Need prayer, advice miracle

[Ron]

My wife had trouble getting to orgasm when we first married. She probably didn't have reliable orgasms for at least 5 years.

Vibrators make a huge difference. Try one, try several. Some women like different feelings that different vibrators give. But, they do work.

[MrEden]

Go see a doctor specializing in bioidentical hormone replacement therapy. Her testosterone could be low. How is her lubrication?

It could also be low oxytocin. The doctor prescribed some nasal spray to my wife. It is expensive and it burns. We have found that sucking on her nipples gets her over the edge. The doctor says that causes oxytocin release .

[Mike78]

Thank you all for the prayers and suggestions.
So far no progress. If anything things are worse.
Shes getting testosterone treatment already. Nipple sucking is off limits unless she actually gets aroused (rare)
She’s just not comfortable with sex mentally and neither of us know exactly why or how to help.
In the past she’s asked if we could just not have sex anymore.
I’d give anything to see improvement in this area.
It feels so hopeless right now. I’m trying to keep the right perspective.
AlwaysThankful your message was very encouraging to me, thank you.

[newwifenewlife]

Thx for the update. When you saw the different counselors, what were the counselors certifications, qualifications and specialties?

[Plumpurple]

Thx for the update. When you saw the different counselors, what were the counselors certifications, qualifications and specialties?

Also - were they men or women? Does she have any sex-positive women in her life or that y'all have sought advice from? How much has she dug into what's formed her thoughts surrounding sex and have the counselors worked toward reforming those mindsets from the ground up? How motivated is she to working toward correcting this mindset, and how would you explain her understanding of YOUR desire for sex?

I'm so sorry you both are going through this. I feel like I had to do a lot of work on my own mindsets about sex, but i fortunately have had a lot more resources (such as TMB, which has directed me to others) that has helped me work on reshaping those mindsets before we got too far down this road. Praying for hope and healing for both of you

[Mike78]

The first counselor she saw on her own early in marriage, a female. I don’t know for sure but would guess minimally qualified.
The next was a pastor and wife that we met with one time. Not qualified in this area is my assessment.
The most recent counseling was several sessions with a male who I’d say was very well qualified in Christian sexual counseling. A lot of her past was dived into to help her understand her mindset but overall for our situation these sessions didn’t seem to offer much. Maybe just a start. He did have some good book suggestions I suppose.
We stopped scheduling those visits and he didn’t reach out bc I think he knew they weren’t really helping or he didn’t have anything else to offer. The female friends that she has opened up to about this seem to either respond that she’s crazy for not having a sex drive/unable to ever orgasm or they just offer sympathy and prayers but no practical advice. Many probably didn’t have good advice to offer. No sex-positive women in her circle that I know of that she’d feel comfortable bringing this up to. I pray often for someone like that to come along somehow.
I think she understands my desire for sex somewhat but probably not 100% accurately.
I used to send her TMB or other similar Christian sex blog/articles that I thought would help her have the right mindset but she didn’t seem interested or they made her feel like I was pressuring her.
It’s painful so she doesn’t like to think about it. Often there are a lot of tears when we do have conversations about our sex life.
Many times in the past for her there is a wave of tearful unhappy emotion when she actually does get some brief sexual pleasure but then it immediately goes away and she can’t get it back. she doesn’t know how to overcome that and it just makes her want to give up. Not that orgasm is the goal but to her she feels like what’s the point of investing energy into something that will just bring disappointment and frustration. She usually doesn’t want to fully give herself to me in that way because of the pain of that letdown.

[Plumpurple]

How often do you have physical encounters that don't lead to sex? Would she open to pursuing that route for a while, long and deep kissing, cuddling and feeling one another while avoiding any "not allowed unless we're having sex" zones, long cuddle times while watching a movie or something, making it clear that there is no expectation for it to lead to sex? Is she averse to all physical connection, or only when it's leading to sex? May be a starting place to rekindling her desire enough to help sex feel positive and desirable again? Possibly could help it feel more like a relational experience than a performance with an end you're working toward? (Not that you made it a negative experience, but the frustration of not being able to reach climax and the subsequent relational disappointment you would both share can be a definite downer on desire to try it again).

Also when I first came on here, some of the best advice i received was to be okay with a variety of experiences and view sex more as spending time together and enjoying one another than only striving for the climax. I don't remember who gave that advice, but me accepting that it's okay for each experience to look and feel different for each of us was very helpful, and was very comforting to my husband who i think felt a bit like we had "failed" that session if I didn't climax.

That may be simplifying things too much for her situation, just offering things that are helpful to me sometimes.

[Plumpurple]

Also this podcast is four sex-positive Christian wives discussing different sex topics. I believe they all have their own christian websites as well. They often talk about physical and mental challenges, but also do so in a positive light that make it normal to experience frequent challenges and still have a positive experience and mindset toward sex.

I'm not sure your wife would be open to more resources right now if it's causing her to feel pressure, but finding female sex-positive resources in the Christian circle has been helpful for reshaping my desire without feeling "dirty," and has helped clear a lot of mental blocks for me.

[olafthewise]

I'm not an expert but married 35+ years.
Info:
age of both, 40's?
career or not of both.
busy mindset for her?
Religion? did they (church in childhood) make sex dirty?
Also, O tends to be both a physical thing AND a mind thing.
Spiritual condition will contribute to mind. If you think that enjoying sex is evil, you won't "get there."
if pressured to O, waiting for that moment may create stress and mind is filled with subject of "must O," thereby losing concentration to relax and just let go.
Ever tried alcohol? It tends to remove some inhibitions for some.
Is the mood set during the attempt? Noise, kids nearby...