Long time lack of desire

Low or no sex drive?
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Pearl
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Re: Long time lack of desire

Post by Pearl »

I think you are going to have to have a "come to Jesus" moment for yourself (as they say in the South). In other words be straight up honest with yourself. Do you believe she is sinning? Your answer to that should inform your responses to her. You don't have to answer to me or anyone else on this forum. But you will answer to the Lord for how you deal with your bride.

It grieves me to think that any church would become so large that these matters are able to fester unchecked, while families slowly break apart and everyone wonders what happened! Consider that you may not be the only one hurt by this. How many other women might hold your wife in high regard? How many (potentially young impressionable) women might unknowingly pick up the same heart and attitudes? It can be difficult to judge influence, but as a woman myself, I know it can take just a small comment here, or another one there from someone I respect (thinking about my own mother's influence upon me). Sin should never be allowed to sojourn in the dark...IF you think she is sinning...

Anyway, this has weighed on my mind these last few days. As I mentioned earlier it is similar to the conversations I've had with my own father. In his case, my mom actually did soften in answer to our prayers. She and he are in regular counseling now and although I don't know details (naturally), I see so much more unity and joy! I am praying for continuing wisdom for you. And that God will give you peace and clarity. Take or leave my thoughts as you see fit.
Goopa
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Re: Long time lack of desire

Post by Goopa »

I seem to be the one with do sex drive and I don't know why
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SeekingChange
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Re: Long time lack of desire

Post by SeekingChange »

Goopa wrote: Fri May 13, 2022 8:14 pm I seem to be the one with do sex drive and I don't know why
Are you able to get your hormones checked?
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
Goopa
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Re: Long time lack of desire

Post by Goopa »

Sorry it took so long
Yes I do shots every time 2 weeks also take pills (like vira?)
Kocher53
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Re: Long time lack of desire

Post by Kocher53 »

My wife of 46 yrs interest in sex was only to get pregnant. Other than that, sex was a messy nuisance performed out of duty. I’ve been sexless for 30 years and have had no sex for 16. I’m living with my roommate in a dead bedroom.

Masturbation was my choice to release the built-up tension/pressure. It’s sad but I can count on one hand the memorable sex we’ve had but can count many more memorable M episodes! I pray I’m not living in sin by both of us not honoring our wedding vows. It seems hopeless for me. May God be gracious!
DaveW
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Re: Long time lack of desire

Post by DaveW »

JM2000 wrote: Tue Feb 15, 2022 9:30 pm RE: Church get involved....
We attend a very large church, so no one has noticed (going to different service times now).
I have just read thru your story here. Too sad. But IMO she thinks there is nothing wrong with the situation.

My wife was told from a very early age (grade school) that God hated sex. He only grudgingly allowed it for pregnancy, but hated even the good feelings that came from that. Unfortunately large parts of the church (especially the Holiness ones) taught that for generations. Could it be that her parents taught her that? So she shut herself down in response?

IMO you should sit down with the pastor (or several staff if the church is that big) and ask them to stand with you as you address her on unbiblical behavior. Regular and frequent sex is actually COMMANDED in both testaments of scripture. 1 Cor 7 is where it is commanded in the NT. Ex 21 and Deut command the husband to provide his wife with frequent sex. In the first century bc, 2 leading rabbis debated on how long a couple could abstain for prayer and devotion to God. Rabbi Shammai said 2 weeks maximum. Rabbi Hillel (grandfather of Paul's mentor Gamaliel) said only 1 week. Their debate is recorded in the Talmud, tractate Ketubot (marriage contracts). That same tractate (like a bible book) also lists how frequently sex was to be had depending on the husband's occupation.

BTW - I also recommend the "How We Love" series by the Yerkovichs. It can go pretty deep.
ShayLuv
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Re: Long time lack of desire

Post by ShayLuv »

Hi there,
Havent taken the time to read all the responses, just wanted to respond quickly.

My first reaction is its 2 things with her, conditioning, mental, teaching, her views on sexuality, its ingrained in her and if she doesnt see that as an issue or desire to have more sex, then there is something to that, I was much like her in my first marriage. But I reached a point of sadness, wishing I had the desire, cried and prayed about it, began to pray during sex with my husband to help me. So I felt I was at least trying if that makes sense? Sounds like some of the same issues with those who are messed up from Purity Culture. Its like a programming to the brain that is hard to undo.

The other aspect is the Hormone thing, she could have low hormone levels. Seeing a Hormone dr, where that is their specialty, primary drs arent always the best to deal with this. Some are too old school, the newer drs are great with this! We see a bio identical hormone replacement therapy dr. Thats what they specialize in. All we do is an initial intake form and they run our lab work and then talk with us about our results and recommendations.

My husband and I went from sex about once every other wk for about 15 min the past 10 yrs or so on average, to almost daily since starting this (we are late 40s) I had low progesterone and testosterone. He was low testosterone, I was the higher libido spouse before all this was looked into.

I was sad, depressed, felt like a piece of furniture, no desire, I felt unsexy, unwanted, by my husband. I was seriously asking myself if I could live this way till the day I die? And my answer was No. I was at the brink of considering an affair to meet my needs or divorce, I started towards the divorce and we had separated. And it wasnt for lack of loving him, I adored him, loved him, found him sexually attractive and desired him, but I felt like I was chasing a person who couldnt reciprocate (and he would tell me it was all him and had nothing to do with me) He said he felt NO DESIRE, depressive, apathetic, low energy, moody,

I think visiting a hormone dr is the biggest start and some type of a sex therapist to help you 2 navigate this.
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