Using Sex as a Crutch

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proverbs519man
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Re: Using Sex as a Crutch

Post by proverbs519man »

my_one_and_only wrote: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:57 pm
Plumpurple wrote: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:28 pm
Others can probably offer better book recommendations. I'm more of a podcast listener at the moment. "sex Chat for Christian Wives" is one I listen to, and one of the hosts also is a higher drive wife and has an online community forum for other women in that position. I haven't joined it myself because it does require a small fee. Here's a link to it though if you're interested: https://hdwives.hotholyhumorous.com/
I will definitely give these a listen! Amazing that the one host is a higher drive wife, too! :) Thank you so much.
Plumpurple wrote: Wed Jun 12, 2024 8:28 pm
I give my husband lots of shoulder rubs, head & neck rubs and rub his arms and such while he's sitting at his desk. He games and works from home occassionally, so it's a good time as long as I'm thoughtful about not doing so at a bad time. As he's always engaged in a different activity and knows I don't expect him or un-engage himself, he's always receptive to that touch and knows it isn't immediately a request for more. We also frequently give each other full body massages with body oil on our living room couch with the lights on while we watch a show. I am the giver slightly more often, but it's usually a returned favor. It's a nice way to feel intimate and not immediately feel like it has to go further (we stay clothed, aside from removing our shirts.
Thank you so much for the massage idea! I bet we will both enjoy this.

As far as whether or not my needs are abnormal, at first I was really convinced something must be wrong with me. But after some serious prayer, thought, and feedback from the others here, I am convinced that this is pretty normal, especially considering that we are newlyweds!

He gave me one hint this evening: He said he is uncomfortable when he comes home from work to find the house clean, dinner made, and the baby asleep because he knows I have made sure that we can have uninterrupted sex if he desires. He said that this places a huge burden on him to act like he wants intimacy when he really doesn't. I was taught from childhood that this is a good way to show love to your husband. I create a peaceful atmosphere and make myself available so he can receive physical affection from me if he wishes. I had NO idea it was driving him away! He says that he would be relieved if I was sometimes occupied with other tasks when he gets home, and I agreed to do so.

He also mentioned that my upbringing was harmful in teaching me to meet my husband's sexual desires even when I was not interested in him reciprocating. I was pretty shocked to hear that too. I said I was more than happy to pleasure him even when I was not in the mood, simply because I want to meet his needs. He asked that I not do this anymore. I guess we will only be having sex when we are both absolutely yearning for it and cannot take it anymore. I told him I thought that was a recipe for disaster, but this is what I have to accept now. I am pretty confused myself, as this goes against everything I was taught about men as a young girl.

I will apply your advice, however, and busy myself with my walk with the Lord and raising our little one. ❤️ Thank you for taking the time to share your helpful ideas!

I hope this isn't too personal, but in reading your story I'm just curious. Do you ever desire that your husband would ravish you? Like be extremely pent up and just have his way with you (nothing painful or injurious, just aggressive)?

The reason I'm asking is that while it sounds like your drive is very normal, there would be an even greater pressure on it if the sex you are receiving is not really the sex you deeply desire.
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my_one_and_only
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Re: Using Sex as a Crutch

Post by my_one_and_only »

MrEden wrote: Sat Jun 15, 2024 8:03 pm
This is all so crazy!

What sort of environment was he raised in? Where did he get these ideas?

I am thinking that rather than try to address this with books and online resources, he needs some personal Biblical counseling to address his particular ideas. Christian counseling agencies offer pastoral counseling.
[Trigger warning: rape]

Hello. I am sorry for the delayed reply. I have been struggling and just didn't have time for this forum as we navigated these marriage problems. I am answering, however, in the hope that someone in my situation in the future finds this helpful.

He was raised in a Christian home, just like I was. However, my home was non-violent and his had a lot of violence. When I asked him specifically why he was uncomfortable with me pleasuring him when I was not necessarily craving sex myself, he said that it reminded him too much of his father forcing his mother to have sex with him. This apparently happened on a regular basis in their home, and my husband and his siblings heard everything.

He had never told me about this part of his childhood before. I told him that his father was forcing his mother, and that is certainly not the case when we have consensual sex in marriage. He reiterated that he doesn't want sex unless I am craving it just as badly, so I am respecting his wishes. I recognize now that his childhood scars have just messed up this aspect of our intimacy, and it is understandable to need time to heal from something so terrible. Even if he never fully heals, I will be here for him always, and respect the pace he needs as we navigate intimacy.

Thank you for this idea. As soon as we finish these current counseling sessions, I will suggest this to him. I think one-on-one counseling with a pastor would be wonderful for him.
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my_one_and_only
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Re: Using Sex as a Crutch

Post by my_one_and_only »

proverbs519man wrote: Mon Jun 17, 2024 12:05 pm
I hope this isn't too personal, but in reading your story I'm just curious. Do you ever desire that your husband would ravish you? Like be extremely pent up and just have his way with you (nothing painful or injurious, just aggressive)?

The reason I'm asking is that while it sounds like your drive is very normal, there would be an even greater pressure on it if the sex you are receiving is not really the sex you deeply desire.
Hello, proverbs519man. This is actually a really good observation! Yes, I think that plays a huge part in it. I have to specifically ask him for this, but he is not fully comfortable in it yet.

I will admit that I am not fully myself with him yet, either, so I can work on this too. We both are still terribly apprehensive in these areas and are working on emotional closeness to try and improve our sex life. If you have any suggestions for this, we would really appreciate it!
proverbs519man
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Re: Using Sex as a Crutch

Post by proverbs519man »

I would be more than happy to talk to him personally. I'm sure that could be awkward for you, but I can definitely coach a guy to become a ravisher (I have before).

When you say you have to specifically ask him, do you mean that you ask him to act in a more ravishing way? And does he do it?
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