What can I, as a wife, do?

[Brynna]

Of everything you wrote about, what would you say is your biggest challenge?

Probably feeling smothered and wishing for more conversation. I feel smothered when he's around so much, because he means so well and does all these little things for me. But it takes over my life and drives me crazy. Just in all areas.

[Brynna]

Since you have done so, I dont think it is realistic to feel put out when you are in the kitchen and he's sitting on his arse. You warned him off....he's heeding your warning. I would change the rules that you sought to establish. "You know, honey(words of endearment, spoken in sincerity, go MILES with us), when I said the kitchen is my territory, stay out (my paraphrase, but that's likely what he heard), I was bothered/hurt that what you would do is to go in there and be critical of how I was doing things. I would really like to have your help in preparing meals, and cooking and cleaning up afterwards. It would make my life easier, and give us time to enjoy the process together, or to share in the work...both of which might help us over this hump we are stuck on..."

So, yes, DH still comes into the kitchen. He isn't a cook, at all. But I finally couldn't handle it when he'd tell me that I never have the right measuring cups, look at the expiry dates on the food, tell me I needed to get more luncheon plates, that his mom's stove never got dirty when she cooked, etc, etc. Now, DH is NOT a critical man. I'm much more critical than he is. But, this is what happens when he sits around too much. It just isn't good. In summer, he will never even take note of what's happening in the kitchen. As long as he gets 3 meals a day, he's happy, lol.

I want things to change. Unfortunately, unless he makes a grim determination to help, I'm on my own with changing. We've had many happy years of marriage, where I loved to be with him. I can look back and see I'm not vulnerable with him like I was 3 yrs ago. I think I just got tired of being shut down when talking. Also, we had a wayward child who was into all sorts of things. That was a common goal...focusing on that child, agonizing over it all, praying much, the sleepless nights, etc. 2 yrs ago, that child turned their life around. A true miracle. But I don't know exactly how that played into our marriage, except maybe we focused much on our child and not our marriage? And I know I've reacted...mainly started treating him how he treated me. Not talking much, not much for compliments, etc. I'm just weary, I guess.

I'm very glad to hear a husband's perspective. It gives me ideas.

[Plumpurple]

A major part of the sitting around that bothers me is that it's over half the year. We live in a cold climate where there's just over 2 months between frosts... DH gets lethargic, no interest in sex, etc. He just doesn't feel good about himself and admits that.

Have y'all thought about having a dreaming session together about what you could do with all this free time together? How you could intentionally use it to do things that grow you both, activities you enjoy, and build your relationship? It sounds like a dream to have all that time available, but this is the other side of the coin on that blessing for sure!

If I ask clarifying questions, he doesn't know... I've asked him many times what I could do different or make him feel more loved. He never has any answers, or else says he can't think of anything.

My husband is the same if it is something i really want an answer on, i ask him to think it over and let me know in the next couple days. He often needs time to think things through and give a good answer. He doesn't like saying things he hasn't thought through, so he would rather stay silent than give an answer he isn't confident in.

I think at least in our case I'm much more socially oriented than DH and have more developed ideas about what a relationship could be. His standards aren't set very high according to his previous experience either with his family or previous romantic relationships. Listening to podcasts about marriage and family is helping us both get on the same page moreso. He has a high interest in the academic side of things and is very interested in Christian theology. We listened to some theologically based resources about different elements of love (like The Bible Project's discussion about "Ezer" as it relates to a wife's relation to her husband) and found that really motivated his heart and mind to imagine a potential reality that was worth working toward.

I did have a texting conversation recently, with a friend. She made the remark about having healthy discussions when it's a subject you don't agree on. We were not talking about marriage. It was other things. But right away, I thought of marriage. I told DH about the healthy discussion. He totally agreed. (If a conversation isn't how he likes, he's often left the room. But that's gotten so much better)

I know a lot of people view texting as a lesser form for conversations to happen in, but we have found for our marriage that sometimes important/highly emotional discussions are best if they happen through messaging. It gives both of us time to respond thoughtfully and word things the way we want to, and make sure we aren't forgetting to reply to the full extent of each other's concerns because we can re-read each other's words and process them more thoroughly. Probably doesn't work for everyone, but it's been a helpful tool at times.

[Brynna]

Have y'all thought about having a dreaming session together about what you could do with all this free time together? How you could intentionally use it to do things that grow you both, activities you enjoy, and build your relationship? It sounds like a dream to have all that time available, but this is the other side of the coin on that blessing for sure!

Sigh....yes. but DH is not a dreamer. He says why would he dream if he knows it won't happen? He only ever dreams of one thing and that's aquiring more [assets]. He had one large dream once that was completely dashed by someone who he should have been able to trust. I've asked him what we could do together but he's not really willing or able to come up with anything. He even said we were too young for hobbies. Lol, which is funny because I so have lots of hobbies!

[DoveGrey]

I get the need for conversation. My husband, too, is not a man of many words. It's taken conversation starters like those found on the Ultimate Intimacy app or the Gottman Card Decks apps to get him to open up more. It helped strengthen our relationship at a time we needed it.