Christian couple here, both in our late 50s, married for almost 30 years.
The issue is, I desire sex more frequently than my wife. My desire is for sexual activity 3 or more times a week. My wife seems content with our current frequency of once every other week, or twice a month. When first married, sex was daily (or more), except when she had her period. Even then she would take care of me either manually or orally. That lasted about 5 years and has slowly decreased to our current level.
Additionally, our current sex is very plain. I always make sure she orgasms first through manual stimulation and then we have PIV intercourse only in the missionary position. I desire use of many different positions ( woman on top, rear entry, etc.) and activities (PIV intercourse, oral, mutual masturbation, etc.) like we used to do when first married.
To top it off, she’s very physically fit and has never looked better. My desire for her is strong.
How do I broach the subject of frequency with her and get her to be more sexually adventurous?
Unmatched Desire
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Plumpurple
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Re: Unmatched Desire
I would start with saying how much you admire and love her, and share that you really enjoy the sexual element of your relationship and want to be able to enjoy her more frequently.
Ask
- how she feels about increasing frequency
- what may be in the way of her being interested more often
- what can you do to interest her more often (verbal foreplay, offering massages, helping with things that keep her mind too busy, etc), or alleviate any of the "road blocks"
- what would sex frequency/activity look like ideally for her?
End by reaffirming how much you enjoy and value your relationship and how you enjoy that time together/how it makes you feel.
Ask
- how she feels about increasing frequency
- what may be in the way of her being interested more often
- what can you do to interest her more often (verbal foreplay, offering massages, helping with things that keep her mind too busy, etc), or alleviate any of the "road blocks"
- what would sex frequency/activity look like ideally for her?
End by reaffirming how much you enjoy and value your relationship and how you enjoy that time together/how it makes you feel.
Last edited by Plumpurple on Thu Jun 16, 2022 11:50 am, edited 1 time in total.
Re: Unmatched Desire
^^^ Good thoughts from Plum.
Look around here brother - there is a LOT of information to glean answers from. Some great, some good, some questionable - and it may all vary when applied to your own situation and spouse. Lots of us have walked or are walking in your shoes. My first question would simply be "have you talked about it to her in the same clear way as you did here? If so, what was her answer?" I think that is the start.
My marriage had devolved somewhat similarly, but has recovered in many ways. There are still issues from time to time, but they typically aren't major derailments anymore. Sex doesn't happen daily, but it is more than bi-weekly, more than weekly usually, sometimes back-to-back-to-back days. The devolvement is likely as I found, a function of multiple things - some I caused, some she caused, some we just let happen out of neglect, some we didn't cause nor can we do much about. It takes two willing to dig to get to the answer, then willing to make the changes needed to grow. From your standpoint, I would advise you to do one thing first - forgive her for any pain she has caused you. If you don't, it will be a roadblock to your growth.
...and I know it hurts....or you wouldn't be here.
Look around here brother - there is a LOT of information to glean answers from. Some great, some good, some questionable - and it may all vary when applied to your own situation and spouse. Lots of us have walked or are walking in your shoes. My first question would simply be "have you talked about it to her in the same clear way as you did here? If so, what was her answer?" I think that is the start.
My marriage had devolved somewhat similarly, but has recovered in many ways. There are still issues from time to time, but they typically aren't major derailments anymore. Sex doesn't happen daily, but it is more than bi-weekly, more than weekly usually, sometimes back-to-back-to-back days. The devolvement is likely as I found, a function of multiple things - some I caused, some she caused, some we just let happen out of neglect, some we didn't cause nor can we do much about. It takes two willing to dig to get to the answer, then willing to make the changes needed to grow. From your standpoint, I would advise you to do one thing first - forgive her for any pain she has caused you. If you don't, it will be a roadblock to your growth.
...and I know it hurts....or you wouldn't be here.
There are no solutions, only trade-offs. -Thomas Sowell
Re: Unmatched Desire
First, can I assume that your DW is of a similar age, and post menopausal?
Whether or not, when I was your age I could have pretty much written the same post you did. She, being post menopausal when she was the age you are now, and with some critical female body parts removed that involve the hormone levels, while she was responsive enough to my needs to make sure that I had no excuse for ever going out and "looking around", wasn't all that much into it for herself.
Fast forward to a few years ago when we found out about bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. Note that I said bio-identical. There are other forms that we don't necessarily recommend, but don't talk down either. We are good with bHRT being the one of choice for us.
Suffice it to say, there are days these days when I wonder how I am going to be able to keep up with her. You'll stumble across some of my posts to that effect as you rummage around the site.
You can do a search on this site and find plenty to read on this topic - for you as well as her, if/when that is indicated. You'll also read where some of us who have gone down that path strongly recommend that you find someone who specializes in that particular area (while you will also find others recommending other paths as well).
That may not be your answer, or your only answer, but it is something that certainly should be checked, and, of course, checked by someone who can take all other health considerations into account with respect to this topic.
Whether or not, when I was your age I could have pretty much written the same post you did. She, being post menopausal when she was the age you are now, and with some critical female body parts removed that involve the hormone levels, while she was responsive enough to my needs to make sure that I had no excuse for ever going out and "looking around", wasn't all that much into it for herself.
Fast forward to a few years ago when we found out about bio-identical hormone replacement therapy. Note that I said bio-identical. There are other forms that we don't necessarily recommend, but don't talk down either. We are good with bHRT being the one of choice for us.
Suffice it to say, there are days these days when I wonder how I am going to be able to keep up with her. You'll stumble across some of my posts to that effect as you rummage around the site.
You can do a search on this site and find plenty to read on this topic - for you as well as her, if/when that is indicated. You'll also read where some of us who have gone down that path strongly recommend that you find someone who specializes in that particular area (while you will also find others recommending other paths as well).
That may not be your answer, or your only answer, but it is something that certainly should be checked, and, of course, checked by someone who can take all other health considerations into account with respect to this topic.
Re: Unmatched Desire
Other than doing hormone replacements, I don't think you can "convince" her to want more sex. I could almost wrote your entire post. We are early 60's and my wife desire for sex is about once a month. Years ago, it was about 2, maybe three times a month. Mine, like you, was about 2 or 3 times a week.
About 6 years ago, she made me a deal, we would have sex 2 times a week, pretty much no matter what IF I wouldn't ask for more than that and she would have to say no. So we did for a few months, I thought it was going great until one day she said I was wearing her our and she couldn't do sex twice a week. She said it was way too much.
She started giving me a handjob instead and we only had full sex when she wanted it. She also has a physical problem now that makes intercourse difficult. Anyway, I mostly get handjobs now and very little intercourse. I am ok with it, we still snuggle and are loving to each other.
About 6 years ago, she made me a deal, we would have sex 2 times a week, pretty much no matter what IF I wouldn't ask for more than that and she would have to say no. So we did for a few months, I thought it was going great until one day she said I was wearing her our and she couldn't do sex twice a week. She said it was way too much.
She started giving me a handjob instead and we only had full sex when she wanted it. She also has a physical problem now that makes intercourse difficult. Anyway, I mostly get handjobs now and very little intercourse. I am ok with it, we still snuggle and are loving to each other.
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SeekingChange
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Re: Unmatched Desire
Another approach is to actually be vulnerable yourself....which means actually doing some introspection and then be willing to open up about it.
-beyond the physical desire, what need does sexual IC fulfill for you? For many men, that is how they most strongly connect emotionally to their wife.
- how does it make you feel emotionally? Think both the positive and negative. When you don't have it, what emotions do you feel..... fear, rejected, unloved, unwanted, undesired, not enough, too much, etc, etc? When you do have it, what emotions do you feel... loved, accepted, desired, one with her, etc, etc..
It has been proven when couples actually get down to the primary emotions of why something bothers them, and the other knows it, there is more permanent change and success in marital changes.... learned that from a marriage therapist when she was speaking of that method vs traditional marriage counseling methods.
-beyond the physical desire, what need does sexual IC fulfill for you? For many men, that is how they most strongly connect emotionally to their wife.
- how does it make you feel emotionally? Think both the positive and negative. When you don't have it, what emotions do you feel..... fear, rejected, unloved, unwanted, undesired, not enough, too much, etc, etc? When you do have it, what emotions do you feel... loved, accepted, desired, one with her, etc, etc..
It has been proven when couples actually get down to the primary emotions of why something bothers them, and the other knows it, there is more permanent change and success in marital changes.... learned that from a marriage therapist when she was speaking of that method vs traditional marriage counseling methods.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
Re: Unmatched Desire
You can tell her she is too beautiful/sexy for you as a husband to have sex with her only twice a month.
You could read her that passage in Proverbs 5 that says 'may her breasts always satisfy you' and say that describes what you want.... always, not every other week.
You could read the 'due benevolence' passage in I Corinthians 7 with her and tell her your desire is really high and ask if she can stretch herself a bit to help you out with thts.
Describe how you desire her, and tell her you want her more.
I don't know if there is a special thing you can say that will 'work', but there are many ways to broach the topic.
You could read her that passage in Proverbs 5 that says 'may her breasts always satisfy you' and say that describes what you want.... always, not every other week.
You could read the 'due benevolence' passage in I Corinthians 7 with her and tell her your desire is really high and ask if she can stretch herself a bit to help you out with thts.
Describe how you desire her, and tell her you want her more.
I don't know if there is a special thing you can say that will 'work', but there are many ways to broach the topic.
Re: Unmatched Desire
I dunno - if you have to lay the "due benevolence" portion of 1Cor 7 on her to get a different response, then there are deeper issues than just drive going on here.
That's just my view.
Re: Unmatched Desire
I agree....could be selfishness...
There are no solutions, only trade-offs. -Thomas Sowell