prayers please for my relationship

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afoxandabunny
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prayers please for my relationship

Post by afoxandabunny »

Hello,
I wanted to start a new thread to update and ask for prayer in my relationship.

My boyfriend and I have been dating almost 10 months.

I was previously married, as I shared to a man who became transgender. I have a 4 year old daughter .As I shared my boyfriend and I fell into sexual sin early in our relationship.

Other than that it seemed pretty good, but of course I was anxious given the past stuff. Maybe I wasn't fully healed from it. we were thinking of marrying in the fall, and those around us were giving us green flags and many told us that the relationship seems of God.

In the summer things started to go south a bit. Interestingly, we came to a place where we both felt extremely convicted about the sexual sin. We were doing literally everything but intercourse. OS, playing with toys together, pictures throughout the day ; we knew it had to stop we couldn't continue in that manner . We decided that since we r both living w our parents to save money right now (I'm 32 he is 29 and it might seem weird but we both had circumstances that made this the best option ), we will talk to them about our struggle and to provide accountability. He talked to my mom in vague terms and asked her to hold us accountable. I'd say 80 percent of the mess ups were in my bedroom and even tho we kept repenting of going up there, we kept ending up there. He also sent a message to his mom following a mess up to hold us accountable.

Interestingly, since giving up the sexual stuff we r confused as to if we should even be together. We r having issues we didn't know existed we have to figure out. We need to basically have a reset. It's sad bc we crave eachother sexually so deeply to not even know if we'll be together . It's a weird place to be. Kinda like God put us in time out. Praying for direction .

If you think of us plz pray for us. Not sure if I'm looking for advice more prayer.
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DoveGrey
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Re: prayers please for my relationship

Post by DoveGrey »

I will pray.

I do have a question that you don't need to answer here. Are you more or less hesitant about marrying him than you were in January?
"She will do him good and not evil
All the days of her life.
"

~23 years and counting~
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newwifenewlife
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Re: prayers please for my relationship

Post by newwifenewlife »

Welcome back and thanks for the update. As I said before, I'll pray for you as God brings you to mind. F&aB, what personal work have you done in your life to heal from your previous relationship? From past hurts of your previous marriage? Family? Dad? Sexual abuse? Is there a need for validation that you're trying to fill? How did your previous relationships and certainly marriage start? Why did it fail? Did it have a a solid foundation and your ex just made foolish choices? What was your contribution to the marital health? (Big or little we all contribute something)

Since you're not sure what you're posting for, I'll add some thoughts from personal experience and decades of observation & conversation and your own words in your post confirm the following: sexual sin short-circuits the communication process and a couple's relational development and creates a false sense of intimacy and relational closeness. It's much easier to off and do _________ as an unmarried couple than it is to develop the skills and art of communicating through difficulties and sharing one's deepest desires, dreams and fears beyond the sexual.

Besides the questions above, here are some more:
- what issues are you having that have been overlooked or ignored?
- beyond sex, what do you have in common? What dreams do you see happening together beyond the sexual?
- what is so appealing that you're willing to ignore the spiritual truth you know for instant gratification?
- what hole or void in your life (past or present) might you be trying to fill by going against your faith and convictions?
- would you consider no contact for a period of months to get some space for reflection on the thoughts?
- what professional counseling help have you received, relationally? spiritually?
- would you being willing to get some serious accountability (not your moms, that just puts a strain on your personal relationship with them, it assumes they're healthy and it brings potential resentment towards the other person if the relationship continues)?
- what are some healthy boundaries that could be put in place if you were start seeing each other again after a cooling off period? (This would include not being in private places, and more specifically rooms and long periods of time parked in a car together.)

All sin is a product of unhealthiness. Sexual sin between a couple is a product of poor relational health and boundaries, both as individuals and as a couple. Until those issues are discovered and resolved, there will be confusion and continued sin.

Let me end with this, God loves you and He said, "if we confess our sin, He is faithful and will forgive us and cleanse us" (I John 1:9). aF&aB,I want the best for you. I want to you to know that the best years of life and love can be ahead of you and not behind if, if, IF you'll do the hard work in yourself first. I can tell you it's worth it. I've done it wrong and learned the hard way and I've done the hard work and am now reaping the benefits of the hard work and lessons learned. Your daughter needs a spiritually and emotionally healthy YOU, the best one you can give her! What are you doing to give your daughter that? Otherwise, while it's hard to see now, understand this, if you do not work on your health and healing, she will take on your unhealthy issues...and those of her dad's as well. Trust me, a stepdad may not be what's best for her...or for a long time; that's certainly what my now-wife will tell you. Again, I will pray for you as God brings you to mind.
ShayLuv
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Re: prayers please for my relationship

Post by ShayLuv »

Hi there,
Went and read through some of your past posts to get up to speed as Im newer here.

I see a lot of guilt and shame and beating yourself up.

Also some guilt and shame over things that happened in your first marriage and how your partner ended up, just want to make sure you dont feel any cause or blame for it or because of any sexual sin from is at the root of anything.

Also I agree with not involving family/family friends for accountability, it seems at this point, there is no impulse control, youve stated it more then once and things just keep progressing, so your saying you dont want to do something yet keep doing it. So do you Truly want to stop? If so Why? Really examine that....

I am sure the first marriage did a number on you also, your sexual self and self esteem, your value, your desire, etc... you did grieve the loss, the death of a relationship but that person is still around and a shell of the former person you knew.

Im sure running to your current bfs arms for release is a way to just not feel anything and let go..... so its asking yourself what feelings your running from to get that release to drug you sexually to feel better.
afoxandabunny
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Re: prayers please for my relationship

Post by afoxandabunny »

DoveGrey wrote: Fri Sep 02, 2022 9:13 pm I will pray.

I do have a question that you don't need to answer here. Are you more or less hesitant about marrying him than you were in January?

Less , we were pretty sure at the beginning of the summer . Now quite confused . Yet I just want to go to bed w him . It’s really a hard place to be.
afoxandabunny
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Re: prayers please for my relationship

Post by afoxandabunny »

newwifenewlife wrote: Sat Sep 03, 2022 4:08 am Welcome back and thanks for the update. As I said before, I'll pray for you as God brings you to mind. F&aB, what personal work have you done in your life to heal from your previous relationship? From past hurts of your previous marriage? Family? Dad? Sexual abuse? Is there a need for validation that you're trying to fill? How did your previous relationships and certainly marriage start? Why did it fail? Did it have a a solid foundation and your ex just made foolish choices? What was your contribution to the marital health? (Big or little we all contribute something)

Since you're not sure what you're posting for, I'll add some thoughts from personal experience and decades of observation & conversation and your own words in your post confirm the following: sexual sin short-circuits the communication process and a couple's relational development and creates a false sense of intimacy and relational closeness. It's much easier to off and do _________ as an unmarried couple than it is to develop the skills and art of communicating through difficulties and sharing one's deepest desires, dreams and fears beyond the sexual.

Besides the questions above, here are some more:
- what issues are you having that have been overlooked or ignored?
- beyond sex, what do you have in common? What dreams do you see happening together beyond the sexual?
- what is so appealing that you're willing to ignore the spiritual truth you know for instant gratification?
- what hole or void in your life (past or present) might you be trying to fill by going against your faith and convictions?
- would you consider no contact for a period of months to get some space for reflection on the thoughts?
- what professional counseling help have you received, relationally? spiritually?
- would you being willing to get some serious accountability (not your moms, that just puts a strain on your personal relationship with them, it assumes they're healthy and it brings potential resentment towards the other person if the relationship continues)?
- what are some healthy boundaries that could be put in place if you were start seeing each other again after a cooling off period? (This would include not being in private places, and more specifically rooms and long periods of time parked in a car together.)

All sin is a product of unhealthiness. Sexual sin between a couple is a product of poor relational health and boundaries, both as individuals and as a couple. Until those issues are discovered and resolved, there will be confusion and continued sin.

Let me end with this, God loves you and He said, "if we confess our sin, He is faithful and will forgive us and cleanse us" (I John 1:9). aF&aB,I want the best for you. I want to you to know that the best years of life and love can be ahead of you and not behind if, if, IF you'll do the hard work in yourself first. I can tell you it's worth it. I've done it wrong and learned the hard way and I've done the hard work and am now reaping the benefits of the hard work and lessons learned. Your daughter needs a spiritually and emotionally healthy YOU, the best one you can give her! What are you doing to give your daughter that? Otherwise, while it's hard to see now, understand this, if you do not work on your health and healing, she will take on your unhealthy issues...and those of her dad's as well. Trust me, a stepdad may not be what's best for her...or for a long time; that's certainly what my now-wife will tell you. Again, I will pray for you as God brings you to mind.

Hello thank you for all these thoughts.

I will answer some and then some more later! \

so I have done some work to heal. Yet I have a ways to go. Personal prayer. I was attending prayer counseling but I was kicked out bc of the sexual sin I was not really stopping at that time. I am in counseling every few weeks. I started a celebrate recovery program a few years ago but it ended due to the pandemic but am resuming this coming October.

In terms of my marriage, there was not a good foundation, I now see. We enjoyed having fun together. I ignored red flags. We were sexual and did not talk about a lot of important things when dating. After marriage crash everything went south. I was selfish at times. He came out as bi then trans. I definitely wasn't the best wife, but it was a marriage doomed. it's been 3 years since he came out now. I was only married and together for 4, the divorce took a couple years.

Again I will answer a few of these....

I believe we do have a lot in common other than the sexual stuff, but we also didn't realize alot of the challenges. I think there is a lot of good there. He is my best friend truly. He is a wonderful man. very family oriented, kind, giving, protective.

WE were doing premarital counseling before all of the issues came up. The counselor said we seemed like a great match. He went on a summer sabbatical and will be back next week and we will meet with him. please pray for guidance. I am not sure about the idea of a break. It is hard bc our families r friends and we go to the same church. His family already feels like family to me. And visa versa.

I'm curious what "serious accountability" would look like. Telling our parents is pretty serious bc we now feel like we can't go in rooms alone together.

It's really hard. I have a very high sex drive. I want to jump in bed w this man. But we don't even know if we area. match to marry and it's killing me. WE are now about a month out from anything sexual. I am ashamed to admit initially I started the sin bc I wanted to see that he was into me bc I felt so low after having my ex come out as trans. I initiated something very not good. he continued it for sure. I miss it. but we know we can't go there.
K&M15
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Re: prayers please for my relationship

Post by K&M15 »

My husband and I got married immediately after high school. We started with literally nothing. We knew we wanted to be with each other. My husband was wise beyond his years. I said a few times while dating him through school that it was like I was dating an order guy. I would say it at him out of frustration. He said once, sexual immorality caused the most devout men in the Bible to fall. So we got married. We would have sooner if we could have.

So, if you two truly love each other other and willing to be dedicated to each other get married. As Apostle Paul said, better to marry than to burn. If you are frugal and good stewarts with you finances, money won’t be a problem. Sure you will have fights and hard times, that life. We have always been a one income family. My husband has worked so hard for me and eventually our children, sometimes 2 or 3 jobs those first few years. Even now when he comes home, I make sure he comes home to a loving wife and this isn’t easy especially when kids have come along but he’s a good husband, father and very loving.
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