kp23 - I'm new and feel alone!

[Doug]

kp23. I read your post with more than a little sadness. I wasn't really sure what to make of it at first, so I have gone back and re-read it a couple of times to try to gain a better understanding before responding. The first thing I will say is that I am sorry you are going thru all of this. Often we get more from a marriage, or any other relationship for that matter, than we expected or bargained for. Often it is pure joy, and it seems almost as often that it is anything but joyous, and sometimes it is just downright painful. I suspect the second description feels more accurate to you right now, and I am sorry you have to go thru it.

I have a couple of thoughts to share, but honestly, I am not sure if I have them completely settled in my mind. My first thought tho, is about as simple and straightforward is it can be. He needs to stop this behavior NOW, and you need to make it clear to him that there are consequences for him not doing so. As near as I can tell, he is just making excuses for his behavior, and what's more, you have also done so.

He has had rejection issues when he was young and also he said that he has a people pleasing complex.

Don't get me wrong, both of those can be complex issues to work thru, and they can lead to some pretty unhealthy thought processes, but they do not excuse behavior. They can and often do translate into behavior, and I suspect that is the first some of us even realize we have those struggles, but, and please don't miss this because it is important, once you are aware, and continue the behavior anyways, it is a deliberate act and any protestations to the contrary are just excuses.

To be fair, and to be completely transparent, I should confess that I have been where your husband is now. I am not judging him, because I have done worse, including a physical affair. I am only too familiar with how it can happen, even when you swear it can't.

As a backstop to requiring him to cease all correspondence with this woman, there needs to be accountability, and it really shouldn't be you. As much as this might pain both of you, this needs to be brought to light with a man who will hold him accountable. I don't believe it is beneficial or healthy for you to be looking thru his e-mail looking for evidence, particularly in light of the fact that when you find something, you are left feeling as you are now, and he can just go on about his business of making denials and excuses. I don't want to think poorly of him, but the truth is that at this point I believe he will continue if you allow it, and you are allowing it thru your inaction. If this was some childhood friendship that he wished to continue and you objected, I might be more understanding of his reluctance to let it go, but this was an improper relationship that he nurtured well into your marriage. There is simply nothing "right" about it.

I believe you are right in seeking a counselor or therapist, both as a couple and as an individual, and I am not sure how you make it happen, but I would also insist that he sees one himself. It would not be negotiable. Despite his knowing where some of his issues lie, he seems unwilling or unable to move beyond them on his own.

I could touch on your marriage in general, but I hesitate. There may be something wrong there, and you seem to believe there is, but the truth is that it could all be him and his issues that have led him down this road. On the other hand, I would encourage you to really examine things, and see if thru some act or omission you might be at least partially responsible, not for his sin, but the condition of your marriage, and work to address that. I say that hesitantly because it might seem like victim blaming. The truth is tho, that right up until I gave in to temptation myself, I can honestly say that I had been a "victim" myself. If I had to choose a word to define what I was a victim of, it would be abandonment. I have no doubt that some of that was in my head, and my own perceptions, but those perceptions were pretty well rooted in circumstance as much as they were in my head. I guess the easiest way to explain that, is that if you are already struggling with abandonment, pretty much any rejection can be magnified beyond reality, but it still starts with the rejection. Again, I am not saying that is the case, and I hope I don't offend by bringing it up, but I believe it is important enough to at least mention.

The last thing I would offer tho is not advice, but encouragement. There have already been a few folks speak up about the past condition of their marriage, and how much better it is now, and I can honestly add my own to the list. Both myself and my wife have done damage to our marriage that most would say we could not recover from, but like others, I would say that ours is at it's best right now. Every trial we faced either alone or together has strengthened us and our marriage, but it has taken a lot of work, a river of tears, and a tremendous portion of grace.

[Horseman1978]

Welcome

My heart breaks to read of your challenges; I can imagine that experiencing this in a church is almost tougher than the secular world; thus the loneliness!

My wife and I were great friends with a couple in the exact same situation. He refused both counseling and accountability, then later refused to accept sensible boundaries and phone monitoring from friends, and later agreed to monitoring, bit was quickly busted with a second phone and new email accounts.

As others have mentioned here, this is not something that can fix itself, and it is likely his own shame and pride that is keeping him from attending counseling. If he agrees to go, there must be boundaries and serious accountability if you are to succeed in overcoming this successfully.

GPS trackers are cheap, and those that have been living a secret life should be quietly tested to be sure they're not still acting out. I'm sure some will disagree with this, but the lengths my friend went to with secret email accounts new phones, and hotel rentals, showed me how deep the deceit ran. It ultimately involved several pastors and multiple pastors spouses, in addition to the web of lies he spun for me and his kids. He too tried too justify his second phone, new laptop and "secret email accounts" under the same story as your husband. He too wanted to reach out to his mistress(s) and "let them down easy".

My friend ultimately attended counseling, and made things "look" normal, but that too was a clever ruse as he was back to his old ways in months. He circumvented all the boundaries and lied to his family and friends yet again. That's when I realized that the only way I could determine if he was being honest, was to put a magnetic GPS tracker on his truck; similar to the ones use to track construction tools or kids. I knew that if I told him, he'd simply locate the tracker and remove it, or drive a different vehicle, so I decided to do it secretly. In the end, he was busted with yet another woman, so I abandoned both him and the idea. The only reason I planned to track him was that as a friend, I could not trust him again if I could not verify that he sent where he said he went.

As you move forward, do NOT be timid; do NOT let him try to handle this himself. You have been deeply hurt and YOU determine what boxes must be checked if trust is to be restored.

This CAN be saved, and our God is one of mercy grace and forgiveness, but that does not mean you should have blind trust in someone that has been dishonest. I will pray that you are strong and wise as you determine where you go next and what, if anything, he must do to demonstrate his faithfulness moving forward.

Kindest regards,

-Horseman1978-

[Spark]

Hmm, that's a tough situation. I'll pray for you. Can you take advantage of online or Zoom counseling? Being in a small town, I wonder if that may have some advantages for you.