Porn use / healing

Addiction, fantasy, habitual masturbation ...
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Joni
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Porn use / healing

Post by Joni »

I would like to know if any of the men on here who have used porn in the past could give any helpful suggestions on what you did to win back your wife’s trust? How did you help get your marriage back on track? What were the reasons that you turned to porn especially if you had a desirable wife who lovingly was willing to meet your needs?
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benny
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Re: Porn use / healing

Post by benny »

what you did to win back your wife’s trust?
I never lost her trust, she just overlooked it. She didn't like it but she allowed it.

How did you help get your marriage back on track? Communication was the key and her getting in touch with her sexuality again.

What were the reasons that you turned to porn especially if you had a desirable wife who lovingly was willing to meet your needs? I turned to porn when she became disengaged sexually. Rejection, gatekeeping and unemotional sexual connection was unsatisfying for me and I began searching for something to fill the void.

Like most sin porn is exciting and fun for a while. It will come to a place where it no longer is enough to satisfy you. I wish you were not going through this but you are.
My advice is to be loving, talk to him and try to understand why he needs it and be supportive on his recovery with the understanding he will fall off the wagon from time to time. Don't try and make him feel bad or embarrassed about it, that will only end the communication.

Lastly find out what kind of porn he's into. That will help you to understand a little more of why he's using it.

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Pilgrimage
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Re: Porn use / healing

Post by Pilgrimage »

This is a great question. From my experience as a counselor, the main thing is for the husband to be honest with himself, God, and his wife. The fact that lust/adultery in the heart is a sin and keeps a man from being sober-minded is bad enough, but at its core pornography is like all sin- a matter of idolatry. So the first way for a man to regain trust is to admit to God and his wife that he did not love them enough in those moments because he had an idol in his heart that kept him from loving them properly. Forgiveness is very important here.
At this point, the man should be willing to heed Jesus’ command: If your eye offends you, gouge it out. God knows his heart whether he is truly repentant and has torn down the idol… but his wife does not. To prove to his wife that he is serious about killing the idol of pornography, he should be willing to do a great deal to regain her trust… compared to damaging a marriage and damaging a wife, there shouldn’t be much he isn’t willing to do to prove his sincerity…starting with pursuing his love relationship with Jesus and pursuing his love relationship with her.

As far as why a man would turn to pornography when he has a desirable and loving wife, well, that’s the idolatry kicking in. It just shows that the issue isn’t really the sex/lust/excitement (although the sin will initially feel thrilling)… the real issue is that a guy can’t be thankful to the gracious God who gave him a loving and beautiful wife… that’s the idol.

Other issues may factor into the specific case but at its core, this is always the crux of the issue.

If you’re dealing with this, keep loving your husband and pointing him to Jesus! God can change him and bless your marriage.
Last edited by Pilgrimage on Wed Jul 27, 2022 12:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Crow
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Re: Porn use / healing

Post by Crow »

Hello Joni,

How old is your husband?
How well are your libidos matched?
How is his sexual performance and overall health? Any ED issues?
Last edited by SeekingChange on Wed Jul 27, 2022 12:14 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Fixed quoting issue
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footnassman
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Re: Porn use / healing

Post by footnassman »

Joni wrote: Mon Jul 25, 2022 9:26 pm I would like to know if any of the men on here who have used porn in the past could give any helpful suggestions on what you did to win back your wife’s trust? How did you help get your marriage back on track? What were the reasons that you turned to porn especially if you had a desirable wife who lovingly was willing to meet your needs?
*I* could do nothing to win back her trust. It took faith and prayer and a desire on her end to give it back to me. It took grace, only available through her/our relationship with Christ.

I will say that I think it helped that I was completely honest with her, fully disclosing all to her. She hated that I was drawn to it, but respected my owning up to it and being honest.

Her approach to me/with me was what got our marriage back on track. She was hurt, and worried....but forgiving and loving.

I dont know if my situation was normal, or unique...but...I had and have a highly desirable wife, fully willing to meet my needs. It wasnt about her. It wasnt about our marriage. It is a weakness in me.

I wish you well. I hope you are able to heal. I think communication is key, if it is to happen, and honesty....and a grace that only comes from a relationship with our Lord.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Porn use / healing

Post by newwifenewlife »

I can't speak directly as some others have to the initial phase. Trust to do what? Ultimately, rebuilding trust and healing from the hurt are two DIFFERENT things.

SEXY MARRIAGE RADIO's podcast released today (#582) is entitled Trustworthiness. You may find it a worthwhile listen as well as searching in his archives and do a search on "trust and hurt". Understanding those two different things is critical as one attempts to move forward, because ultimately, when the work has been done to address the issue(s) in the porn user and the hurting spouse has dealt with their feelings and issues of hurt, betrayal, etc., it can come to a point where the recovering porn user is doing everything asked and the hurt spouse will have a choice to make to trust again instead of holding onto the hurt and past. Again, I'm not saying when and how to get there but this is occurs in a lot of different marital situations, it's just amplified in issues like porn or an affair because of the betrayal and the hurt felt.

What is expected? What is realistic? What is reasonable? What is one wanting? What is viable?
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LBD
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Re: Porn use / healing

Post by LBD »

Only so much. As NWNL said, trust is a choice. At some point, you’ll have to decide. You also have to decide what to trust. Some things I know you can trust is that it can be a pernicious habit, to the point of a true addiction to brain chemicals, similar to heroin. So you can trust that there will likely be setbacks. But they do not mean you can’t trust your husbands intentions or his love for you.

Seventy times seven, …as you have been forgiven.
There are no solutions, only trade-offs. -Thomas Sowell
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Joni
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Re: Porn use / healing

Post by Joni »

I appreciate everyone’s input on my questions. It is interesting to see how varied the opinions are. This is something recent not in the past. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with my end of it. I appreciate your time.
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LBD
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Re: Porn use / healing

Post by LBD »

Joni wrote: Fri Jul 29, 2022 3:03 am I appreciate everyone’s input on my questions. It is interesting to see how varied the opinions are. This is something recent not in the past. I’m trying to figure out how to deal with my end of it. I appreciate your time.
What is your current mindset on it? Is trust of him the issue? Is it self-doubt? Anger? ??
What was your husband's motivation toward it? Has that been addressed?

Lot's of things play into recovery. It's never just one thing - for either of you.
There are no solutions, only trade-offs. -Thomas Sowell
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