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Is this common? How do you manage?

Ageing brings changes - some good, some not so much.
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Lookin2Him
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Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by Lookin2Him »

I am in my mid-50's. (The DH) When I was younger, all it took was a look or suggestion from my DW to start arousal for me. Now, it is taking more stimulation to get/keep an erection. Occasionally, manual stimulation will get me erect, but more often than not I either have to start with a morning erection or hope for Oral stimulation. Problem is my DW isn't a fan of OS, so often times she will be touching me and nothing will happen and she will make a comment like "I guess you aren't interested right now". Nothing could be further from the truth! It just takes a little more now at this age. Especially if it is late and I've had a tiring day. (I'm in good health, good BP, good weight, etc..)

I don't want to go the 'little blue pill' route yet. OS works well, but like I said, DW isn't a fan, so occasionally she will do a little to jump start Mr Happy, but once she stops (won't continue) I can go soft faster than I'd like. If she keeps up some MS while I touch her, I can stay decently aroused, but it is frustrating if she doesn't. And it is hard for her to concentrate on her arousal if she feels the need to continue to touch me as well.

Is OS a good goto for other guys? Do you have other successful foreplay ideas? I still have a high interest in sex with my DW, but she struggles to understand my need for more than what has worked in the past.
hoosier52
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Re: Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by hoosier52 »

You may have no choice but to try Cialis or Viagra. I'm older than you and age related ED is common and nothing to be ashamed of. I've used both for several years and the prices are lower now with generics.

When I asked my doctor about getting prescriptions I was a bit embarrassed but he said, "Oh, absolutely. A healthy sex life is very important to a good marriage." I think he even gave me some samples.

One new thing I'm trying are C-rings. If you can get an erection, they will help you to maintain it and they seem to increase sensitivity, too. Win-Win. I got them through Married dance.

Don't be reluctant to get help. This is for your wife, too.

God bless.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by newwifenewlife »

OS is always a good go-to!!! :lol: To answer your question, it sounds like your very attached to the outcome rather than both of you enjoying the process of connecting. Is there something going on mentally? Emotionally? Hormonally? That’s a question for you, your wife and a doctor to work on together.

Ultimately, it seems to me from your comments, some more conversations need to occur about what’s going on and you expressing your needs and desires and with that, can the two of you work together on a co-created solution.
Last edited by newwifenewlife on Sat Feb 13, 2021 9:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by PaulB »

Lookin2Him wrote: Sat Feb 13, 2021 3:06 pmDo you have other successful foreplay ideas? I still have a high interest in sex with my DW, but she struggles to understand my need for more than what has worked in the past.
I'd say it's on the far edge of normal.

Needed physical stimulation to get erect is very common, and losing an erection if stimulation stops is too. But good manual should get you going.

Being worse after a hard day is most certainly normal.

A cock ring should help with staying erect and could give you a better erection. But you still have to get hard in the first place.

I'd say it's something you should discuss with your doctor sooner rather than later.
Last edited by Link+Zelda on Sat Feb 13, 2021 9:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Ron
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Re: Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by Ron »

Definitely normal. A lot of men start having the issue you describe by age 40ish, can get erect, but difficult to stay erect without a lot of manual stimulation. I am just like you, IF my wife would give me oral, I can get really hard, I finally gave up on it. She won that.

Don't be afraid to use ED meds, they work well. You probably just need a low dose and will amazed how hard you get, you will feel 18 again. I have used them for a few years and they work great, it is not a big deal. You will not get "used to them" and then they don't work anymore. it doesn't work like that.

If you enjoy sex with your wife, get some ED meds. Generics are cheap at certain pharmacies. I get a month supply for about $10.
Doug
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Re: Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by Doug »

I will chime in here as well, but from a little bit of a different angle. To start with tho, I will just say that what you are experiencing is likely normal and not something to be ashamed of, or excessively worried about. On the other hand, I second what Paul said about seeing a Dr. Just because the symptoms are very similar to a lot of other mens, doesn't mean it is the same underlying cause of just ageing. It can also be indicative of heart or circulatory problems.

I want to touch on the second point now. It seems from your post that you have not effectively communicated your struggles with your wife. I get that. I was loathe to ever say anything. I figured it was a season and I would roll thru it to the other side and everything would go back to normal. My symptoms closely matched what you describe. Oral worked great, but as soon as it stopped, I became flaccid. Sometimes I could manage PIV afterwards, sometimes I couldn't.
Lookin2Him wrote: Sat Feb 13, 2021 3:06 pm she will be touching me and nothing will happen and she will make a comment like "I guess you aren't interested right now".
I remember plenty of times like that, and if I am honest, I wasn't fair to my wife in times like those. I somehow twisted things around in my mind so it was her fault or at the very least, her responsibility. It wasn't a huge deal, but I would always resent that just a little bit. Now, if I had ever actually said something, and she just refused, then that might fall back to her on some level, but I didn't.

It got to the point where we weren't having sex much at all. I quit initiating entirely, and she pulled way back. That could have been very different if I had just put my pride away and spoken up.

Now I just take the pill. There were some issues early on in figuring that out, as far as when to take it, and so on. I put myself thru some more unnecessary angst by not communicating well. I am getting better at it. It helps that a lot of the time, I don't have to say much because we are both growing more accustomed to this.
It wasn't a major issue, but my marriage suffered just a tiny bit because of something I could and should have addressed. She never said anything, but I suspect my wife was struggling with her own thoughts about what was going on, and why I was not pursuing her the way I had.

Whatever else you choose to do, start talking to your wife. Let her know what is going on, how she can help, in specific terms. You can't lay it all at her feet, but you can give her the choice to do what she can, but you can't expect her to read your mind. Next time she says you aren't interested, rather than keep your thoughts to yourself, tell her the truth.

I'm not going to suggest taking the pill. I will tell you that I was reluctant, as you are, and I put off doing anything for too long out of pride. Ultimately, this is your problem to figure out, but you can invite your wife into the whole process. Ask her what she thinks.
David
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Re: Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by David »

Age related erectile dysfunction is relatively common, but it's probably worth seeing your doctor about it. This is because whilst it's probably nothing, it can be a sign of cardiovascular problems.
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Hiswifeagain
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Re: Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by Hiswifeagain »

We also have this issue at times, but it is responsive to manual stimulation. When this first happened I also thought he must not be that interested. I did some reading and found that it wasn't uncommon for men in their mid 50's. I don't think I've ever tried oral to get him going, (duh) so that's a good idea. Thanks!
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TinyTim
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Re: Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by TinyTim »

This is quite normal for older men and especially men with low testosterone levels. In all of my study to help me find out what is going on with me, I learned that morning erections and night time erections are good and signs that I do not have serious health issues. A leading sign of Low T is if a man gets morning and night time (during the sleep cycles) erections, but when wanting sexual contact, little help from the wife via some kissing and heavy petting may be needed to get an erection for further sex. However with my wife that is very rare.

The end of 2019 when I was going through the testing of my testosterone and other test I had a consult with a hormone doctor. I described my symptoms of lack of erections when I wanted to be with my wife without a bit of help, I also had to describe my morning and sleep time erections. She said Ialong with my testosterone test results I had the classic symptoms of low T. She said that is good and that Viagra and Cialis are not recommended but could help a bit. But the best help would be T therapy. However due to the protocols of my health clinic and my health insurance my T was not below the lower limit therefore I was not eligible for T therapy.

We discussed how each man is different in what helps him get aroused. I stated that kissing and heavy petting helped me. You might need your wife to start orally on you. Either way is good. The problem is the attitude of the wife. Is she wanting to go through the effort of having sex of any type?

I will add both form my research and from my discussions with my doctors - if you are not getting morning erections or night time erection - get into your doctor right away there is something else wrong.
Lookin2Him
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Re: Is this common? How do you manage?

Post by Lookin2Him »

Sorry I haven't been back to follow up, this weather and work have kept me busy.
Doug wrote: Sun Feb 14, 2021 7:11 am
I want to touch on the second point now. It seems from your post that you have not effectively communicated your struggles with your wife. I get that. I was loathe to ever say anything. I figured it was a season and I would roll thru it to the other side and everything would go back to normal. My symptoms closely matched what you describe. Oral worked great, but as soon as it stopped, I became flaccid. Sometimes I could manage PIV afterwards, sometimes I couldn't.
I didn't say this clearly. I can get aroused with MS sometimes, but not always. Mostly an issue with stress level, tiredness and how well we have approached intimacy. EX: If we are talking about politics or something WAY removed from just us together, it can be tough to switch gears and get going. Also, I have "communicated my struggles to my wife". I told her things like, "I'm not 25 anymore, so I am interested, but what you/we are doing just isn't working tonight." Or, "the same thing all the time isn't going to continue to work, we need to mix it up a little". Of course, she takes the 2nd one poorly, so I need to tread carefully with that because she immediately thinks I want OS.
newwifenewlife wrote: Sat Feb 13, 2021 8:23 pm OS is always a good go-to!!! :lol: To answer your question, it sounds like your very attached to the outcome rather than both of you enjoying the process of connecting. Is there something going on mentally? Emotionally? Hormonally? That’s a question for you, your wife and a doctor to work on together.

Ultimately, it seems to me from your comments, some more conversations need to occur about what’s going on and you expressing your needs and desires and with that, can the two of you work together on a co-created solution.
Like I said to Doug's response, I have had conversations with her. I'm sure more need to be had, but I've heard this before, "sometimes good is the enemy of great." Is some of this a hill to die on? Some couples don't have what we have, so like Doug, most times I just roll with it. Why risk what we do have?

I don't really get the "attached to the outcome" comment. I even read most of Seeking Change's spin off and still go "huh". I really enjoy the "process of connecting" with my wife. I am not all about the O. I have told her many times that I enjoy fore play as much or more than PIV because it offers so many more options. It is fun to just play with each other. O's are nice, I love when I can give her that pleasure and also experience it myself, but the lead up is good too. But you are right most likely in the part about "expressing your needs and desires and with that, can the two of you work together" comment. That is the struggle I think, she likes the status quo, I would like to experiment more. So is there something going on with any of the 3 areas you mentioned. Most honest answer is: sure. Don't we all have some work to do in any/all areas?

Let me add this about the "process" as well. There are times that we are connected physically and I could just lay there without moving. Just "being one flesh". Not chasing an O at all, just enjoying the "hug" her vagina is giving me. If I'm giving her MS at that time, with a vibe especially, I have stayed there 15-20-30 minutes like that in perfect peace and love. Now, I do have to move occasionally to keep hard, but the mental satisfaction of just being in the moment is so deep. I love it. So life can be very good. I don't want to complain, just asking a random question that I had.

I have talked to my Dr about it as well. I'll share what I shared with him since some of you mentioned it. Yes, I have frequent morning erections, but my wife is not a good sleeper and I awake VERY early for work. So morning sex is usually out. Do I have night-time erections? I don't know, I'm asleep!! haha. But if I awake at odd times, I quite often have one, so I'm not extremely concerned. Thanks for all the discussion.
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