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2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

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oldiesradio
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Re: 2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

Post by oldiesradio »

Thanks, newwifenewlife, for that very sage advice. Our relationship on all things outside the bedroom has been great. She is very gracious and respectful of my feelings, and says that I am very patient and don't have the same explosive temper that her ex had. I will do my very best to live up to that.

We both married the first time when we were quite young, and since we weren't practicing Christians we both had a lot of sex with our former spouses during the courtship. So everything sorted itself out and as I said, no surprises. The fact that we've waited until the wedding night to unwrap our candy is a new and strange dynamic for both of us.

Oh, my, yes, I do have nightmares that in the throes of passion I am going to blurt out the ex's name by mistake.
We talk about our exes a lot as like I said it's impossible to totally excise them from your life's story. But I would really not want their names coming up in the context of the bedroom.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: 2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

Post by newwifenewlife »

oldiesradio wrote: Tue Jun 08, 2021 7:23 am ...
We talk about our exes a lot as like I said it's impossible to totally excise them from your life's story. ...
You are correct. They are part of your life's story and you can't change that. How each of you accept that, respond to and frame those stories and situations are important to how you move forward.

You can also talk about things you would like to see/enjoy without referring to your previous sexual partner and she should be able to do the same. Just don't wait for the wedding. Talk about it now. You may discover issues that you need to unpack before you marry and even with professional help. Not doing so would be foolish. Set your sexpectations. If your wife isn't comfortable sexting and you want that, you may be setting both of you up for failure and a major conflict. She's not your ex, she's her own self and never confuse the two. You guys get to create your own relationship and ways of interacting, initiating, flirting and new ways will come about. I know you know this BUT we're human (and male) and we can still find a way to get in trouble. :roll:

Also talk about what you do NOT want to have for your marriage and marriage bed. It may bring up histories, baggage and other topics for discussion. How do you feel about...? What if this happened? Etc. Feeling questions are great to ask a partner because they are an expert on their feelings (real, valid...or not), you are looking for conversation, insight and emotional connection as well as "caution or stop signs" which mean you should slow down or "stop" and not proceed until the coast is clear.
Irnmyk
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Re: 2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

Post by Irnmyk »

@NWNL,

I didn't quote your posts to start this because that that would make this reply way too long, but they are up there before this one for all to read.

I, and I suspect that I wasn't alone on the board, was waiting for you to wade in on this one. I read your many posts with differing levels of interest, but knew that this one would be a good one.

It is more than a good one, it is absolutely fantastic, spot on - running out of superlatives here to describe it. Thank you for what you did (said, wrote, whatever).

I'd go one step further and recommend to PaulB that this one become a "best of" thread, and/or that a new Topic be started on the board for just this situation and this thread be moved there.

@oldiesradio (like the handle), I hope that you are taking in all that @NWNL has said here. It was from the heart and from hard experience.
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Re: 2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

Post by MrEden »

Hi OldiesRadio--

Congratulations!

I am not divorced, but think I can share some experiences that are relevant.

First of all, do not assume that her age is going to in any way lessen her libido, vaginal health, or ability to lubricate and orgasm. Unlike us guys, age can really work in a woman's favor when it comes to sex. Oftentimes a woman will have a higher testosterone-estrogen ratio after menopause, improving her in these areas. This happened for my wife. My wife sailed thru menopause with only a few hot flashes, and afterwards became multiorgasmic! Unfortunately, cancer claimed her ovaries, so she went from having the best sex of her life to the worst in a matter of weeks.

So she went on Bioidentical Hormone Replacement Therapy. Now, in her early 60's, she is is again enjoying the best sex of her life. She even squirts occasionally!

So discuss this with her -- she should have some idea of her sexual health -- I assume she has needs that she takes care of herself (something else to talk about). I can help you find a bHRT doctor.

One thing that gives me pause is that here you guys are engaged, yet have not had the most basic conversations about sex. Don't let the fact that you were previously married cause you to talk less about sex than an engaged couple normally would. Everyone goes into marriage with expectations. Seems that that would be especially true for someone who has been married before. That's fine. Your past is part of who you are. I don't see anything to be gained by ignoring it. Furthermore, your past experience was gained legitimately. There was no sin involved. Nothing to be ashamed of.

Why not get a copy of the book Sheet Music, read thru it together and discuss it?
What if the sex is not as good as it was with my ex? I think it terribly unfair to my fiancée to compare her to my ex, but at some level I know my mind is just going to go there.

At the same time I wonder if she will be making the same comparisons between myself and her ex. Her ex was physically a much larger man, so I presume he was also physically larger “down there”. What if I don’t compare favorably and she is unpleasantly surprised on our wedding night?
Sex will be different. One thing that fascinates me reading here on TMB and other sites is how different each couple's experience is. I suppose some aspects will be better, some will be worse, but I bet it will mostly just be different. The important thing is that she will now be doing it with someone who loves her and is committed to her for life. The physical aspect won't be the best her first time, but emotionally, I doubt she will be disappointed.

Truthfully, things probably won't be as good as with your exs at first. It will take some time to learn each other and get back in the saddle yourselves. But as in any good marriage, your sexuality will continue to grow, and eventually it WILL be better than anything you ever had before, guaranteed.

One would think that a smaller woman would have a tighter vagina, but not necessarily. Like penises, what you do with them is way more important than what size they are. She absolutely should start doing Kegel exercises today. I know from her diaphragm size that my wife is on the small side. But post-pregnancy sex feels much better, because of the Kegel's she did in preparation.
I guess the risk in telling her explicitly what I like/don't like is that again my whole frame of sexual reference is my ex. When I tell her what I like sexually it will be because I liked that when my ex did it to me, and that again is putting her in the box of comparison. If she does not like or does not feel comfortable with something that I like I don't want her to feel like I am putting her up for that comparison (or worse, that she is falling short on it).
Well, look at it this way. Before you had sex the first time ever with your first wife, did you have any idea what you would like and not like? Of course you did. What guy isn't going to enjoy fellatio? I knew I would be a big boob man from age 13 🤣 ("big" here refers to my appreciation of boobs, not necessarily the size of said boobs 🙂.) So what if you discovered something that you enjoy that you didn't think you would before marriage? That's fine. Talk about it. Also, talk about how you will handle it if either of you develop desires for some activity that neither of you are currently interested in or perhaps haven't even thought of? Will your marriage have an element of the joy of exploration in it?
After more than seven years of not being anywhere remotely close to a V I suspect that my first ejaculation is going to come very quickly and she is not going to be very satisfied with that either.
Dude, don't worry about that! If she knows anything at all about men, she will realize this is what is going to happen. ( But do discuss it and make SURE she realizes it :-). ) She will just take it as confirmation of how much you love her and how sexy she is. Ejaculating immediately upon entry (or before 😳) will be a far cry better than having to work at it. For your first time, bring her to orgasm manually or orally before having yours. The majority of women cannot come from PIV alone anyway. Something else to discuss!
My ex used to send me naughty, flirtatious texts on a regular basis which I really did enjoy. My fiancee and I have been texting each other daily for several years and she has never sent me one that I'd put in that category. I jokingly refer to my fiancee as "Church Lady" (which is not a knock, it's a visible manifestation of many wonderful and endearing things about her). But she is very classy and refined and I don't know whether she has it in her to send me a text implying something naughty.
Have YOU ever sent her a text message that falls into that category? Take the lead! If she is really a prude, best to deal with it now.

Finally, don't think of your wedding night as "looming." My God, you make it sound like upcoming surgery. Think of it as something that, even when 24 hours away, is still too far off. Go into it not knowing what to expect, but agree to enjoy the adventure no matter what happens.

Blessings to you and your wonderful wife in your upcoming marriage. Congratulations on waiting!
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hastentheday
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Re: 2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

Post by hastentheday »

MrEden wrote: Fri Jun 11, 2021 1:18 pm
My ex used to send me naughty, flirtatious texts on a regular basis which I really did enjoy. My fiancee and I have been texting each other daily for several years and she has never sent me one that I'd put in that category. I jokingly refer to my fiancee as "Church Lady" (which is not a knock, it's a visible manifestation of many wonderful and endearing things about her). But she is very classy and refined and I don't know whether she has it in her to send me a text implying something naughty.
Have YOU ever sent her a text message that falls into that category? Take the lead! If she is really a prude, best to deal with it now.
@MrEden (and @OldiesRadio)
Excellent stuff MrEden! Really, really good advice. However, I do have to disagree on the least important part of the post, "the flirtatious text part". As much as I would love to do this pretty much on a daily basis, my DW does not want me to do this at all. And, she is NOT a prude. Some people are just really private (respect that!) and the other thing, I happen to agree with her on BIG TECH is watching and seems to have access to everything whether or not we want them to. So, KNOW that there are differences between people in this area and what is going on could be as simple as what I just described.
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
oldiesradio
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Re: 2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

Post by oldiesradio »

I fully agree with that last part. I am not sending her any texts of this nature unless I am first certain that she wants to receive them.

Everyone has a different personality. My fiancee is very different from my ex in many ways. Given how my marriage ended that's probably a good thing. Some of the things that made my ex flirtatious, fun and dynamite in the sack also appear to have led her into some very dark places that ended our marriage. If my future DW prefers a more restrained approach that's probably not a bad thing.

In mulling this over the weekend I think one possibility is that her definition of purity might be a bit too all-encompassing. Talking about doing certain things is not the same as doing them, but we may be drawing those lines differently.

As I said she is her own person, has a right to be herself, and I don't want to pressure her with comparisons to my ex. We find it difficult to discuss life in general without bringing up our exes, and since we were both monogamous for decades discussing sexual likes and dislikes without bringing them up is truly impossible.

My ex was frankly really, really good at sex, which makes me hesitant to bring up topics that might lead to comparisons.
Irnmyk
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Re: 2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

Post by Irnmyk »

I want to say just talk it out - don't make ANY assumptions.

I thought about @HTD's post a lot over the weekend. You previously described your intended by a nickname "Church Lady". While my DW doesn't have that nickname, if anyone called her that she wouldn't ask why they did it.

She is dignified in her presentation, well dressed, properly attired always and well respected. I'm pretty proud to walk down the aisle at church with her as we take our seats. Her time as Bible Teacher, Counselor, mentor, mother, grandmother, nurturer, confidant, friend, etc., has cast her image as the elegant woman that she presents today.

While she may be a tiger in our bedroom, she could easily, easily come across as a prude outside our home. (I like it that way.)

We've talked about more than a few times in the past that 'sexting' wasn't for us, especially since the young grandchildren seem to be able to get their hands on her phone from time to time. So, we just haven't done it - not a hint of it.

Fast forward to a few weeks ago when she was returning from a several day visit away from home, and was just flat worn out from all the activity that she had been engaged in. She complained to me (via text) as she began her nearly day long drive home that she was really sleepy right at the outset.

I texted her that I could send her something to keep her awake, and the next text was a photo of my junk. She immediately texted back that I shouldn't be putting that on her phone to which I replied 'you can just delete it'.

Well, I had her phone (at her request for some reason) recently and I checked and she HADN'T deleted it.... Hmmm.... More than that, a few days ago, I was away doing some kinds of errands, not in too big of a rush and I got a text from her saying 'I came across that photo that you sent me and I want some of that - get home immediately!!!'. (Didn't take me long to get home...)

Well, I told all that to say that just weeks ago, I would have told you that my assumption would have been that that would never have happened - on both our parts. I probably would have written a post much like @HTD's. Looks like I would have been wrong. I was fully to take the consequences - prepared for her to text back and say that "the minute that I get home, I am going to slap your face", but she didn't.

Use my story to start a conversation on this topic by saying to her "you wouldn't believe what this guy did" and tell her. It should be a good test of her reaction, it should give you a good gauge of which way to go with respect to things like that.

I'll just say - and there are previous posts of mine related to it - that a lot of my previous assumptions - some decades old - about my DW and our MB are in the dumper now due, to a variety of things, not the least of which is the availability that Covid sequestration has given us. I don't assume ANYTHING now, we discuss.
oldiesradio
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Re: 2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

Post by oldiesradio »

I appreciate all of the input from everyone here. It helps to get outside perspective from others who have already been there.
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hastentheday
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Re: 2nd. Wedding Night looming, a prospect I had never anticipated

Post by hastentheday »

To each their own.....And, I have discussed this ad nauseum with DW this EXACT issue. It's time to really listen to her and to not change the circumstances or try to change her. Each marriage is different and I do what is best for mine. And, I trust you will do what is best for yours.
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
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