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My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Low or no sex drive?
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workerbee
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by workerbee »

So I asked DH if something had changed yesterday evening....
He immediately said yes.
He realized Friday morning when reflecting on our conversation with Jay Dee that I had done something different.
I left and stayed at the hotel.

He said the closest he's been to hopeless about us was Friday night when I didn't come home.

He said Saturday when I returned, he recognized it wasn't just enough to hear my issues and allow himself to think he was 'working on it'.
He had to step up.

God is good.

So many of you were right, it was a wakeup call. He readily admits that.

I apologized that I had to do that.
I hated to leave, even for a night, knowing his abandonment issues. I didn't want to cause damage to him (or us), but I couldn't tolerate it further.

He said when I remained at home saying the same thing, it was easy to believe he 'was trying'.
He apologized to me that it required that action for him to hear me.

Wow.

He's got it.
Doug
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by Doug »

It is sad that sometimes drastic actions are required to effect change, but the truth is that sometimes we are just blind to how bad things really are, even anong good willed individuals.

I am glad that your husband was aasreceptive as he was. Many, myself included, would likely have felt we were attacked, which would have provoked a different response, and more hurt to work thru. That is a good man you have.
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by SeekingChange »

This is really encouraging news!
Doug wrote: Sat Apr 03, 2021 6:39 amMany, myself included, would likely have felt we were attacked, which would have provoked a different response, and more hurt to work thru. That is a good man you have.
I think the reason of why one left (or wants to leave) would make a difference. The initial reaction may be the same, but as things work out, I believe overall responses would be different. Is it truly about him, or her? I am guessing @wb got where I got (I could be wrong), and it was more about us and what we could no longer handle, we needed an escape, a relief, and we felt the only way we would ever get it was to remove ourselves. It wasn't a manipulation tool, whether for good or bad, in order to attempt to change or "wake up" the other. By the time I/we hit this point, it is because hope is dead that there will ever be a change.

The reality is there may be more hurt to work through, and frankly, I believe that. is. okay. Sometimes people need the scars to remember the lesson. Sometimes infections need lanced, and bones that healed crooked, need rebroken, so that true healing can happen. I know my husband has dealt with more insecurity around our relationship. On one hand, I hate to see that and I don't want him living in the fear that I am not committed, because I am, and I truly believe we'll never get to that same place again. But on the other hand, I often felt like I was taken advantage of, and I could be treated any which way, and I was expected and it was assumed that I "had to forgive" and I had to stay, put up with it and live this way "til death do us part". It seemed like a free pass for him to always put me after everyone and everything else. It's a good to thing to know I am no longer taken advantage of, and rather than feeling invisible, I am cherished, because he has realized he could have lost me. And on occasion he gets a trigger or a fresh reminder at how close he truly was to losing us (thanks to @PaulB @ TGH.)
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by Doug »

I absolutely wasn't implying that WB did anything wrong or manipulative. On the other hand, I do know that what she did, for her own health, could have been perceived differently, especially given the abandonment issues she attribites to her husband. I know how strongly those issues speak to my own heart, and color the way I see things. It is something I would have had to work thru.

I have no doubt that the work for each of them will need to continue, and the healing is not complete. On the other hand, it would seem that each is approaching that with renewed hearts, and that is a good thing.
workerbee
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by workerbee »

Doug wrote: Sat Apr 03, 2021 6:39 am It is sad that sometimes drastic actions are required to effect change, but the truth is that sometimes we are just blind to how bad things really are, even anong good willed individuals.

I am glad that your husband was aasreceptive as he was. Many, myself included, would likely have felt we were attacked, which would have provoked a different response, and more hurt to work thru. That is a good man you have.

You are correct on all counts, and he definitely is a good man.
workerbee
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by workerbee »

SeekingChange wrote: Sat Apr 03, 2021 7:31 am This is really encouraging news!
Doug wrote: Sat Apr 03, 2021 6:39 amMany, myself included, would likely have felt we were attacked, which would have provoked a different response, and more hurt to work thru. That is a good man you have.
I think the reason of why one left (or wants to leave) would make a difference. The initial reaction may be the same, but as things work out, I believe overall responses would be different. Is it truly about him, or her? I am guessing @wb got where I got (I could be wrong), and it was more about us and what we could no longer handle, we needed an escape, a relief, and we felt the only way we would ever get it was to remove ourselves. It wasn't a manipulation tool, whether for good or bad, in order to attempt to change or "wake up" the other. By the time I/we hit this point, it is because hope is dead that there will ever be a change.

The reality is there may be more hurt to work through, and frankly, I believe that. is. okay. Sometimes people need the scars to remember the lesson. Sometimes infections need lanced, and bones that healed crooked, need rebroken, so that true healing can happen. I know my husband has dealt with more insecurity around our relationship. On one hand, I hate to see that and I don't want him living in the fear that I am not committed, because I am, and I truly believe we'll never get to that same place again. But on the other hand, I often felt like I was taken advantage of, and I could be treated any which way, and I was expected and it was assumed that I "had to forgive" and I had to stay, put up with it and live this way "til death do us part". It seemed like a free pass for him to always put me after everyone and everything else. It's a good to thing to know I am no longer taken advantage of, and rather than feeling invisible, I am cherished, because he has realized he could have lost me. And on occasion he gets a trigger or a fresh reminder at how close he truly was to losing us (thanks to @PaulB @ TGH.)

Yes.

This.

Absolutely.

I did not at all EVER leave as a form of manipulation.
I HAD NO CHOICE, the pain was too great.

And I absolutely WAS taken for granted when he heard my words and didn't LISTEN.
MrMarried
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by MrMarried »

My wife doesn't initiate sex much.

Do you think it would be okay if I threatened divorce over it and went to stay somewhere else for a night?
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by SeekingChange »

MrMarried wrote: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:38 pm My wife doesn't initiate sex much.

Do you think it would be okay if I threatened divorce over it and went to stay somewhere else for a night?
First, have you followed this thread or @workerbee's history at all? If the answer is not "yes" to both parts of that question, trying to gain understanding would be a better approach.

Second, if this is a true question, it is not fitting here, and you ought to start your own thread on it.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
workerbee
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by workerbee »

MrMarried wrote: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:38 pm My wife doesn't initiate sex much.

Do you think it would be okay if I threatened divorce over it and went to stay somewhere else for a night?
I'm not in your position, but the way you stated that makes me believe that your answer would be no.

Unfortunately you're attempting to paint with a broad brush, and 8n my position, it's EXACTLY what I did and had to do. No remorse except that it actually came to that.

That doesn't mean I won't mull it over and chew on that a bit.
MrMarried
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Re: My Husband Has No Desire (but has responsive desire)

Post by MrMarried »

workerbee wrote: Sat Apr 03, 2021 3:30 pm
MrMarried wrote: Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:38 pm My wife doesn't initiate sex much.

Do you think it would be okay if I threatened divorce over it and went to stay somewhere else for a night?
I'm not in your position, but the way you stated that makes me believe that your answer would be no.

Unfortunately you're attempting to paint with a broad brush, and 8n my position, it's EXACTLY what I did and had to do. No remorse except that it actually came to that.

That doesn't mean I won't mull it over and chew on that a bit.
The issue is how does God want husbands and wives to treat each other-- what to do to please the Lord. Paul passed on a commandment from the Lord, "let no the wife depart from her husband..." Husbands and wives are also supposed to have sex with each other.

On this forum, most of us like sex, and that is one reason the forum attracts us. I am like that, too. Many of us coming from this perspective take Paul's instructions for husband and wife not to defraud each other to mean that pretty much you have sex whenever the other wants it... within reason. If there is a medical issue or certain other issues involved, that's not the case.

My philosophy is my wife can have sex with me any time she wants, as long as there are not issues like her period (based on my own understanding of Leviticus and Acts 15) or she hasn't just given birth. If I were working 20 hour shifts or had just had internal surgery, out of love I'd expect her to be willing to abstain. But otherwise, I'd be up for it if she wanted it. But realistically, I am constantly pursuing her for sex.

Her understanding of providing for sexual needs is probably more along the lines of whatever she thinks is enough. Sometimes, the issue is she says she doesn't feel well... after putting off sex a long time. We do have sex. It is not as often as I like. I would actually be thrilled if she had 'responsive desire' every time I pursued her for sex. Really, I'd like her getting grabby when we are alone, waking me up with intercourse in mid-act, etc. I would like a really high level of excitement over the issue, but consistent responsive desire--and a willingness to let me work her up to that--the real key to it-- would be something really great.

So, should I leave her over this? I don't really see how, Biblically, I should do that, even if I think she should provide more sex.

I have also read a bit of online advice from men who apply the 'alpha male' philosophy found on the manosphere that if you keep your wife under threat of possible divorce if she doesn't 'put out' and be willing to drop her if she doesn't do so, then that will motivate her to do so. If I decided to do this, I could threaten to leave my wife if she didn't have enough sex with me, then leave for a while if the sexual frequency and excitement wasn't up to my standards to make her change her mind.

If I posted along those lines here, other people would probably oppose what I wrote, and rightly so. For one thing, it's Machiavellian if I plot, rationally, along those lines, and wrote about how I kept telling my wife I'd leave her if she did not live up to my sexual expectations. In your case, though, you posted about your pain over your dissatisfaction with this aspect of the marriage, and people did not get on your case. I certainly can understand the hurt over this issue. Since your decisions were motivated by pain, people on the forum have been really gentle about it. But the actions were similar to what I described above, if the thought process was different.

But another difference is that your husband has been willing to have sex with you. He just hasn't been initiating enough for your liking. I am assuming he is probably a pretty nice guy, good to you, etc., He just doesn't chase you for sex much, grab you and throw you on the bed when he gets home, or whatever it is you are looking for. So if that is the case, he may not really be much of a 'refuser' either, which is much less than some of the people on the forum deal with. I do really get your concern over this and why it would bother you.

But I disagree with the idea that a wife should leave her husband because he isn't sexually aggressive enough for her liking. I am glad for you that things seem to be working out. But I do hope you will consider some of these decisions in light of whether God wants you to make them or not. Some things are painful in life that we need to submit to the Lord in prayer and endure them.

And as a husband, even if my wife isn't as sexually responsive as I would like (and if she were, it would be night after night of activity), I do not believe I should ever communicate the idea to her that I am not committed to her for life, or that I would leave or divorce her.

A man coming home and finding his wife has left him, especially one who has 'abandonment issues'-- whatever that is like to him-- could be a hurtful and shocking thing. He might be taking your sexual needs more seriously, but that does not mean that the ends justified the means.

I know you are just sharing little bits and pieces of your life here, and I may not know everything about it.
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