I met someone !! Home issues

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I met someone !! Home issues

Post by afoxandabunny »

I met someone about a year ago who I met on a Christian dating app , and am getting married this summer! Super excited but also stressed and nervous but blessed. I'm getting a step son also who I love very much. Since I used this username in the past and it was from my first marriage I might change it if I can but couldn't figure out how !!

I am getting married in a month and a half . My fiance and I r both in our thirties and each have a child we have primary custody of from a previous marriage . We have both been staying w our parents . I will be moving a few hours away , out of state w my six year old .

We r currently building a modular home and we thought it would be done by the time of the wedding (we are having a small wedding w just immediate family but everything is booked and we'd lose money if delayed the wedding). Our home project has been delayed and it is looking strongly like our home will not be done by the time of the wedding. It is very stressful . We don't know where we will live for the short term .

Today we went out and talked in depth about our living situation options. It's quite hard to find month to month rent (we don't wanna get a year lease as we don't know exactly when our home will be done ). It's also so expensive to rent a 2 plus bedroom apartment and we can barely afford w all the money we r putting into our home. He threw an option out today and asked today how I'd feel if we stayed for a month or two living w our child at our parents home . I honestly don't love the idea as I feel like if we r married we should be living together as family. I want to begin blending our families . It would save thousands potentially but I don't love the idea . We can't really push the wedding forward bc of the money put down .... at first I didn't mind the idea but I don't think I like it .

I had an idea of maybe getting a one br apartment and it would be very tight w our two crazy young kids and trying to blend a family in tight quarters but it might be our best bet and I think it's doable . One br seems much more affordable than 2 plus br and it's for a short time . Also tight as well get little privacy to ya know .... but it would be very short term and we'd be together . We r looking into this option . We have to be in the area by the fall as my child is starting school over there and I will hopefully be starting work as well

Would love thoughts . Excited but it's stressful so much is up in the air. Prayers please as we blend our families and in this chaotic time !!!!!
Last edited by afoxandabunny on Sun May 26, 2024 6:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I met someone !! Home issues

Post by Lazer99 »

First off, Congrats! I didn't take time to read on any backstory to this (if you have ever shared more) but it's exciting to be moving forward!
A few thoughts on the living arrangement- first, assuming that you are somewhere in North America, keep in mind our standard of living is far above what many other places consider normal. So while I would say a 1BR will definitely bring it's challenges, it's not like it's impossible to live like that. After all, I've been to many places where the apartment you may be considering would be considered a luxury filled spacious home!
I have been tempted to move our family into an rv as a temporary transition when changing homes (wife vetod however) so I understand the mentality to save money esp in a high cost housing market!
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Re: I met someone !! Home issues

Post by DoveGrey »

In a situation like this, my thoughts always go to the children. If you don't move at the time of the wedding, will your son have to transfer schools midyear? That's tough on a kid and would mean that a move at the wedding would be best. But I also wonder how well the two step siblings get along. A one bedroom apartment might be tougher on them depending on their relationship.

Perhaps if the house isn't ready by the time school starts, you could do the one bedroom apartment just before school starts instead of right after the wedding. That might give the kids a bit more space for a longer time.

I obviously don't know the answers to these questions, and I'm sure you've thought of all this. I'm just tossing them out there from the perspective of an educator who gets to hear the child's side when a family is blended.
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Re: I met someone !! Home issues

Post by Crow »

Delaying the wedding will cost money. An apartment will cost money. What would cost more? Do you know exactly what it would cost to delay the wedding?
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Re: I met someone !! Home issues

Post by fearlesslunk »

Sometimes delaying a wedding is necessary. BUT I am not sure saving some $ or the housing delay feels like a good enough reason. You said “THIS summer,” so you could be displacing dozens of people’s travel plans - which could potentially result in thousands of dollars in losses. AND you don’t want to begin your marriage by making your closest friends & family annoyed at your late-in-the-game change.

The 1BR option seems great to me. I suggest treating it like a luxury hotel room. You don’t NEED to entertain guests, so use the living room as the kids bedroom. Stay minimalist on furniture (since you are moving out soon). It gets you into the proper school zone, gives you a place with some privacy, and buys you time for your next home’s completion.
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Re: I met someone !! Home issues

Post by newwifenewlife »

I wish you the best on your next chapter of life and on blending a family. It will not be easy and it will not happen over night. Think of it like crockpot cooking, not pressure cooking or trying to fit something into a timeline. Low and slow is the way to go. The success of your marriage and blending a family will have NOTHING to do with your living arrangements for your first couple months. Sex? Yes. Marriage and blending a family? No.

In the broad scheme of things, this time will be the blind of an eye in your marriage. As someone else said, what can you afford and what is the values you want to establish in your marriage? Is saving money until school the best in the long run? Could you live with parents and the grandparents care for their grandchild on wknds and you could go get a hotel for two nights until the hose is ready? What about a hotel until the house is ready? Can you stay with your parents separately and then alternate visiting the in-laws every wknd? What about held from a church family or rental owner?

Are you really concerned about the first couple months of blending OR is it wanting sex? Answer that and figure out how you can accomplish both values. Maybe it’s living separate and the money saved can allow for hotel sex on occasion as mentioned above OR wknd fun activities/experiences with the kids to make some memories? (One of the best things we did was a couple “blending family” vacations with all our kids (adults & teens).

What kind of foundation for marriage have you laid?
- what work have you done on self-discovery and healing from your past? Upbringing? Choices made?
- what is your commitment to Christ and living as He has called you to follow Him?
- what work has your fiancé done on self-discovery and healing from his past? Upbringing? Choices made?
- what is your fiancé’s commitment to Christ and living as He has called him to follow Him?
- how will you & your your husband prioritize your marriage & commitment to each other?
- are you both committed to honoring that with your children? Especially when they feel like they’ve lost one or both parents. How will you navigate parenting your child and the marriage when they pull you in opposite directions? When you’re accused of not loving them?
-at the same time of prioritizing your marriage, can you let go when your husband needs quality alone time with his child? (It’s a struggle with no easy answers)
- have you discussed your parenting values? And that only the bioparent will discipline their own child?
- are you ready for the hard work when the stepchild or bio child turns on you? (Yes, it will happen, especially with a mom/daughter relationship as then move through the teen years?
-have you spent more time & money preparing for marriage than you have your wedding day?
- have you and your fiancé worked through any Ron Deal books such as PREPARING TO BLEND (see Amazon link below) or any of the SMART STEPFAMILY series Ron wrote?
-are you prepared for a difficult road ahead which marital and kid struggles that’ll be hard to overcome?
- are you prepared to allow every family member to blend in their own time and way? Including pulling back on occasion when it happens? (It will and does happen even years later)

These are the things I’ve discovered, personally experienced and/or observed. I was divorced 10 yrs before I remarried and it’s taken DW & I over 7 years to finally experience a honeymoon of sorts. Kids that we thought would become changed their tune, ex’s that we thought should be fine were not, ghosts of the past or and unknown issues surfaced and took a lot of energy to address, we sometimes made it harder on ourselves or mistakes were made by both of us thet caused riffs, and on top of all of that? Just plain life together happened.

You asked for my thoughts so there you go. I know you want and enjoy physical intimacy so I wish you the best. As I’ve said before, the best thing you can give your child is a healthy and whole self…and if your marriage will last, beyond the 1,3, and 7 year anniversary’s, I pray that you’ll be able to look back at the next 4 months as a time of sacrifice, hard choices and an adventure that was worth the effort for your family.

https://www.amazon.com/Preparing-Blend- ... 6821761719
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