I messed up.

For the discussion of relationship issues between engaged couples.
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
Post Reply
User avatar
ThereAndBackAgain
Single
Single
Posts: 41
Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2022 5:57 pm

I messed up.

Post by ThereAndBackAgain »

My relationship with my GF, hoping and working towards being my fiance, has kind of fallen apart.
I still live with my mother, I've been slowly working towards a career path and towards marriage, but I let my mother's perspective on my relationship; what little perspective she had, considering she hardly spent any time around us together due to health issues and our own plans of going out, push me to bend to more of her rules than I already had.

We barely went out alone together, when we did we made sure it was to a very public place, after going out without telling my mother she got mad and said under her roof I wasn't allowed out with her alone anymore. She also demanded I cut back on what little affection we share, which included hand-holding, and hand/cheek/forehead kisses on my part.

Neither my mother, nor my GF want to get to know the other at the moment. My Mom thinks my GF is super selfish and doesn't really care about the relationship, meanwhile my GF thinks my mother sees her as a villain for wanting to "take me away from her".

GF and I are both considered Autistic, high-functioning; but still Autistic. She is more introverted, I am more Extroverted. Mother demands communication from her, doesn't work very well.

At this point I'm just venting, I've needed to get this out. The two of us are currently split at my GF's tearful behest, meanwhile I've taken counsel from her Pastor and am seeking to improve myself and move a little faster down that career path. He recommended I work for three months on myself, then seek his counsel again; before trying to see if the relationship can be mended.
User avatar
footnassman
California King
California King
Posts: 661
Joined: Sat Aug 07, 2021 5:46 am

Re: I messed up.

Post by footnassman »

Leave your mother's house.

You are highly unlikely to ever forge a successful relationship while there....and if another woman was willing to, and mother was accepting of her, I dont think you would want to be with that woman.
Irnmyk
Fell out of ...
Fell out of ...
Posts: 1376
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: I messed up.

Post by Irnmyk »

Thanks for being open and transparent here. You know that you are among friends.

If you read my posts in other threads, you will find where I have related that, I, too, messed up real bad with my GF, (who is now my DW), and clawed my way back. I still remember those days vividly - I never felt so out of sorts in my life, then or now. Sound familiar? You are not the only one to have ever landed where you are right now.

I, too, had to reevaluate my life's priorities and make some changes to myself, and changes to the way I related to her for us to have another chance, and, thanks to the Grace of God, almost 50 years later, the reward for perseverance has paid off handsomely.

While I didn't mention it specifically, the power of prayer was involved in this situation as well. Don't ever forget to do that.

My advice to you - you already know the path you need to tread, it is laid out in front of you. Do your best to achieve it, and hopefully the ending won't be as it is now. This isn't necessarily the end, but hopefully just a step along a path. A painful step, yes, but I can tell you from personal experience that those points of pain in your life are survivable if you will do right.
User avatar
LuckyInLove
California King
California King
Posts: 709
Joined: Sat Jan 09, 2021 9:00 am

Re: I messed up.

Post by LuckyInLove »

My initial reaction was the same as FAMan, until I got to the part where you said you have autism. Thank you for letting us know this important piece. I do not know your age or your education level. Are your job difficulties related to your disability and/or lack of education? Is money the main reason you live with your parent or does autism play into that factor?

I don’t know how you met your GF, but I’m guessing your mother has multiple concerns based on your disability. She may be worried about you being taken advantage of if she doesn’t know your GF or her family. She may think you are naive about relationships. She doesn’t want to see you get hurt. She may even be concerned about you having a baby in the future and not being able to care for it with another autistic partner.

Do you have a father, sibling, or other relative you can talk to? A therapist or a counselor? Someone who can be an intermediary with your mom? And also be honest with you about your situation? Talking to a pastor is great, but they usually don’t understand autism. And it’s impossible for people on the internet to give much advice, not knowing your full capabilities.
User avatar
ThereAndBackAgain
Single
Single
Posts: 41
Joined: Wed Apr 27, 2022 5:57 pm

Re: I messed up.

Post by ThereAndBackAgain »

LuckyInLove wrote: Mon May 02, 2022 12:35 pm My initial reaction was the same as FAMan, until I got to the part where you said you have autism. Thank you for letting us know this important piece. I do not know your age or your education level. Are your job difficulties related to your disability and/or lack of education? Is money the main reason you live with your parent or does autism play into that factor?

I don’t know how you met your GF, but I’m guessing your mother has multiple concerns based on your disability. She may be worried about you being taken advantage of if she doesn’t know your GF or her family. She may think you are naive about relationships. She doesn’t want to see you get hurt. She may even be concerned about you having a baby in the future and not being able to care for it with another autistic partner.

Do you have a father, sibling, or other relative you can talk to? A therapist or a counselor? Someone who can be an intermediary with your mom? And also be honest with you about your situation? Talking to a pastor is great, but they usually don’t understand autism. And it’s impossible for people on the internet to give much advice, not knowing your full capabilities.
Mid 20s, basic high school education tbh. Done some college level studying, but have yet to take the SATs. It's a melting pot, my job is a good one; and it pays well, But it's a dead end job that only gives me pay increases since I've been with the company for so long now. My physical disability right now is only in my feet/legs, but I'm working on getting a full physical evaluation.

Part of the job issue is a lack of desire to leave my current job due to how much they're paying me, without a college education. Money is a big reason, but if I move towards where my GF lives and find a job similar to my current one it shouldn't be.

She's the step-sister of my oldest brother's wife, we met when my oldest brother first met his future wife in person. I was assigned as the chaperone. She knows her family somewhat because of that connection, but has her own problems with them.

I have a church elder I've talked to, maybe he can play middle-man with my Mom if it comes down to it. But the Pastor I've talked to has an autistic son; so he has some good experience with autism.
Post Reply

Return to “Relationship Issues”