Struggled with spouse's weight gain for 20 years

Low or no sex drive?
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
newwifenewlife
Under the stars
Under the stars
Posts: 5434
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am
Location: Place colder than I want to be

Re: Struggled with spouse's weight gain for 20 years

Post by newwifenewlife »

DW1512 wrote: Fri Nov 24, 2023 10:36 am ...

She had an affair because I was on drugs and that repulsed her. ...
That's not why she had an affair so as 2pak has suggested, it doesn't seem like you're being honest with yourself and if that was your wife's excuse, I would postulate that you may have accepted that excuse from her out of guilt from your behavior. Both women AND men don't have affairs because someone was on drugs or alcohol or any other addiction. From my decades of observation and experience, most affairs happen because of a need not being met (emotional, sexual, etc.) or an unhealed wound from the marriage OR from childhood (vs very few who have sex outside of marriage just because of an opportunity happened and it was taken or one succumbed to the temptation). Also, the reason for the infidelity will many times greatly impact the length of the infidelity.

One analysis of a large US university survey of people who cheated found eight key reasons for cheating: anger, self-esteem, lack of love, low commitment, need for variety, neglect, sexual desire, and situation or circumstance (which seems to support what I previously shared). The analysis goes on to say that these motivations not only influenced why people cheated but how long they did so, their sexual enjoyment, their emotional investment in the affair and whether their primary relationship ended as a result.
DW1512
Cot
Cot
Posts: 5
Joined: Thu Nov 23, 2023 8:28 pm

Re: Struggled with spouse's weight gain for 20 years

Post by DW1512 »

2pak wrote: Fri Nov 24, 2023 11:56 am I'm figuring this out ..
They talk openly in front of their kids about sex which I think is great. I'm not that open about sex... But she's told my wife they will have sex multiple times in a week and I'm like, I wish that was me
Ah, so when say that, you are saying "I wish that I was attracted to my wife so I could have that type of sex life. "

I want this fixed. ...we're lacking in the intimacy part.
...because you're turned off by her weight. Said once,
If I could waive a magic wand, I would be more attracted to her physically regardless of her weight.
Twice,
I believe that my struggles with my physical attraction to her is just something that's keeping us from having a great marriage as opposed to just a good marriage.
Three times...
As mentioned, I feel it's been great at times but I want to be clear that I feel my level of attraction to her based on her body was a by product of seeing us grow together spiritually and physically.
Not so sure you believe this as much as I think you want to believe this.
Overall, I sense you are being dishonest with yourself as well in this whole matter.
Our sex life has suffered since and she's recently called me out a few times saying she knows it's because she's gained weight and has even said "that's disgusting if that is the case"
Women are intuitive and reflect her mans actions and weaknesses. She knows you feel this way, its defeating to her and she is $*** testing you because of it. I assume then that your actions and words continually reinforce that she is overweight and unattractive. Women typically do not put in effort from this place.
Men grow by challenge, women grow by praise.
I bet you're trying to challenge her. I bet she feels defeated.

If I'm right, there is a way to navigate this.
You can tell me if you think I'm wrong...
I would agree with this sentiment. I've never been good at lavishing verbal praise or being great at showing non-sexual affection.

I have gotten better as I've grown spiritually but there's been conditions when I'm supposed to have unconditional love. There's never been a question of my love and respect for her but there have been conditions to my affection unfortunately. That's what I want to change the most.
2pak
King bed
King bed
Posts: 468
Joined: Sun Jun 26, 2022 6:58 am

Re: Struggled with spouse's weight gain for 20 years

Post by 2pak »

DW1512 wrote: Fri Nov 24, 2023 12:50 pm I would agree with this sentiment. I've never been good at lavishing verbal praise or being great at showing non-sexual affection.
So, you can see this is a problem that may be in your influence.

I have gotten better as I've grown spiritually but there's been conditions when I'm supposed to have unconditional love.
Unconditional love isn't really what I'm getting at.

There's never been a question of my love and respect for her but there have been conditions to my affection unfortunately. That's what I want to change the most.
You're moving in the wrong direction, I think. I wouldn't say I have 'conditions' for my affection but I certainly praise and guide what I like...
MrEden
King bed
King bed
Posts: 433
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Struggled with spouse's weight gain for 20 years

Post by MrEden »

DW1512--

One key question that I don't see the answer to: Is her weight say 10% past when you married her, or is she now obese?

If it's just a little extra weight, my short advice is to deal with it. It isn't reasonable to expect a woman to maintain the weight she had when she married. If, on the other hand, she is morbidly obese, you have a moral obligation to do what you can to lose weight. If she is somewhere in between -- that she has put on enough weight that you aren't being petty by finding her unattractive, it's OK to discuss this with her. And it is OK if she gets upset, BTW.

Regardless, the real problem is that she no longer cares about how she looks. Even if she has only gained 2 lbs and still looks great and you are being unreasonable about not finding her attractivce, she should still be taking steps to maintain herself. Not only for health reasons, but because of the sexual attraction it adds. The effort matters more than the results. It says "I value myself and I want to be attractive for myself, and you." My wife weighs 25% more now than when we married. None of the weight went to her AA-sized boobs 🤣. But she takes good care of herself, is still attractive and sexy, and best of all, KNOWS she is attractive and sexy. Her confidence is a real turn-on. She is no longer a 10, not just because of the weight gain but because she is in her mid-60's now. She is easily a 9, and still stunning. More attractive than a lot of much younger girls.

Try to frame the conversation around being healty, not losing weight or dieting. Regularly engage in some physical activity that she enjoys, or better yet, that you enjoy doing together. Eat healthy. It's a sustainable, healthy and enjoyable lifestyle that you are after, not weight loss per se. (If is is morbidly obese, then more drastic measures may be needed at first, but the healthy lifestyle is a must, regardless.)

The lack of attraction may be more than just her weight gain. You are getting to the age where declining testosterone levels could be a factor. Wouldn't hurt to get that checked. If it is a problem, it is easy to fix.

Is your wife the primary caregiver for her mother? Is she misprioritizing her mother with respect to her marrriage? Has her libido decreased since she took that over?
MrEden
King bed
King bed
Posts: 433
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: Struggled with spouse's weight gain for 20 years

Post by MrEden »

I am rereading John Eldridge's book Wild at Heart and came across this in the Q&A section of the appendix:
My wife is overweight and often rude to me. I don't see her as a beauty to rescue or have much hope
for our marriage ever having any excitement or love. Am I just stuck?


Life is filled with heartache and disappointment, isn't it? We so often find ourselves in marriages
that aren't anything like the movies we love. It's always far messier. My wife has struggled with her
weight over the years as well. She has also fought a long battle with depression. For many years I would
fight for her with very little to show for it. I finally had to come to the place of total surrender to Christ
in my marriage. Giving up all "outcomes," in order to become the man I know God wants me to be. As
soon as I began to release outcomes, two interesting developments unfolded. First, I found myself able
to forgive my wife, and therefore love her. She also felt the release of the pressure of outcomes, and actu-
ally started doing better.

Our marriage was also profoundly helped by some counseling. Not primarily marriage counseling,
but rather we each sought personal counseling for our own healing. After some private prayer on the
matter, asking Jesus to prepare the conversation, you might bring this up with your wife. Admit that
this isn't the marriage that either of you hoped for, and that you realize you need some healing and she
does too. Share with her that you are going to counseling and wanted to invite her to see a counselor of
her own.

The bottom line for each of us is this—we don't fight for the woman we love because she returns
the favor with reward. We fight because it is who we are; it is what we are made to do. And we entrust
our hearts to the love of God, which is always what we most need.
Post Reply

Return to “Lack of Desire”