Special Groups

We have sections you must join to use. You can see the full list here. Most you can join with a click. The medical and pastoral groups require approval.
Note, some groups were not accepting new members properly. That is fixed.

Uphill journey

Low or no sex drive?
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
Post Reply
2Cor517
Single
Single
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Apr 26, 2021 2:15 pm

Uphill journey

Post by 2Cor517 »

I have a much higher drive than my DW. Frankly, it is a divine miracle that we ever have sex. There are some definite contributing factors to her reluctance: (1) FOO is tragic. Her father was physically, spirituality and emotionally abusive. Her mother decided to leave her father when DW was 5. Her relationship with her father basically ended at that point and her relationship with her mother has been very rocky since then. Feeling loved is not something she is used to. (2) She struggles with anxiety/depression/migraine. There has been great improvement in this area but overall, one of the 3 will usually put the brakes on sex. (3) Prior relationship hurts that are still not healed. A BF intimidated and coerced her to do specific sexual acts that left some emotional damage. (4) Medication side effects have eliminated her ability to O. She has only been taking it for a few months and it has helped with anxiety but what an unfortunate price to pay. (5) Body image/weight issue. She is about 50 lbs overweight and that dominates her mind all of the time. I don't ever talk about it nor do I have a problem with it. To be quite honest, I don't even think about it. (6) She is a SAHM with an extreme extrovert 7 year old and a special needs 5 year old. At the end of the day, she is extremely exhausted and finding time to ML is never a priority.

With these burdens to bear, she will agree to have sex with me occasionally. When she does, it is pretty much to shut me up with the hopes that I won't suggest again for a while. I certainly don't suggest it to her everyday but when I do, there is always an excuse at the ready. She makes it very clear that it is something that she does not enjoy. More than once I have been told "That was just for you." I wish I could explain how horrible that makes me feel. Basically in her mind, having sex with me is nothing more than a chore or duty that is a part of our marriage that she has to put up with. No enjoyment on her part with some resentment thrown in.

My mindset right now is to do the best I can to bless and love her in non-sexual ways. The priority would be praying with her and for her. Next would be to do what I can to make her feel appreciated and honored. Covid has put a damper on date night but I know we have to continue that tradition.

Beyond that, I am open to comments and suggestions. Thank you so much for your support and prayers.
User avatar
benny
Queen bed
Queen bed
Posts: 174
Joined: Mon Jan 11, 2021 12:53 pm

Re: Uphill journey

Post by benny »

Don't give up, I know how you feel, I too was in a similar situation. But lot's of prayers and non judgmental conversation with her has started things in the right direction. Keep doing the right things for her that a good husband should and give her some space to come to her own conclusions of how a wife should be. Our prayers are with you and your wife.

Sent from my moto g power using Tapatalk

User avatar
DoveGrey
California King
California King
Posts: 714
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Uphill journey

Post by DoveGrey »

Oh, 2Cor, my prayers go out for both of you. What a road to travel!

My thoughts, given my background:

1. I believe you said in your intro that a therapist is already involved. Is that for you, your wife, or the both of you? She needs someone to help her through difficulties.

2. On feeling loved - Often, someone who has been hurt so badly does not feel that they are worthy of love. In this case, I've seen therapists have their clients imagine what they looked like as a baby. As precious as your wife was when she was a baby, she is still that precious. Even more so in God's eyes.

When I was in that situation, my husband wrote me a letter that reminded me of everything he loved about me, from the start of our relationship up until then. It's not fancy. It will never be published like Browning's poems. But it was beautiful. I used to read it when I felt low. It reminded me that I have value.

You can even take that a step further. Create a photo album on Shutterfly or the like of your best days with her. The days where you were perfect together. Caption it with what makes her special to you. Not her works, but who she is. She'll treasure it, and she'll use it as a reminder that she deserves love. (But a simple letter is good, too.)

----
Without that sense of worthiness, the rest becomes tough. I'd say to get that in place first. Beyond that, my thoughts are:

3. Anger letters that are written to people who have hurt her are amazingly effective. She wouldn't send them, but it would allow her to work a lot of garbage out of her system. I wrote a 20 page letter to my abusive ex once. You can't even read it at the end because of how furiously I was writing. It was all the things I wanted to say but didn't. I was able to process everything from the first date to the final night. It took 2 hours to write. By the end, I felt physically lighter, as though his weight was finally gone.

4. What kind of exercise does she do? Not for weight, but for the endorphins. 20 minutes daily are enough to mimic a lower dose of an antidepressant. It doesn't replace meds, but it's essential. When I was hospitalized for depression, it was one of the two requirements to stay in the outpatient program (meds were the second). My current psychiatrist says that it's the one thing his more stable patients have in common.

If she doesn't do anything, she'd be so much better off if you took the kids for 20 minutes daily so she could even just walk. Bonus: she gets some time to herself and will be in a better headspace when she gets back.

I have other thoughts as well, but I've already written a book. And I know there are others here who will say what else is on my mind. You're in the right place, and I'm glad you're here.
Wife of 21 years
User avatar
hastentheday
Queen bed
Queen bed
Posts: 230
Joined: Mon Feb 01, 2021 7:33 pm

Re: Uphill journey

Post by hastentheday »

2Cor517 wrote: Wed Apr 28, 2021 4:11 pm I have a much higher drive than my DW. Frankly, it is a divine miracle that we ever have sex.

With these burdens to bear, she will agree to have sex with me occasionally. When she does, it is pretty much to shut me up with the hopes that I won't suggest again for a while. I certainly don't suggest it to her everyday but when I do, there is always an excuse at the ready. She makes it very clear that it is something that she does not enjoy. More than once I have been told "That was just for you." I wish I could explain how horrible that makes me feel. Basically in her mind, having sex with me is nothing more than a chore or duty that is a part of our marriage that she has to put up with. No enjoyment on her part with some resentment thrown in.

Beyond that, I am open to comments and suggestions. Thank you so much for your support and prayers.
If you spend enough time on these boards, you will read about many marriages whose drives do not begin to match up at all. This is nothing new and you are by no means alone.

I am wondering if your wife would be willing to entertain the idea of scheduled sex. Crazy, right? Please don't knock it until you give it a try. This works for a lot of couples and discussion will be further needed to arrive at a schedule that is amiable to both parties.
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
2Cor517
Single
Single
Posts: 10
Joined: Mon Apr 26, 2021 2:15 pm

Re: Uphill journey

Post by 2Cor517 »

Thank you for replying everyone.

I'll try to answer the questions/input that were replied so far.

Yes, she is seeing a Christian therapist. There have been huge victories for her in the last 6 months.

In regard to the letter, she wrote one to her father about a year ago. It was written in the form of forgiveness. This was very therapeutic for her. In counseling she discovered that we are commanded in Scripture to forgive. So out of obedience and of her own volition, she wrote a letter to him stating that she forgives him. It was never sent to him. It was just an exercise in forgiveness.

Regarding exercise, I am in total agreement. I will have to put on my salesman hat and convince her though.

In regard to scheduling sex, I will ask DW what she thinks. My guess is that it will be met with opposition but God has changed her heart before so I might be surprised.
Post Reply

Return to “Lack of Desire”