What does it mean to be the "head"/"leader" of the household as the husband?

What about headship and submission? Unsaved spouse? Other marriage roles.
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Plumpurple
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What does it mean to be the "head"/"leader" of the household as the husband?

Post by Plumpurple »

I don't intend this as an oppositional post to the other ongoing post about women's role, just curious about men's take on it as your view of your spouse's role would be heavily influenced by your opinion of your own role.


To start off, I'll share some of the ways I see my husband leading our house that I greatly admire and view as biblical:
• My husband is often the first to apologize. He calls us both to repentance, humility and reconciliation
• My husband takes the initiative to find biblical media for us to discuss as our devotions together
• He listens wholeheartedly to my concerns, feelings and desires and helps ground us in logic to be able to proceed as a united front
• He doesn't become defensive when I voice a need for change, but shares his view/feelings with a level head and does his best to both calm my fears/address concerns while finding a solution that both of us can be comfortable with
• My husband is willing to support me when I feel incapable of accomplishing all that needs to be done - whether that be house chores, caring for our child, taking more hours at work, helping me find a job, or making sure I also get time to rest in the evenings by caring for our son without my assistance for a bit.
• When he is discontent with some aspect of our marriage or our interactions, his go-to phrase is, "Be curious, not judgmental." So instead of being angry with me, he asks, "Why is _______ happening? What can we do to fix it?"

Both of us value honoring/respecting each other, speaking kindly to and about one another, and helping one another in every way we can. While I had some of the same instincts and values when it comes to communication prior to our marriage, his level-headed and understanding example have helped me grow and be confident in trusting in him.
Last edited by Plumpurple on Mon Jun 06, 2022 11:05 am, edited 1 time in total.
Doug
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Re: What does it mean to be the "head"/"leader" of the household as the husband?

Post by Doug »

Great question. I really enjoyed reading some of the examples you listed. Those are some things to aspire to.

While it isn’t all inclusive, when I think of leadership, it is easier for me to revert to my Army background. As I mentioned in the other post, leadership isn’t some sort of reward. It is a tool that is only granted to empower you to meet your responsibilities. It is not self serving. It is standing next to the chow line watching to ensure that all of your men are fed, before getting your own chow. It is setting the example, not bossing people around. It is giving up your Saturday to go down to the barracks to check on your guys. It is maintaining a proficiency so that you can train others. It is encouraging, not berating, tho sometimes you are called to discipline. It is even tempered and level headed when things are going sideways. It always cares about the welfare of those you are responsible for.

I could list a lot of other examples where military leadership mirrors headship. There are a few differences and they are massive, but in most cases, I believe it takes the same heart.
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Re: What does it mean to be the "head"/"leader" of the household as the husband?

Post by LBD »

My overwhelming priority job as leader of my family is to lead them to heaven with me. Luckily, I married a woman who helped me get there as well. Leadership is not getting everyone to do what you want because you said so - that is tyranny. Instead leaders inspire, motivate, lead by example, and leaders sacrifice their desires for the benefit of those they lead - "leaders eat last." They (good ones) live in such a way that those they lead want to follow them. Jesus is our example, both as head of the church, and as bridegroom to His bride the church. The overall picture I have of Jesus is forgiving, loving, selfless, shrewd, impassioned, and at times if needed could fashion a whip and run the riff-raff out of the yard! Unending compassion, unquestionable authority.

Fathers have an unbelievable burden to carry. How you act toward your children as earthly fathers will set the stage for how they perceive their heavenly father. At least it will influence the framework from which they build their image of God. Part of that is how husbands act toward their wives. The kids see and absorb that. If you want them to think of Jehovah as this power lording god who is seeking to judge them harshly, then treat their mother that way - they'll get the idea. Do you want them to understand God as a compassionate, forgiving heavenly father? Then you need to live that example first.
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Re: What does it mean to be the "head"/"leader" of the household as the husband?

Post by DoveGrey »

Plumpurple wrote: Mon Jun 06, 2022 10:03 am • When he is discontent with some aspect of our marriage or our interactions, his go-to phrase is, "Be curious, not judgmental." So instead of being angry with me, he asks, "Why is _______ happening? What can we do to fix it?"
The phrase "Stay Curious" is my current motto. You get a lot more accomplished when you ask questions.

So much of what is being described in this thread are perfect examples of servant leadership. We should all be so blessed to have this as our model in all aspects of life.
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Re: What does it mean to be the "head"/"leader" of the household as the husband?

Post by Olorin »

DoveGrey wrote: Tue Jun 07, 2022 3:07 pm
Plumpurple wrote: Mon Jun 06, 2022 10:03 am • When he is discontent with some aspect of our marriage or our interactions, his go-to phrase is, "Be curious, not judgmental." So instead of being angry with me, he asks, "Why is _______ happening? What can we do to fix it?"
The phrase "Stay Curious" is my current motto. You get a lot more accomplished when you ask questions.

So much of what is being described in this thread are perfect examples of servant leadership. We should all be so blessed to have this as our model in all aspects of life.
I really like this! Absolutely agree that asking questions is essential to making forward progress in most endeavors.
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Re: What does it mean to be the "head"/"leader" of the household as the husband?

Post by LovingHimAlways »

Plumpurple wrote: Mon Jun 06, 2022 10:03 am • When he is discontent with some aspect of our marriage or our interactions, his go-to phrase is, "Be curious, not judgmental." So instead of being angry with me, he asks, "Why is _______ happening? What can we do to fix it?"

Both of us value honoring/respecting each other, speaking kindly to and about one another, and helping one another in every way we can. While I had some of the same instincts and values when it comes to communication prior to our marriage, his level-headed and understanding example have helped me grow and be confident in trusting in him.
I love this! This is such a great model of communicating in love and not defensiveness.

I confess that too often when we are having a disagreement, I am too quick in jumping to defensive mode. My husband is much more even keeled in his thinking and reactions. Following his example for 30 years, I have gotten better in this area. I'm still a work in progress.
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