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I posted several months ago about a new relationship post divorce w someone who has been my friend for a long time. I wanted to upset on that and share about some issues we are having. I'd love a sounding board bc I feel lost about it.
my boyfriend and I have been dating about half a year. I'm 32 and he is 29 . As I said I went through a complicated divorce where my ex decided to live an LGBT lifestyle. He is a virgin (other than with me if you count what we did and never married) . We truly feel like we have known eachother for years. We have a very lovely relationship in every regard... except for sexual stuff. that is where it's hard and messy and complicated. In every other area it's great. we get along. each others families already feel like family. he is fantastic w my 4 year old and she loves him. it kinda works ; except this one issue. We are actually in premarital counseling w a pastor who is my BF's family friend bc we are thinking of marriage and decided to do counseling before we get engaged. Honestly, it sounds rushed but we were friends first so we feel we know eachother deeply. The counseling is going well, but it feels awkward being fully open about the sexual stuff bc this counselor is well, a family friend of my boyfriends.
Let me share about the sexual part of our relationship. I shared some in the last post I made.
I am embarrased to admit that we became sexual very early on when we were dating. I think I didn't have many safe guards up bc I didn't realize it would be a huge issue for us. We went from kissing to oral sex in a few weeks. Once about 2 months in he ejaculated close to my vagina and we were slightly scared I was pregnant and I ended up being a day late for my period and we ended up taking a test in the family bathroom at target even tho we knew the chance was low since we didn't go inside . Thankfully it was negative; we want children and I long for more babies but not while we are unmarried and only dating 2 months. We both knew it was wrong and would go a few weeks being "good" and then fail again. I think it was more my fault early on that we did stuff. I kinda pushed it a bit. I wanted to know he desired me and I felt refused like I had been w my ex. I know this was a sin. he'd to stop things. I was also hurt bc I just wanted to know he wanted to please me. He's a man and he finishes much faster than me. I sometimes have trouble finishing. Sometimes we'd start fooling around and he'd orgasm and then be like ahhh we have to stop we are messing up, and I'd just be starting to get going and like. what?!. so he started trying to please me. I regret kinda opening the sexual can of worms. esp bc I'm the one who has had sex before as I've been married, he had only dry humped a past girlfriend never even touched anyone so it was all new to him and I pushed to be more sexual. Again especially after the target incident we swore off doing this stuff. we'd repent, but end up back in it. usually 2-3 good weeks.
Lets see about a month ago the tables turned I kinda had a moment where I realized we had to stop. We had a boundary (that we keep breaking bc it's hard), that we wouldn't go in my bedroom. Again it's hard. I have a child. He is living w his sister (a widow) who has children). we get almost no alone time together. It's not like we have tons of opportunities. We had a few minutes on a day my daughter was w her other parent before counseling. and we went upstairs and I stupidly showed him my stash of sex toys. I realized I basically could have been having sex. like God isn't fooled if it's plastic vs a penis. I was acting like an animal and I felt so sick inside afterwards and realized I can't do that again and felt like a pig rolling in the mud.
Since then I've become the one pushing him away he he has been pushing me to do stuff more as I say no. At times for instance we'll be kissing (we are ok w kissing but after that we draw the line), and he'll go to grab my private areas and I have to push him away so the whole time we do things I just am thinking about stopping him. sometimes I'm horny and do it anyway. I feel the roles have reversed and I'm kinda like the gate keeper now and he feels bad. I feel it's so messed up that we have so much guilt about the sexual stuff and I'm worried that all of this will come into play when we get married. Sometimes I feel maybe God will curse us if we mess up . we both just long for it so much. it does feel kinda violating to have him push me to do stuff but I did early on. we both know it's wrong. we become different people when we are horny. as I said we have a great relationship. we love giving to eachother and that sorta thing but when we are being sexual we both act selfishly.
one other issue is my BF has a past history of porn. He has been clean for a long time. months. he has told me and I believe him he hasn't done it since we have been together at all. but since we haven't done as much sexual stuff in the last month he said he's been tempted and feels the enemy is attacking him in that area but he hasn't done it. he has no desire he hates it. but I worry what if I'm just a substitute bc I used to be doing more sexual stuff. I am slightly scared his history w porn will effect our sex life if we get married. when he wants to do stuff and I'm trying to stop it, sometimes it's hard to get his hand away. I'm slightly worried would he restrain me and do things I don't want against my will if we were married?
I think we need stricter boundaries. I feel sick . overall we are doing less physical stuff than early on when I wasn't careful at all. we need to keep the boundary of going in my room. like who are we fooling. last night we went out. fought the temptation all night when we kissed I kept pushing him away. then we ended up masturnbating together briefly. I guess we kept the boundaries more strictly. maybe get accountability. we have a great relationship but the sexual stuff is messy complicated and hard and I wonder if we are setting our selves up for a bad sex life in marriage if we get marriage. it seems there are issues if we wait and if we don't.
If you have considerable assurance he is the man for you (I don't know, but maybe you do), I wonder, what is holding you back from getting married very soon?
Could you find a mature Christian couple with whom you two can be very open and ask them for help with daily accountability? You both need that, don't you think?
Also, your concerns for causing your relationship harm, now and when married - should you get married - are reason to take serious measures now to make things less complicated later. Does that make sense?
- California King
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First of all know that Serafina and I are praying for you. What you have gone through over the past few years is extremely traumatizing. What your ex did to you and your daughter was evil. I wish DW and I could give you hugs and encouragement in person but our words on the forum will have to do.
Know that you are loved by God. Yes, you have made some mistakes in your new relationship but that doesn't mean God is out to smite you. You are His child. Is God a vindictive Father? Absolutely not. You are God's workmanship, special and precious to Him. See yourself as God sees you, a person that He sent His Son to die for.
Outside of your relationship with your BF do you have a solid group of friends and family that can lift you up and encourage you? Are you going to a healthy church? Do you have any accountability partners? Are you seeing a licensed professional counselor?
I completely understand your longing to be desired. Have you shared these thoughts with your BF? If so, he should realize how vulnerable you are in this area and verbally reassure you of his desire. He should also not take advantage of your vulnerability by engaging in sexual acts.
one other issue is my BF has a past history of porn. He has been clean for a long time. months. he has told me and I believe him he hasn't done it since we have been together at all. but since we haven't done as much sexual stuff in the last month he said he's been tempted and feels the enemy is attacking him in that area but he hasn't done it. he has no desire he hates it. but I worry what if I'm just a substitute bc I used to be doing more sexual stuff.
I know this is something you may not want to hear but I want to be honest with you. These two statements are red flags. A man is responsible for his own sin. You are not responsible for his porn use. Someone trying to coerce a person into sex by implying they will watch porn otherwise is not displaying loving behavior.I am slightly scared his history w porn will effect our sex life if we get married. when he wants to do stuff and I'm trying to stop it, sometimes it's hard to get his hand away. I'm slightly worried would he restrain me and do things I don't want against my will if we were married?
Also, your no should be final. If he is not respecting your boundaries and continues sexual stimulation even when you are saying stop that is assault. The fact that you are worried about being restrained is a major red flag in my mind.
If you are not already doing so I strongly suggest that you see a licensed professional counselor on your own. I know it can be tough to open up to someone like that but you need someone who has your best interests at heart and is a third-party that can see things you may not be able to see right now. The premarital counseling you are currently doing with your boyfriend's friend will not accomplish that goal in my mind.