Thank you thank you thank you, this is the best advice yet! Contributing factors are that I'm a very touchy person and I have to focus all day on not touching her unnecessarily. But her rejection of my touch, even when it's warranted, feels pretty devastating to me.Link+Zelda wrote: ↑Fri Jun 04, 2021 1:23 pm We definitely have experience in this area, and honestly still encounter it to a smaller degree. After the birth of our youngest/final child, Zelda was completely touched out and didn't want any sort of contact, including kissing. We actually joked about it at times, saying that the only place she wanted to be touched was her vagina.
At its worst, that's pretty much what it was--no touching until I penetrated her. It's gotten better now, but she's still not nearly as into kissing/caressing as she used to me. She says it's not how she wants to be touched. I respond that I'm just doing what she trained me to do several years ago. She acknowledges and agrees, but says it's different now. Once the penetration started and we got going, the other touching was allowed.
Things that might help:
My wife is certainly a "want to want to" type. And she really enjoys some solid PIV once we start. Sometimes it takes a few minutes of combined penetration and vibe to get her going. That's responsive desire for you. Given that you (and presumably your wife) already know about responsive desire, you're way ahead of the curve.
- Have her mentally dump everything in her mind/on her plate to you before starting.
- Do some sort of sexy discussion or game as a warmup. You can find lots of options online.
- Get sexy music and/or lighting going in the background.
- The vibrator can definitely be useful. Probably a medium setting or pattern. My wife likes the "wave" pattern on our vibe for this.
You also mentioned her mentally putting aside her concerns. I can't help but laugh, because there is no way she'll be able to do that, and I'm sure that's a big part of her problem here. I've tried taking over the majority of the house maintenance and meals, and the last hour of the day is basically me waiting hand and foot on her with (healthy) snacks, a glass of wine, some chocolate, etc. But she is naturally an anxious person and her job is particularly stressful right now. She does her best, but I think her anxiety is part of what keeps her libido low. My wife on vacation is a totally different story .
I could try music. Sometimes we will watch a show, and part of the temptation for me is to watch something scandalous (nothing too bad, just some dumb teen drama or The Bachelor) to put her in the mood. This has worked before, but it does make me feel a little icky.
She isn't a music person (trust me, she is really great, but I know I'm mostly just highlighting her flaws here!) but she does have a few songs that she will turn on if she's feeling randy. I think they're hokey, but I'll gladly put up with them if they work! We've had sex to music before, so maybe I'll initiate with the music sometime.
Sexy talk, as mentioned in another post of mine, is likely not to work, but I can give it a try. I'll lead with the vibrator sometime.
Considering we eat meals in bed (I know, we're animals) I could maybe try to incorporate some food play. Thinking through it, I think she might actually engage in some playful "whoops, I got honey on my chest, would you lick it off please?"