Disappointed and feeling hopeless

[ShadowFlame85]

Husband and I have been married over 20 years. Have only ever been with each other. Sex has never been great for me. Sometimes starts to feel nice like it's building toward something, then the feeling just stops. Other times it feels like nothing more than a gynecological exam. Our relationship is pretty good and I'm able to make him feel great sexually. There isn't anything wrong with him. He desperately wants me to be able to orgasm. He wants to be able to make me feel as good as I do him. Its starting to make him feel bad about himself. We've tried a lot of different things-various positions, oral, toys.
Weve learned in recent years that I have a connective tissue disease. I was likely born with it and showed some early symptoms in youth and young adulthood, it all got way worse the last few years. It causes loose and "bendy" joints, weak muscles, sagging organs, etc. It makes me wonder if that has been a contributing factor to my sexual issues all along. I see a fantastic doctor for the disease. He is brilliant, but very quirky and difficult to have a conversation with. I cannot imagine trying to discuss this with him.
Even though my huband is very caring and stays connected emotionally during sex, these issues often leave me feeling like a receptacle, a disappointment, and sad. We waited until marriage to be sexually active and have only been with each other. I thought we did all the "right" things and the reward for that would be enjoying sex together. It feels like its overrated and a huge let down. I dont even have a good testimony of the rewards of purity because I maintained mine until marriage and 20 + years later it still sucks. I'm afraid at this point it'll never happen. Its not fair to my husband.
I don't know if I'm asking for advice or prayer or just venting.

[Yummy17]

Have you done MB by yourself to see and find out which parts feel good and how much touch or pressure you like? Also have you had children?

[Tantalum]

You say your husband desperately wants you to be able to orgasm and you let him down by not being able to. You think it’s not fair and you are a disappointment to him.

Let’s put your husband’s disappointment to one side and focus on you for a moment: are you desperate to have an orgasm? If your husband wasn’t desperate for you to enjoy sex as much as he does, would you be happy just to amble along with the current situation?

With regard to sex being overrated and a let down, I think the idea that every couple is having a super fulfilling mindblowingly fantastic sex life is just an illusion. Some do and some don’t. Also, just like not everyone has the ability to be a tennis champion or opera singer, I think we are also born with a certain orgasmic potential. For some women, it’s a really powerful experience, for others just mildly pleasant but no big deal and they could quite happily live without it. (In fact I would suspect that a woman who never ever masturbated probably has a lower than average need for sex in general.)

So, how do you see your own needs for sex?

[Olorin]

I think you need to discuss your sexual issues with a doctor or professional. Your connective tissue specialist might not be the right person, but what about your primary care physician?

When you have tried toys, were you in control of how they were being used, and did you experiment with various kinds?

My wife did not orgasm for the first 20 years of our marriage. After lots of frustration and tears, we finally got around to trying toys, but had to go through a bunch in order to find one that worked for her. Also, she had to be in control of how it was being used. In her case, she needs to lay face down and grind her vulva on a wand-type toy. And for many years, it was only ONE model of wand that worked (a corded model made by Body Wand), though now she has had orgasms with other wands. Her preference is for wands that produce deep, rumbly vibrations as opposed to ones that are 'buzzy'. So, it may be that you need to not only experiment with different kinds of toys, but with different kinds of vibrations.

She can now orgasm most of the time she wants to, and even has orgasms in other positions (still using the wand). To Tantalum's point, not all her orgasms are 'strong'; probably half of them she reports being pleasurable but 'short' and 'weak'. However, after learning how to orgasm nearly 15 years ago (we are celebrating our 35th wedding anniversary this Fall), she enjoys sex more that ever, and even has been able to orgasm (or come close) once during PIV (while still grinding on the wand).

I know how difficult and frustration your situation is, my DW and I lived it for 20 years. I will pray for you and your husband.

Again, I emphasize that you need to bring this problem to the attention of a medical professional of some kind. I assume you have yearly physicals with your PCP? During mine, I am always asked about my sexual functioning and happiness and I would imagine most doctors nowadays make it a point to cover this topic given that sexual functioning is an important component of both physical and mental health.

[Deleted User 5159]

Wow I’m so sorry. That’s genuinely heartbreaking to hear. Have you tried having your husband give you straight up clitorial pressure for pleasure? With his fingers or his mouth, because thats the only way that works for me, and my husbands very patient. I am shocked if this has not worked for you, and I’d think there must be some other greater problem, as you have shared. Related to your disease I believe you said…

Also I’d totally get a female doctor so I can be comfortable to talk about the sex issues. I don’t see how it would be hard to switch over, after all you’re paying them