period on wedding night advice.

[MrEden]

thanks, everyone for your advice. Her period was delayed a couple of days so my concerns were for nothing, but we didn't end up having PIV sex to completion, she was too tense and just did a HJ and cuddled.

so far we're able to go halfway, the downside is that I can't apparently last a good fifteen minutes with a HJ and the halfway PIV that we've tried doesn't really feel like much to me.

any tips to increase sensitivity for me?

Glad to hear about the progress. Thanks for the update.

We "failed" on our first attempt too. No biggie. We did it the next morning, and wow, it was fabulous, all three seconds of it!

Saying you got halfway in makes me wonder if perhaps you aren't really entering her vagina at all, but just the vestibule area before you get to her hymen. Vaginas are smallest at the entrance, and open up from there. If you really made it halfway, the rest of the way wouldn't be a problem. My wife's vagina is pretty short I guess. I can easily reach the end if it with my fingers. But it is very stretchy in that direction. We can both feel when my penis hits the end when I still have an inch or two to go. I keep going and it stretches to accommodate me. This is pleasurable for both of us. Length has never been a problem. The difficulty has been diameter.

Did your wife have a premarital gyn exam? If not, and things are still a problem after a few attempts, seeing a gyn would be smart. Also, order a set of graduated dilators from Amazon would be good. Both of you should explore that area. Insert your fingers. She will need a mirror.

Also, be aware that her cervix will be in the way when she is not aroused. You should be able to easily feel it. But when she is aroused, the cervix lifts up and out of the way ("up" when she is lying on her back) and your penis slides under it. So make sure she is roused. Later, when you are having quickies for you and she isn't aroused, you can still do it. Your penis will push the cervix out of the way. But that isn't ideal for a new bride.

My wife didn't have a hymen due to years of tampon use and perhaps because she stretched herself with her fingers starting a month or so beforehand. (I explored down there before attempting anything.) We went for a premarital gyn exam, and he assured us we wouldn't have problems. Out first attempt, she was just too tight and said it hurt. The second try, it didn't hurt much and she didn't bleed.

Lack of sensitivity, I wouldn't worry about it yet. A vagina feels different than a hand, not to mention the emotional intense of the experience. Whether thrusting with only half of me in would get me off, I can't say. Never tried it. Wanting to bury it to the hilt just comes naturally.

Keep us updated.

[MrMarried]

So me and my fiancee are getting married in a week, and she let me know that in all likelihood she'll be starting her period that night.
Her main concern is that I'll be grossed out. I'm not really worried about that at all.

My main concern is that she won't enjoy the wedding night or honeymoon at all.

she says her periods are often mild and fairly short.

Any advice for the wedding night honeymoon?

We are both virgins without any sexual experience.

We abstain from intercourse during this time. We've been caught off-guard by a period not starting when we expected it maybe two or three times.

The reason for this from my perspective is:

- I understand 'fornication' to have Old Testament background to it.
- The apostles told Gentiles to abstain from fornication.
- There is a list of sexual sins in Leviticus 18, including uncovering a woman's nakedness during her period.

If it were me, I might pray for late onset of the period, and just plan a week or so where we were living, then take a Honeymoon trip later, or book a trip some place nice and enjoy the place, then have a week... and lifetime... of sex at home after the trip is over.

[Freakincurrey]

An update:
So things have been harder since the end of the honeymoon. As she got further from her period PIV got more painful. So far sex for us just looks like me kissing up and down her body which she says she likes, though it never really brings her to orgasm. She is super sensitive in her vaginal region for moments but if I do more than lightly touch she says "it just shuts off." and even light touch form more than 30 seconds just shuts her off. She says she can still feel but nothing is really happening. she hasn't ever orgasmed and doesn't really know how.

PIV is just painful for her. She says she can't relax the muscles, and while I can fit up to three fingers in with it only being mildly uncomfortable every time we try to switch to PIV it immediately hurts.

for now we just do a lot of stroking and a HJ for me at the end but I don't really see a clear path from where we are at to get to PIV.

She says she's tried to do Kegels in the past but she just ends of cramping from flexing too much. both she and I don't really want to use toys.

any advice on next steps to take, or what to do from here?

[SeekingChange]

Have you guys been using lube?

It wouldn't hurt for her to get checked out by an obgyn.

Another option that I know has been used to help are dilators, they progress in size and it can help stretch a vagina to make it more comfortable.

[newwifenewlife]

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Patience, gentleness, love and kindness with your wife is critical as you navigate this time. You still have a lifetime ahead of you in the bedroom.

Besides the things previously suggested like extended foreplay & including more in non-erogenous zones and lube, here are a few questions I ask for understanding and a few resource ideas after that.
- did she become aroused before marriage when you kissed, held hands, back rubs, etc or made out?
- what is the relationship like between her mom & dad?
- what was the message about sex that she got from her parents? Her friends? Other people or places including church?
- does she have sexual trauma or abuse in her history?

Have you read THE CELEBRATION OF SEX FOR NEWLYWEDS by Dr Doug Rosenau or the original TCoS by Rosenau?

Or read GETTING YOUR SEX LIFE OFF TO A GREAT START: a guide for engaged and newlywed couples? Dr. Clifford & Joyce Penner (now in their 80’s I believe) still take questions and phone calls and love to take them from newlyweds as well. I heard them interviewed on a podcast in the past year.

https://passionatecommitment.com/

OTHER RESOURCES:
- Passionately Married podcast (especially old SMR episodes, they have several on preparing for the honeymoon and on vaginismus)
- Java w/Juli podcast (she’s written some great books for wives & couples)

[Olorin]

An update:
So things have been harder since the end of the honeymoon. As she got further from her period PIV got more painful. So far sex for us just looks like me kissing up and down her body which she says she likes, though it never really brings her to orgasm. She is super sensitive in her vaginal region for moments but if I do more than lightly touch she says "it just shuts off." and even light touch form more than 30 seconds just shuts her off. She says she can still feel but nothing is really happening. she hasn't ever orgasmed and doesn't really know how.

PIV is just painful for her. She says she can't relax the muscles, and while I can fit up to three fingers in with it only being mildly uncomfortable every time we try to switch to PIV it immediately hurts.

for now we just do a lot of stroking and a HJ for me at the end but I don't really see a clear path from where we are at to get to PIV.

She says she's tried to do Kegels in the past but she just ends of cramping from flexing too much. both she and I don't really want to use toys.

any advice on next steps to take, or what to do from here?

I second the excellent advice of SeekingChange and newwifenewlife.

DW and I were in a similar situation after we were married. Prior to marriage, we did not have sex and limited our 'activities' to kissing above the waist. On the honeymoon, DW enjoyed being naked together and cuddling and kissing, however, she flinched whenever I touched her genitals, and PIV did not happen for many weeks after the wedding. To make a long story short, we went through 20 years of sexual struggle during which PIV was not pleasurable for her and she could not orgasm.

I know you said you and your wife don't want to use toys, but you might want to reconsider that decision. My wife and I never thought about using toys, but after 20 years of sexual frustration we decided to give them a try. It was a well worth the effort; after going through maybe a half a dozen vibrators we discovered DW could orgasm using a wand-style toy. It has completely revolutionized our sex life; even though she still does not orgasm from PIV, she can orgasm using the wand most of the time and now finds PIV very pleasurable (we do this after she has had her O). My main regret is that we did not try toys sooner.

It was initally embarassing to go into one of our local love boutiques looking for a solution to our sex problems, however, I would have run there had I known the change it would make to our sex life. Also, if the idea of walking into a love boutique is too daunting, stores like Walmart now sell a small selection of vibrators. Best of luck to you and your wife!

[newwifenewlife]

....

DW and I were in a similar situation after we were married. Prior to marriage, we did not have sex and limited our 'activities' to kissing above the waist. On the honeymoon, DW enjoyed being naked together and cuddling and kissing, however, she flinched whenever I touched her genitals, and PIV did not happen for many weeks after the wedding. To make a long story short, we went through 20 years of sexual struggle during which PIV was not pleasurable for her and she could not orgasm.
...
It was initally embarassing to go into one of our local love boutiques looking for a solution to our sex problems, however, I would have run there had I known the change it would make to our sex life. Also, if the idea of walking into a love boutique is too daunting, stores like Walmart now sell a small selection of vibrators. Best of luck to you and your wife!

Glad Olorin responded with his story and there are others on TMB with similar stories.

A couple of my questions was a way to indirectly see why the "no toys" stance. So let me ask the question directly, how did you come to the decision of deciding "no toys" in the marriage bed? Part of my asking some of the questions is to discover if part of the barrier is a mental one for a variety of reasons, that many times ends up creating Vaginismus issues.

If you change your mind about toys, besides the stores mentioned, MarriedDance is another option, going through the link at the bottom of the page helps support TMB and you could do it together in the privacy of your own home as a part of your new journey.

[GeorgeB]

An update:
So things have been harder since the end of the honeymoon. As she got further from her period PIV got more painful. So far sex for us just looks like me kissing up and down her body which she says she likes, though it never really brings her to orgasm. She is super sensitive in her vaginal region for moments but if I do more than lightly touch she says "it just shuts off." and even light touch form more than 30 seconds just shuts her off. She says she can still feel but nothing is really happening. she hasn't ever orgasmed and doesn't really know how.

PIV is just painful for her. She says she can't relax the muscles, and while I can fit up to three fingers in with it only being mildly uncomfortable every time we try to switch to PIV it immediately hurts.

for now we just do a lot of stroking and a HJ for me at the end but I don't really see a clear path from where we are at to get to PIV.

She says she's tried to do Kegels in the past but she just ends of cramping from flexing too much. both she and I don't really want to use toys.

any advice on next steps to take, or what to do from here?

We totally understand the frustration you both must be feeling!

Our story had some similarities. We were both virgins and due to my penis size and her vaginal size (her OB/GYN said she was “very narrow” down there), we elected to take it really easy and go really slow. So, our wedding night consisted of a manual orgasm for her and a hand job for me. To her credit, it was definitely memorable for both of us!

From that point, we spent the next six weeks trying to achieve full penetration. Eventually, we got it all the way in, too much celebration. Unfortunately, we never really had pain-free sex until after she gave birth the first time and got really stretched out. From that point on, things became super easy and great for both of us and since then, we’ve had 25+ years of mostly amazing sex.

I say all that to say that you’re not alone and there is hope!

I agree with the others here. It sounds like lube and patience will really help. It also sounds like your wife may need to take some time to get to know her own body and what feels good and leads to orgasm for her. The books mentioned above have exercises that help with that. She may have vaginismus or it may be more like my wife’s and my situation, in either case, dilators and stretching should help.

Praying for you two! Please keep a positive attitude as much as you can! And feel free to DM me if you have any private questions you don’t want to ask in the public forum.

[Freakincurrey]

Have you guys been using lube?

Yes, I think it's a decent amount but don't really have a notion as to how much is too little.

Sorry to hear about your struggles. Patience, gentleness, love and kindness with your wife is critical as you navigate this time. You still have a lifetime ahead of you in the bedroom.

Besides the things previously suggested like extended foreplay & including more in non-erogenous zones and lube, here are a few questions I ask for understanding and a few resource ideas after that.
- did she become aroused before marriage when you kissed, held hands, back rubs, etc or made out?
- what is the relationship like between her mom & dad?
- what was the message about sex that she got from her parents? Her friends? Other people or places including church?
- does she have sexual trauma or abuse in her history?

-Not really before marriage. She said she noticed once when I kissed on the back of the neck that "something was happening" when we were still dating but that was before we set boundaries, and that was about it during our engagement/dating. now I do a lot of kissing and nibbling up and down her neck and body in general. So far sex right now is an hour of us just switching foreplay, and is mainly me just nibbling all over seeing how much of a reaction I can get. from my perspective, I'm doing a really good job but it never seems to lead to orgasm, and as I said before she kind of turns off when I spend too long on her V
- great relationship between her parents. great people.
- I would say she has a healthy view of sex. we talked about it before marriage and one of the questions I asked her was " do you tend to see sex more as gross or as god." She said she tended towards gross, but knew that wasn't the right perspective. after our wedding night she's been great. I wasn't sure if she would be shy or prudish, but she's been nothing but sexy and is very confident as far as displaying herself to me.
- no trauma.

I appreciate the encouragement and success stories, as well as the advice about toys. Thanks every one.

[Plumpurple]

Has she been willing to explore herself at all? Even just for learning purposes, not trying to masturbate. I saw you said she's allowed you to use your fingers and that went okay, but has she felt her own body at all? If the issue is at all related to her mentality in the moment, she may be able to work up to being able to relax her body if she knew it better herself?

Have you ever tried grinding while making out with your clothes on? We did this unintentionally when we were dating and it led to orgasm for DH quickly and unexpectedly once, then it became a habit. Even now that we're married and not trying to set boundaries, i would still enjoy this activity and it might help her orgasm without the pressure of trying to make her body work for PIV. Basically just keep your *soft* clothes on (might make it more fun to try to resist taking them off each other), let the momentum build and just enjoy the foreplay and wherever it leads. Grinding this way also provides a different kind of clitoral stimulation that may be helpful for her. Just ideas to try to take off the pressure and explore other paths forward. Best wishes to you both.