01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

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intrepides96
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01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by intrepides96 »

If you could go back in time and talk to yourself as a newlywed, what would you tell yourself about sex and intimacy in marriage?
Last edited by Link+Zelda on Thu Jan 13, 2022 9:03 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Made sticky and OP will stay at the top of the page.


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Re: 01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by PaulB »

If you get in the shower and it's been more than 48 hours, you masturbate. No exceptions.

This would not be my advice for most couples, but it would have made things way easier for Lori and me. She was struggling with the fallout from multiple molestations, losing her virginity when a "friend" raped her, and a less than great sex life in her previous marriage.

I was trying to give her time and space to deal with that, but I was horny 24/7 and that was bad for both of us. Back then if I'd done it in the shower and came out to find her naked and inviting, I could have made love just fine. In fact that happened once and she had no clue.

Also, she was fine with me masturbsating if she was unable.
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Re: 01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by Mr. Wonderful? »

I would talk to early 20's me about the importance of having much more direct and forthright conversations early on about expectations, frequency, and how we would navigate (MB, Non-PIV options, working with/through responsive desire, etc) drives that did not match up.
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Re: 01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by Love and Theft »

Nothing. We had a really great wedding night and a good sex life in the early years. I think we came into the marriage with healthy expectations and were relatively undamaged.

Problems developed in later decades, but there would be no reason to burden younger me with all of that.
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Re: 01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by Irnmyk »

We had a great wedding night, and honeymoon week, and years and years of "nothing to really complain about" sex after that, factoring in the appearance several years later of several kids, careers, and all the etc., that goes with that and gets in the big middle of your sex lives.

What we didn't have is what we have now, and I believe the difference is open, honest communication. We had/did sex, but we didn't talk about it - about what we were doing.

I would tell they young me, the young us to open up and talk about what was going on. I think that it is so much better now that we do that.
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Re: 01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by SeekingChange »

I would tell myself what I have learned about what sex means to my husband and how our sexuality is different. I would share the damage sexual refusal and gatekeeping can do and will do.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: 01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by Mike smith »

Now that you have bought it, learn to live with it.
Masturbate often and learn to live with very infrequent very vanilla sex without trying to change it.
Take it upon YOURSELF to ensure that you do not bring children into such a relationship.
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Re: 01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by footnassman »

Slow yourself down.....slow her down. The enjoyment is found in ascending the mountain.
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Re: 01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by Olorin »

DW and I could not have PIV intercourse for weeks after being married, and I suspect she suffered from vaginismus. I would tell myself not to hesitate in seeking professional help to resolve problems with sex. I would also have told myself to not wait over 20 years to begin exploring toys as an option to help DW achieve orgasm.
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Re: 01/13/2022 - If you could go back and talk to yourself as a newlywed about sex, what would you say?

Post by Ron »

PaulB wrote: Thu Jan 13, 2022 10:59 am
If you get in the shower and it's been more than 48 hours, you masturbate. No exceptions.

This would not be my advice for most couples, but it would have made things way easier for Lori and me. She was struggling with the fallout from multiple molestations, losing her virginity when a "friend" raped her, and a less than great sex life in her previous marriage.

I was trying to give her time and space to deal with that, but I was horny 24/7 and that was bad for both of us. Back then if I'd done it in the shower and came out to find her naked and inviting, I could have made love just fine. In fact that happened once and she had no clue.

Also, she was fine with me masturbsating if she was unable.
We have been to a marriage councilor over sex differences twice. That was almost the exact advice she gave me, masturbate at LEAST once in-between times I ask for sex from the wife. Let's me get relieve and takes pressure off her.
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