How do/did you maintain sex, during children years?

Parenting and maintaining sexual intimacy, breastfeeding, co-sleeping, and more.
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SeekingChange
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Re: How do/did you maintain sex, during children years?

Post by SeekingChange »

Pearl, praying for you. There are times I wish I could go back just to enjoy my kids, but really, it is an exhausting time, and to add marriage troubles on it, is like a perfect storm. Yet, so many go through it, that God must have a plan in all of it...the Refiner's fire. Hang in there mama! {hugs}
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: How do/did you maintain sex, during children years?

Post by ng95901 »

Do/did you consider yourself having a healthy sex life in that time?

I would say yes. It was a long time ago for us since we have a teenager and two grown adult children now, but despite the chaos of learning to be new parents combined with some health issues, we still managed to find a way to make time. Given that we mutually enjoy other means of sex outside the traditional ways, it made it easy for us to sneak it in to maintain both frequency and that physical connection during the early months with our newborn. By the time we had the second and third child, we were seasoned enough parents with a well rehearsed routine and we quickly adapted by modifying the same techniques.

What are practical ways you maintained a sex life? Whether it's self-care, or with the child(ren).

The biggest thing I did was give my wife a break from the children whenever she needed it. It was as simple as handling the feedings, diaper changes, night time glasses of water and the cleanup so she could get her sleep since she is one of those eight hour folks who simply can't miss any sleep. I was and still am a light sleeper so I was usually the last to go to bed and the first to get up if one of the children woke up. By the time our third child was born, I had begun the transition to a stay at home dad while recuperating from an industrial accident while my wife decided to pursue a career outside the home. Eventually as it became clear that I would not recover fully, I stayed in that role until the children were well into their teenage years. I think this helped my wife immensely and I think it helped us maintain a quality sex life as a result.

Are there things you would do differently, if you are past that season?


I was initially not happy about the transition to a stay at home dad until I got to experience something that most fathers rarely do-day to day child rearing of all three of our kids. Once I accepted my role and threw myself into it wholeheartedly, it gave me an appreciation for all stay at home parents and also an experience that I could never have anticipated. So the injury ended up being a blessing in disguise despite the long term effects of the injury itself. Helping my wife by handling as much of the night time wakeup calls was also beneficial for us as a couple and our sex-life so I would say that despite the difficult circumstances that led to it, I wouldn't change a thing about it. It gave me the opportunity to help her, experience parenting in a new way and achieve my life long goals such as finishing my college education to pursue my passion about human sexuality. So I would say we would have done it the same way had we had to do it all over again.
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Re: How do/did you maintain sex, during children years?

Post by Deleted User 2085 »

SeekingChange wrote: Mon Oct 18, 2021 10:32 am Whether you have young children (infant-11yrs) now, or you had them in the past, how well did you ride, sexually speaking, through that season?
Our "children years" may have lasted a bit longer than for others. Started at age 24. Youngest daughter was born in our later middle age. On the day I accepted my full service retirement, age 66.5, we still had a teenager in the house. We were also raising three grandchildren.

From the start, we had strict rules about "invasion of privacy." At the same time, I made extra efforts to include children in all activities, including leaving the bed room door open in the morning so they could come to us. We were married twenty years before we were able to celebrate Christmas morning together so such things were important.

I am not certain how we managed but we did manage to continue with a normal, healthy sex life. Maybe the privacy rules worked.

The only problem we experienced came from family members outside the home. "Concerned, well meaning" laws and in-laws took offense to our having a baby later in life and, at the same time, raising grandchildren. One even attempted to have the baby removed due to "possible neglect" and "people that old should not have children". The state investigated us and stated, in court, we were "exemplary parents." During this period of legal fighting, our sex lives took a hit due to stress but we were victorious.

The youngest, college girl, is still in our home. I built a connected apartment in which she lives. She and we have privacy. Unfortunately, her siblings moved back due to their failed marriages. Two ES age grandchildren. Once again, I stated very strict rules.
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Re: How do/did you maintain sex, during children years?

Post by Tantalum »

I don’t know but in all honesty, it didn’t seem too difficult to find the time for a bit of marital get-together after bedtime.
I guess we always had an understanding that the bedroom is a private place, theirs as well as ours.
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Re: How do/did you maintain sex, during children years?

Post by Jackie1980 »

I guess I will just talk about my youngest daughter because that's whats happening now. I don't know what happened but during this pregnancy my sex drive was HUGE and it has stayed that way since giving birth all the way up till today. The problem is while I feel I have reached my peak now at age 42 my husband as massively slowing down. But I would still say we have a healthy sex life. It helps that my oldest doesn't mind watching the baby while we have 'alone time'. The one thing that has really helped was quitting my job, otherwise i don't know what type of situation we would be in. We also always have a day that we set aside for "alone time" even if it is just oral I feel it's a way to keep our sex lives on track.
proverbs519man
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Re: How do/did you maintain sex, during children years?

Post by proverbs519man »

How much did you desire sex with a HUGE drive?
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Re: How do/did you maintain sex, during children years?

Post by Jackie1980 »

How much did you desire sex with a HUGE drive?

Honestly, from the time I got up to the time I went to bed.
Last edited by Link+Zelda on Wed Oct 12, 2022 12:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Added quote code.
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Re: How do/did you maintain sex, during children years?

Post by olafthewise »

There are facts on this subject that I learned all too late.
First of all, we all have "tanks" to be filled depending on our personality and gender.
Women, especially my wife, tend to be filled in her relationships, talking, planning raising kids. It fulfilled her and still does. when young she could not shut off her emotions and thought on each kid we had. (8+ kids) Therefore, sex was on a list, 5th or tenth perhaps. If all planets aligned, kids were all good and asleep, money coming in, she was not angry with me, then sex and her orgasm would happen. To make things worse, smart phones/androids appeared.
If you are a new mom, baby fills your tank.
Husband tank filled by success and sex.
So,
Husband goes to work, and one of two things happen; one is, he sees several attractive women OR...he see mostly men, works hard, takes boss abuse, produces much and returns home and sees his young wife and "wants" her, thinks "maybe later...?"
However, she is glad he is home to do domestic chores and sit with kids so she can go sit or do whatever could not be done or dinner, or call her mom/friends or to go get ready for bed to...SLEEP!!
For him, even if he cooperates with domestic chores and kid duty and goes to shower and get ready for bed, she is in bed and available.

Perhaps she got comfy. panties only, or short shirt and tiny panty or just a shirt or took bath and collapsed into bed nude (he notices this as HIS gift)...doesnt matter, she collapsed into bed to sleep!! He tries to arrouse her but she won't have it and response is that she is tired. He is angry. The subject and his attitude makes her angry. His further reaction is one of frustration, distance and aims his unhappiness partly on the kids.
If he is low sex drive (20% of men), he will last a little longer and pour his time into kids.

Remember, her tank is filled by conversations mostly with friends often him too but sex is not the tank filler for her. Remember, his tank is filled by success (job) and sex. If he lost his job AND there is no sex, he is a ruined man.
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