DoveGrey wrote: ↑Sat Jan 28, 2023 5:28 am
I can imagine the dishonesty was painful for you to discover. It occurs to me that she believed a false narrative about you as well. Not one that you told, but one that she'd been duped into believing by others. This one's the narrative that no good man will ever want a wife with a past. Purity culture is big on that. It's insulting to a man such as yourself who is mature in faith enough to realize premarital sex is not The Unforgivable Sin.
I am sorry you were both so unfairly affected by this. To enter a marriage where both partners have false assumptions about each other has to be stressful.
I don't think she had intentional false assumptions about me; rather, I think sex itself became a trigger for her, and I could be a very good husband and friend and yet still, the slightest indication that I was in it for the same things as the other guys, could be all she needed to reinforce a belief that I'm just like everyone else.
It's ironic that my not following her script gave her the time she needed to develop a strong sense of guilt and shame. Her pattern was to fall for a guy and rationalize she was "in love" and the relationship became sexual between 3-4 weeks later. That opportunity happened at 4 weeks, and because she'd been so big on her narrative, saving herself for marriage, I put a stop to it. It wasn't making sense. And I remember, very clearly, asking her at that time, how guys managed to resist such temptation? What would have happened had the guy just pushed in after she positioned herself as she did with me? And she said something that really should have raised a bigger red flag at the time. "If that that had happened, it wouldn't have been the end of the world for me, but I probably would have stopped seeing him."
I am not a saint!!! I wanted really badly to have sex with this beautiful and exciting young woman. But it wasn't about me; it was about respecting her narrative. I held off for 5 months. It wasn't easy, and if I didn't mention it previously, I was not a virgin. I'd had a 2.5 year relationship prior that became fully sexual the last six months.
During the vetting process, I was 100% open and honest about everything. She claimed the same, but just happened to leave out a whole lot of important details. I see vulnerability as a good thing, a strength. She sees vulnerability as weakness, an opportunity to gain the upper hand because she wants to keep things private (while not saying so at the time).