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What changed was my attitude toward solving the desire mis-match problem between DW and I. I am HD, DW is LD). To address this issue we bought many, many books, and both of us put in lots of time but to no avail. DW could simply not figure out how to derive any pleasure from any sexual activity and could not orgasm. For over two decades we fell into a pattern where sex was really only enjoyable for me; this made me very, very sad and frustrated and I frankly had given up any hope that our sex life would improve.
During this time, I eventually started searching the internet for help and discovered this forum, among others. After some time DW and I decided to try again to help her derive enjoyment from sex. The biggest attitude change for me was simply to have patience and not expect results overnight, and to keep communicating my desire for her to find a way for me to help her experience more pleasure. After WAY too much time we finally turned to toys, and now she can O and in general is having much more pleasure from our sexual encounters.
I have committed myself to working as hard as I can to continue to improve our sexual connection. To achieve this, we communicate every week on this topic and as long-time readers know, we have worked out a sexual encounter schedule that meets both of our needs.
It was difficult moving from despair to hope, but it is clear that if I had not done that our marriage bed would not have improved.
I tried everything, read everything, prayed, nothing increased her desire. It is what it is and a good to great sex life just was not to be. We are still together and happy otherwise, but I feel I got cheated in the sex department and she feels like I always pressured her for too much sex.
After menopause, she has near zero sex interest, doesn't want to do it, read about it or anything. She "lets" me once or twice a week for me.
We did sex, with regularity - never as regularly as I thought I wanted it, but I never felt deprived. But we didn't talk about it. Kind of like coming to dinner and sitting down and just eating without making any comment about the food or its quality - just chowing down. That's how it was with us for sex. We did it, we didn't discuss it.
Now, and a lot of that is with the help of TMB, we discuss everything. Nothing is taboo and we make mention of it all through the day as is appropriate.
Being open about talking about it as a regular part of life - we've already had several mentions of what we anticipate for this afternoon, for example - has led to openness in other ways.
She has gone from being a very modest woman who dressed in her closet (claimed that that was where her clothes were, but I did a mental eye roll when I heard that - she was just super modest) to running into my (home) office several times most days in the buff and/or going without clothes for extended periods during some days. Those episodes are random, but that's what makes it really special to me.
I don't wear pants inside the house, as I have already stated in other threads, and only wear a tee shirt when she gives me the 'stink eye' after I've been totally nude for a while. Sitting together on the couch watching or favorite TV shows or sports usually means that she reaches over and gets her "new favorite toy" out and plays with it. (My hand is usually in a place where she really likes it too....)
Sex has changed from a routine activity that we "happened" into randomly without talking about it in the past to something this is with us minute by minute all during the day.
I think that I'd have to say on her behalf that she has realized that she likes it as much as I do (have always), if not more. She is now liberated from many of the things of the past that distracted her and inhibited her so that she can fully engage and appreciate the benefits of it all.
ETA: I returned to this to edit it after a couple of hours of thinking about what I had posted.
First clarification - there are no mechanical toys in our house - yet, that is until the time that we think that we might see the need. The "toy" she so often refers to is attached to me.
Second: I don't think that she is any less modest of a woman than she ever was, because she often says something like "you know that this isn't natural for me". I think that she just realizes that it is something that pleases me and that it is a thing that she can do for me as her part of her contribution to our sexual and, yes, hence, marriage relationship.
You've mentioned this several times, but I don't know if you're ever been specific on how long you've been reading TMB. So...how long have you been a reader?
Link,Link+Zelda wrote: ↑Fri Jul 23, 2021 8:48 amYou've mentioned this several times, but I don't know if you're ever been specific on how long you've been reading TMB. So...how long have you been a reader?
You kind of "stumped the band" here for a while. I had to do some digging. As best as I can tell, I found the TMB dot com site somewhere around 4-5 years ago while doing internet searches for PE (which I used to suffer from - at least being awful fast on the trigger whether that is defined as PE or not).
Mostly just reading the various articles at first, I didn't immediately notice the QNA board, but after a time I registered for that, but can't remember that I ever posted there. I didn't begin to post regularly until this new board kicked off and by then, we were in full swing with respect to our sexual renaissance, so I - and make that we - thought that we might have something to offer to other folks, so I began to post, and since she collaborates on some of the posts I make, make that "we".
I did find where I sent DW some links for some of the articles via e-mail a little over 3 years ago, with some more shortly following for things like FE once we had encountered that. I know that she, on the basis of what she read in the links has recommended TMB to someone close to us that I won't be any more specific about.