lot of intentionality and the more I do it, the more it becomes a habit.
-Can the above be achieved without them being left feeling that what they do isn't enough or is wrong & that they are being critisized?
Is there a right way to even attempt this?
I believe there is, but as @HTD said, it could come down to the tone and the manner with which it is done. It's definitely a balancing act. Some introspection may need to happen... Do we believe that they are "wrong" or "not enough", and is that message being given, even if the words aren't coming out? I know for many of our beginning years, I absolutely believed my husband should be like me, and if he wasn't, he was "wrong" or was "lesser". I know that I gave that message to him through my attitude and actions, even if I didn't say the words. It was learning about the differences in men and women that helped change my thinking. It was learning to accept and appreciate him for who he is and how God created him, even if it was different than me and/or other men.
-Can patterns learned from the family of origin be changed?
Absolutely! I actually believe there is a huge spiritual aspect to this. There are strongholds we carry around, and don't even know it, because it is "just normal" to us. I personally believe and take the approach that the spiritual should be looked at and dealt with first, and then if needed, deal with the psychology and physical.

For me, it was seeing what I wanted different than what I had in my FOO, that made me be intentional and push past my "comfort zone" to be different in my own family. Another important step my husband and I took, was praying through and writing transfer letters. In this process, it helped us see and recognize beliefs and actions we picked up from our parents that we "transferred" onto our spouse and into our marriages. These are those "trigger" things. I can seemingly overreact to certain behaviors my husband does around spending, because I "transferred" things from my dad's behavior onto him. My dad had a favorite and he could make me feel worthless for having a very inexpensive need, while lavishly spending money on the favorite daughter. Being able to recognize what's going on and why, helps change my response to my husband.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Beccaloo
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Re: Generosity - Caught or Taught?

Post by Beccaloo »

hastentheday wrote: Mon May 17, 2021 10:58 am I'm not sure I understand the question? Maybe rephrase?
Without a catalyst behind a person, why would they change?
If I'm having my needs met & you're smiling. Everything good, right?
Why look for trouble?

You used the example of your own FOO & how you changed from that example.
I was just wondering if your answer would change if the "settings" were changed.
What if you didn't have that LL need with you already?
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Re: Generosity - Caught or Taught?

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Beccaloo wrote: Mon May 17, 2021 9:14 am Can patterns learned from the family of origin be changed?
I'm the poster child for this. I grew up in a stingy home and when I started acting that way in my marriage, I asked God to teach me to do things differently. I didn't really know what I was asking for, but I knew that I wanted to be ... well, more generous instead. Did I mention that I blog at The Generous Wife ? :D
Beccaloo wrote: Mon May 17, 2021 9:14 am Can you *teach/ lead/ guide your spouse to be generous in ways that speak to you more?
I think it works better if you just choose to be a generous spouse and let your spouse know what you need when you need it. Those are two separate things.

1) I made the choice to be a more generous wife because that is who I wanted to be.

2) I spent some time experimenting with how to ask for what I needed/wanted clearly, reasonably, and kindly. Your spouse needs to hear about what you need in the same way you need to hear about what they need. (I also had to practice responding well when Paul said no. Yup, it's difficult to stay generous, but remember they are two separate things.)

As an encouragement, I think it's something of a truism that people tend to respond in kind, so as you are generous, you make it easier for your spouse to be generous. Without even thinking about it, Paul started being generous back, noticed what was happening, and asked me what was going on. Being the guy he is, he decided he could out-generous me. :)
"People look at me like I'm a little strange, when I go around talking to squirrels and rabbits and stuff. That's OK. That's just OK." Bob Ross
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Beccaloo
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Re: Generosity - Caught or Taught?

Post by Beccaloo »

LoriB wrote: Thu May 20, 2021 3:36 pm2) I spent some time experimenting with how to ask for what I needed/wanted clearly, reasonably, and kindly. Your spouse needs to hear about what you need in the same way you need to hear about what they need. (I also had to practice responding well when Paul said no. Yup, it's difficult to stay generous, but remember they are two separate things.)
Thank you, this is very helpful. I know I need to get better at verbalizing things.
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Re: Generosity - Caught or Taught?

Post by Irnmyk »

Beccaloo wrote: Mon May 17, 2021 9:14 am More thoughts from this weekends reading.

-Can patterns learned from the family of origin be changed?

Example: Parents who didn't show PDA... Separate chairs while watching a movie... No kissing in front of the kids...
They absolutely can be changed. I was raised - there is a thread I started about it - in an alcoholic hell hole. Everything described in the book I linked applied to my upbringing.

So, if I had followed that pattern, I'd be a screaming, yelling, fit throwing mess. I was trained by the best.

I determined early on in life that I didn't want that for my future. It drove me to be VERY careful in mate selection. God blessed me - let me say that again - God blessed me in ways more than I could have asked or imagined (how could I imagine anything that I had never experienced) with a dear sweet woman who had been raised in a warm, loving, connected family. She brought all that to our marriage, and I learned to live in it, with it, and relish it.

Have I screamed at her (military training reinforced all those bad habits, too)? Yes, but it has been rare, very rare. Less than the fingers on one hand.

Have I asked myself on multiple occasions if pushing an issue to the limit - where I was sure that I could win the debate/battle/issue - was worth the cost of winning? Yes, and a thousand times yes. The cost of winning an unnecessary battle was losing the war.

So, many times, when the issue wasn't critical, I let it ride. But, but, when it was time to assert myself as the head of this household, I did it in a way that didn't mimic how I was raised.

Don't think that I'm a wimp. I'm not that at all. I am a very strong willed person, married to a very strong willed woman who has let God guide me with some wisdom from above.

That was all learned. I wasn't taught it. I'm blessed because I did learn it.

The alternative.... well, I hate to think about it.
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