TMB STUFF

Marriage affirming, romantic, and flirty T-shirts and mugs.

Learn more, or Get Stuff and save 10%

Husband Cross Dressing

This is THE PLACE to discuss if something sexual is right or wrong.
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
Post Reply
Ester
Cot
Cot
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Nov 12, 2021 11:04 am

Husband Cross Dressing

Post by Ester »

::help
My husband has cross-dressing desires. He has had it his whole life. It seems exactly the same what you can read about all over the internet; fully hetero-sexual men wanting to dress up in private. There are certainly sinfullness in this.

There are better and worse times, seems to work with stress levels. He has had specific counseling and we have spoken about these things but this is getting very heavy for our marriage.

He says it will never go away but the thoughts are really controlling his life. We just don't know what to do with it.

I know there are others experiencing the same issues and I would appreciate advice from people who know what I'm speaking about.
::tnx
 ! Message from: Link+Zelda
Note: This topic was split from the Are certain articles of clothing intended for one gender ok for the other gender to wear? thread.
Last edited by Link+Zelda on Sat Nov 13, 2021 11:12 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Moved to its own thread.
David
California King
California King
Posts: 694
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Are certain articles of clothing intended for one gender ok for the other gender to wear?

Post by David »

@Ester, it may be helpful to start a new thread to discuss that issue specifically.
Mod note: thanks, done.

It sounds like that's a real difficulty for your husband, and the fact that he both admits his struggle and is seeking help with it is a really positive sign.
Last edited by Link+Zelda on Sat Nov 13, 2021 11:13 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Added mod note.
User avatar
SeekingChange
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 5405
Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2020 8:45 pm
Location: All I know is I'm not home yet

Re: Husband Cross Dressing

Post by SeekingChange »

Ester wrote: Fri Nov 12, 2021 10:28 pm .....fully hetero-sexual men wanting to dress up in private. There are certainly sinfullness in this.

...... He has had specific counseling and we have spoken about these things but this is getting very heavy for our marriage.

He says it will never go away but the thoughts are really controlling his life. We just don't know what to do with it.

I know there are others experiencing the same issues and I would appreciate advice from people who know what I'm speaking about.
Welcome Ester! I don't have personal experience in this exact area, but I have some questions. Share what you are comfortable with.

1) What "sinfulness" has he determined is happening? (Has God called it sin, in the context of the new covenant, or is it a self-imposed "sin"?)

2) Will you expand more on how, or what you mean by, "it's getting heavy for our marriage"?

3) How is this hindering his life and your relationship?

4) What does he do when he dresses up, e.g. lounge around in private, go out in public, etc? What level of cross-dressing does he do, e.g. is it a preference for satiny panties on his skin, or all out dress-up with make-up and all, or somewhere in between?

I have heard it said "It's easier to say "yes" to Jesus than "no" to all our [sin, flesh, desires.]" No matter one's temptation, the key could be saying "yes" to Jesus and His desire for us and what He's calling us to do, rather than trying to put our flesh and sin under the "law" and rules.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
Ester
Cot
Cot
Posts: 2
Joined: Fri Nov 12, 2021 11:04 am

Re: Husband Cross Dressing

Post by Ester »

Thanks SeekingChange for your questions. Let me try answer..
1) What "sinfulness" has he determined is happening? (Has God called it sin, in the context of the new covenant, or is it a self-imposed "sin"?)
I think the "sin" is the addiction, how his entire life evolves around thoughts and plans to get "his fix". Lies, control of life. He spends big junks of his work time looking for things etc. planning because he can't concentrate on anything else.

2) Will you expand more on how, or what you mean by, "it's getting heavy for our marriage"?

3) How is this hindering his life and your relationship?

For me it feels like he is having affair. Secrets. At times he sees me as an obsticle hindering him from doing as he desires, if he wasn't married he would feel more free to do this, as he is not hurting anyone else.
It is difficult to trust him. Even he tries to tell me how he still loves me and his cross dressing desire doesn't have anything to do with me or doesn't hinder his desire for me.
4) What does he do when he dresses up, e.g. lounge around in private, go out in public, etc? What level of cross-dressing does he do, e.g. is it a preference for satiny panties on his skin, or all out dress-up with make-up and all, or somewhere in between?
He has all kinds of desires but doesn't want anyone to see or know because feels ashamed. But at the same time he would like to go around with things under his top clothes. He is recognizing that the more you give in, the more you desire. But since he is struggling and can't let it go he wants to "allow" the small acts, such as panties in private. I have such a doubt for it staying there if he starts playing around.

He is seeking my blessing for his decision but I just can't find the right answer for this situation.
User avatar
SeekingChange
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 5405
Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2020 8:45 pm
Location: All I know is I'm not home yet

Re: Husband Cross Dressing

Post by SeekingChange »

Ester, thank you for answering. Before replying to specific things you shared, I have more questions :)

Let's imagine a hypothetical situation, for now, and say that there was nothing in and of itself sinful about his desires and him wearing some things under his top clothes, as you said. Also, there are no secrets or lies (deception) around it, meaning, you are fully aware beforehand, what's going on, what he's wearing and when. How would you feel about it then? Would you still have an issue? If so, can you dig down and figure out why? What's it making you feel?

An example, there's a sexual activity that I don't believe is sinful, in and of itself. I even give my blessing for other couples to enjoy it, if they both so desire. But I am uncomfortable participating in it for myself, even though my husband has a desire to experience it. I recognize I may not always feel this way, and one day I may be comfortable with trying it out, but for now, I have a hard time with the concept of having my husband in a passive/submissive/receiver sexual role, whether right or wrong, I associate it to being more feminine. In my thoughts/feelings, which I am not saying are true or right, but they are what they are and unless they are recognized, they can't be dealt with, anyway, this "associated feminine behavior" triggers a very deep need in me to be lead, guarded and protected, and I have felt unsafe enough elsewhere in life, I don't want to bring that into the most intimate places and leave me feeling vulnerable, at the very least. I/we also have some other history that would make me more sensitive to this.

Here's my point, something doesn't have to be "sin" for us to be uncomfortable with it, and for us to own our emotions towards that idea. Some things may not be "right" for us, for a time. If another can understand the emotion behind someone's reaction, they may have an easier time trying to accommodate the other. I also want to add, I never want to "settle into" my own brokenness, when I could take steps into being whole and healed, therefore I encourage others, as I do for myself, to work with the Holy Spirit, The Counselor, to continue to grow and work at being healthy (mental, emotional and spiritual) and whole. And the hopes would be, that the things that bother me and "trigger" me now, won't in the future.

In any (healthy) marriage, this should go both directions. That is part of the oneness and the two working together to become one. We each should be working towards intimacy and helping, encouraging and spurring each other into "maturity", aka wholeness and health. And love should be what covers it and saturates our actions.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
Ron
California King
California King
Posts: 804
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Husband Cross Dressing

Post by Ron »

If it bothers you, then I would say it is a problem. If he can't express himself fully to you, then there is a problem.

My wife and I worked different hours years ago. When I was home alone, I wore panties a lot, never to work. Didn't have a desire to wear bras or do makeup, just wanted to wear panties. I would clean house sometimes and I always like to just wear my underwear when I did and usually wore panties. One day, wife came home early from work and caught me wearing them. Wasn't sure what she was going to say, but after a few minutes, she laughed and said she didn't care what I wore as long as I would clean house.

After that, I bought men's underwear that was pretty feminine, bikinis that were thin, but made for me. I wore them all the time for several years.
User avatar
PaulB
Site Admin
Site Admin
Posts: 782
Joined: Tue Dec 22, 2020 4:53 pm
Location: Eastern Washington
Contact:

Re: Husband Cross Dressing

Post by PaulB »

For me the issue is why.

Early on I had a somewhat unconventional desire. I didn't think it was sinful, but I felt it was my reaction to something else. I decided to find and deal with the root cause and not satisfy the desire. As I came to understand the reason I wanted it, I can honestly say the desire went away.

So while your husband is convinced this will never go away, he may be wrong.

This would be something Transformation Prayer Ministry would address very well. Lori and I did something similar on our own with several things, including the desire I mentioned above.
Happily married for 36 years and living the good life near two of our grandsons!

Marriage and Sex Educator & Blogger
The Generous HusbandThe XY Code
Post Reply

Return to “Okay, Bad Idea, or Sin?”