Discussing sex during engagment

[Deleted User 146]

I agree with others here--it's pretty important to discuss sex, though I'd stick to a few topics, and not talk in too much detail about things that might cause temptation (i.e. telling each other exactly what you'll do on the wedding night, exactly what lingerie you'll wear, etc.).

Some topics that we discussed prior to our marriage that we're glad we did:

• Birth control -- what type to use (if any). If it's a barrier method like condoms or a diaphragm, I recommend the spouse using it try it out by themselves to get comfortable with using it and make sure it fits, etc. It's good to not just assume birth control yes or not, type used, etc.

• lube--it's a good idea to discuss what type and also to try it out by oneself, to at least test for sensitivity.

• expectations for wedding night. after her visit to her OB/GYN prior to the wedding and after a brief discussion about my size, we realized it might take a while for us to have first intercourse. we planned accordingly. Sure enough, it ended up taking around six weeks. However, we'd set our expectations well ahead of time, so we were mentally and emotionally prepared and were both willing to engage in other activities until we were ready for PIV. That made a huge difference in our early marriage and laid down some great foundations for our marriage and sex life together.

[newwifenewlife]

Congrats on your upcoming wedding and for asking questions here. Definitely worth some conversations before the wedding and setting some sexpectations. Some things to consider would be positions, potential sex acts, physical pleasure, meaning of sex, use of toys, number of times a week, etc. Many of those subjects are questions I and my now-DW talked about as we were dating, engaged and just before marriage. Some things we avoided until late in the game but honestly, number of times per week, value & meaning of sex to me personal and marriage, and oral sex were topics we talked about in some form before engagement because after my first marriage, they were "deal breakers" for me if we were not in agreement. I would've rather remained single than married and sexually frustrated again.

I would highly encourage both of you to take a listen to a few specific episodes of SEXY MARRIAGE RADIO with Dr. Corey Allen for ideas and conversations. The podcast is definitely worth listening to as a whole for you and your spouse-to-be, but the ones I'm suggesting to listen to and discuss before marriage are related to the honeymoon and wedding night and the female orgasm....and yes, talk about it in a public place, NOT in private where those conversations will light some fires and would be easy to yield to temptation.

These are some easy podcast episodes to start with on SEXY MARRIAGE RADIO.
Episode 95: Honeymoon Sex
Episode 190: Wedding Night Tips
Episode 349: Becoming Cliterate
Episode 454: The Female Orgasm
Episode 494: Don't Be Ilcliterate


We also had a book DW wanted to go through to prepare for our honeymoon and marriage. I don't have it here at the office. It was great because it asked a bunch of questions. She read it first and we waited for the most part to talk about it until we were 2-3 wks from the wedding but TBH, we'd already had some of the topics/discussions previously as a part of our dating, pre-engagement process, and engagement. I'll see if we still have it or gave it to another couple to prepare for their wedding. It was older & not a well-known book but so good for ideas.

[newwifenewlife]

The book DW picked to go through before we married was ONE FLESH by Amelia & Greg Clarke. It helps discuss sex and help with setting sexpectations. We really enjoyed it.

[JoeG]

This is a great topic. Communication is key to enjoying sex. If any engaged couples have questions, feel free to PM me.

[MrMarried]

Hi everyone, new here! I am getting married in a few weeks. My wife-to-be and I haven't talked much about sex, besides our history and relevant info in that area. Is it normal for a couple wanting to abstain to not really discuss sex much until after marriage? We are both quite timid about it and we worry about awakening that part of our relationship before it's time.

Probably, yes, because you are trying not to thinking lustful thoughts, etc. My wife and I discussed it a little. We both mentioned being virgins. I mentioned I would want it daily. I remember that. We did not go into detail on techniques, etc. If I had it to do over, I think I would have sat down and read and discussed scripture on the topics of sex and marriage with her, including obligations in I Corinthians 7, to kind of set a doctrinal and 'theoretical' framework for sex in our marriage before we experienced it. If you each go in with a commitment to meet the others needs, that's helpful. It can also help set expectations of what this area of life will be like.

My wife was extremely diligent about meeting sexual needs for a couple of years before the babies came. After that, our sex life began to look more like typical marriage statistics on sex.

[stephany96]

• Birth control - it is critical to be on the same page here. (For us, this was easy since she was doing NFP and I was helping keep track, but I realize that's not most people).

We also do the NFP method.

[JoeG]

We use NFP as well! Birth control is definitely one of the most important things for an engaged couple to discuss. DW and I had many discussions about birth control and sex in general before our wedding. I think it's important for a couple to be on the same page about such an important part of their relationship.

[DaveW]

Hi everyone, new here! I am getting married in a few weeks. My wife-to-be and I haven't talked much about sex, besides our history and relevant info in that area. Is it normal for a couple wanting to abstain to not really discuss sex much until after marriage? We are both quite timid about it and we worry about awakening that part of our relationship before it's time.

I would also like to congratulate you.

YES talk about sex. Probably should have started much sooner than the last few weeks. DW and I were strictly forbidden by our congregation to not talk ANY about sex until after the I DOs. The pastor and board would have canceled the engagement and moved one of us to another part of the country if they found out. (just a BIT over-controlling, no?)

Anyway, that lack of communication cost us both dearly. DW had serious abuse issues from gradeschool that she had never told anyone. It is still a factor today, 45 years later. Had we known that, I would have insisted she get some professional help and therapy to overcome the PTSD she suffered from the abuse.