Advice for lack of arousal

Low or no sex drive?
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
Post Reply
chicocoke
Single
Single
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Advice for lack of arousal

Post by chicocoke »

As DW is in menopause, sex has become more difficult in our bed. I've previously mentioned that PIV is extremely painful and we've taken it off the table. Vagifem is being used to treat the loss of vaginal estrogen. DW is generous in alternative options for me, be it manual sex, breast sex or most often hot dogging. AS is not an option. DW has always enjoyed orgasms from oral sex, and continues to have them about once a week to 10 days. However, she is never horny anymore. Never. Recently, just prior to having oral, I asked DW if she was horny. She said no, but was ready for oral. I find this strange, but it explains things such as for the last two years as she has been dealing with menopause, she has never initiated sex once. Always accommodating, almost always most willing, but never initiating. This is very different then in the past 30 years, where DW would initiate at least a couple times per month (way more so during pregnancy). Any thoughts? Any DW experiencing this?
User avatar
SeekingChange
Moderator
Moderator
Posts: 7238
Joined: Sun Dec 20, 2020 8:45 pm
Location: All I know is I'm not home yet

Re: Advice for lack of arousal

Post by SeekingChange »

Sounds like bhrt could be helpful, if she's willing.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
User avatar
newwifenewlife
Under the stars
Under the stars
Posts: 4423
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Place colder than I want to be

Re: Advice for lack of arousal

Post by newwifenewlife »

Before “taking PIV off the table”, did your wife have an exam and talked to a doctor about the problems? How old is she?

Sex is different during this season of life. Sexual arousal is more about connecting with with my wife’s heart and mind so she’s open to her body increasing blood flow to the clitoral area. My wife initiates by her own choice. We’ve also found that even post-menopausal (she is 44), her hormones do fluctuate some, even though they feel like they’re gone. I will say that comparison about the way it was doesn’t help the situation because it will never be the same. I don’t mean to say that it won’t ever be good, that’s depends on what the two of you make of it and the paths you pursue to discover potential aids and relate to each other during this difficult and confusing season...but it will be different. I do celebrate the steps your wife is willing and able to take with you sexually now. Many don’t get that blessing and opportunity.


FWIW, check out The Passionate Marriage podcast w/Dr Corey Allan (formerly Sexy Marriage Radio). He’s got some great interviews and shows on menopause, including last year. Interesting note, from a clinical definition standpoint, a woman is in menopause for one day, the one day 12 months after her last period, then the next day she is considered post-menopausal.
Last edited by newwifenewlife on Mon Jan 16, 2023 9:18 am, edited 1 time in total.
Ron
Hammock
Hammock
Posts: 1177
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Advice for lack of arousal

Post by Ron »

Post menopause, my wife is the same way. She has near zero desire for sex and said she could live without it.

Estrogen has worked wonders for her vagina, she feels nice again, no pain. But it doesn't help with desire.

Her desire is very low.
chicocoke
Single
Single
Posts: 35
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Advice for lack of arousal

Post by chicocoke »

newwifenewlife wrote: Sat Jan 14, 2023 4:01 am Before “taking PIV off the table”, did your wife have an exam and talked to a doctor about the problems? How old is she?

Sex is different during this season of life. Sexual arousal is more about connecting with with my wife’s heart and mind so she’s open to her body increasing blood flow to the clitoral area. My wife initiates by her own choice. We’ve also found that even post-menopausal (she is 44), her hormones do fluctuate some, even thought they feel like they’re gone. I will say that comparison about the way it was doesn’t help the situation because it will never be the same. I don’t mean to say that it won’t ever be good, that’s depends on what the two of you make of it and the paths you pursue to discover potential aids and relate to each other during this difficult and confusing season. I do celebrate the steps your wife is willing and able to take with you sexually now. Many don’t get that blessing and opportunity.


FWIW, check out The Passionate Marriage podcast w/Dr Corey Allan (formerly Sexy Marriage Radio). He’s got some great interviews and shows on menopause, including last year. Interesting note, from a clinical definition standpoint, a woman is in menopause for one day, the one day 12 months after her last period, then the next day she is considered post-menopausal.
Thanks for your response. We are working towards having her discuss this more openly with the GP. I have listened to the podcast and there was a few things I learned, most certainly.
User avatar
newwifenewlife
Under the stars
Under the stars
Posts: 4423
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Place colder than I want to be

Re: Advice for lack of arousal

Post by newwifenewlife »

chicocoke wrote: Mon Jan 16, 2023 8:21 am ...
FWIW, check out The Passionate Marriage podcast w/Dr Corey Allan (formerly Sexy Marriage Radio). He’s got some great interviews and shows on menopause, including last year. Interesting note, from a clinical definition standpoint, a woman is in menopause for one day, the one day 12 months after her last period, then the next day she is considered post-menopausal.
Thanks for your response. We are working towards having her discuss this more openly with the GP. I have listened to the podcast and there was a few things I learned, most certainly.
My pleasure. I learned some things to with the podcast last year and then asked DW to listen to it. She did and took there advice of talking again to her doctors and consider trying it for 3 months. So after talking with her OBGYN and PCP, she took several baseline tests including an ECG and bloodwork, she talked to them again and then started the pills. She has other issues to consider (including a family history of breast cancer and early death) but she decided to try something for a few months. After 3 months of her taking something, the hot flashes have nearly gone away but her previous natural drive/desire has not returned, she has a few days of a more "adventurous" desire then it's gone. What she doesn't like is some increased weight and the increased highs and lows of emotions :roll: ...and neither do I sometimes. We actually talked this weekend and she decided she's gonna stay on it for another 2-3 months and make a decision about whether to continue after that.
Post Reply

Return to “Lack of Desire”