Blames me for no.sex when he won't do anything to have sex

[Katydid]

Paul,

If I ever did that he would likely blow everything up (figuratively). He is a dirty fighter, a bridge burner. And I, and the kids, are not ready for that kind of fall out. And we also don't want him to self-destruct. We are willing to be patient with him and accept him for who he is for now.

I have 4 more years before our youngest graduates. I've already spoken with my children about living with them, if need be.

We know he loves and values what he has with us. We know he understands how good he has it. We also know that deep down he has a generous heart of gold, but all of that is tainted by some really deep pain and fear and self-loathing that takes over and is willing to destroy it in some self-fulfilling prophecy. We keep nurturing the good part and setting quiet (and sometimes not so quiet) boundaries and redirections with the bad.

For example, I know that if he is unoccupied and hanging around the kids, he will start something. So I, or the kids have to redirect him to some other occupation. I hate that our kids have to navigate this hellish game, but they are willing to do it.

But, there is no reasoning with the unreasonable. All I can do right now is make the bad part as powerless and pathetic as possible.

And if it turns out that I stop caring, then that's the consequence of his own actions. The ONLY reasons I care right now are by the grace of God and our children, who have asked me not to leave the marriage.