What can I, as a wife, do?

Money, In-laws, and other things that drive you crazy.
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Brynna
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by Brynna »

DoveGrey wrote: Wed Mar 22, 2023 11:39 pm Of everything you wrote about, what would you say is your biggest challenge?
Probably feeling smothered and wishing for more conversation. I feel smothered when he's around so much, because he means so well and does all these little things for me. But it takes over my life and drives me crazy. Just in all areas.
Brynna
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by Brynna »

footnassman wrote: Thu Mar 23, 2023 4:51 am Since you have done so, I dont think it is realistic to feel put out when you are in the kitchen and he's sitting on his arse. You warned him off....he's heeding your warning. I would change the rules that you sought to establish. "You know, honey(words of endearment, spoken in sincerity, go MILES with us), when I said the kitchen is my territory, stay out (my paraphrase, but that's likely what he heard), I was bothered/hurt that what you would do is to go in there and be critical of how I was doing things. I would really like to have your help in preparing meals, and cooking and cleaning up afterwards. It would make my life easier, and give us time to enjoy the process together, or to share in the work...both of which might help us over this hump we are stuck on..."

So, yes, DH still comes into the kitchen. He isn't a cook, at all. But I finally couldn't handle it when he'd tell me that I never have the right measuring cups, look at the expiry dates on the food, tell me I needed to get more luncheon plates, that his mom's stove never got dirty when she cooked, etc, etc. Now, DH is NOT a critical man. I'm much more critical than he is. But, this is what happens when he sits around too much. It just isn't good. In summer, he will never even take note of what's happening in the kitchen. As long as he gets 3 meals a day, he's happy, lol.

I want things to change. Unfortunately, unless he makes a grim determination to help, I'm on my own with changing. We've had many happy years of marriage, where I loved to be with him. I can look back and see I'm not vulnerable with him like I was 3 yrs ago. I think I just got tired of being shut down when talking. Also, we had a wayward child who was into all sorts of things. That was a common goal...focusing on that child, agonizing over it all, praying much, the sleepless nights, etc. 2 yrs ago, that child turned their life around. A true miracle. But I don't know exactly how that played into our marriage, except maybe we focused much on our child and not our marriage? And I know I've reacted...mainly started treating him how he treated me. Not talking much, not much for compliments, etc. I'm just weary, I guess.

I'm very glad to hear a husband's perspective. It gives me ideas.
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by Plumpurple »

Brynna wrote: Thu Mar 23, 2023 8:23 am A major part of the sitting around that bothers me is that it's over half the year. We live in a cold climate where there's just over 2 months between frosts... DH gets lethargic, no interest in sex, etc. He just doesn't feel good about himself and admits that.
Have y'all thought about having a dreaming session together about what you could do with all this free time together? How you could intentionally use it to do things that grow you both, activities you enjoy, and build your relationship? It sounds like a dream to have all that time available, but this is the other side of the coin on that blessing for sure!
If I ask clarifying questions, he doesn't know... I've asked him many times what I could do different or make him feel more loved. He never has any answers, or else says he can't think of anything.
My husband is the same 😆 if it is something i really want an answer on, i ask him to think it over and let me know in the next couple days. He often needs time to think things through and give a good answer. He doesn't like saying things he hasn't thought through, so he would rather stay silent than give an answer he isn't confident in.

I think at least in our case I'm much more socially oriented than DH and have more developed ideas about what a relationship could be. His standards aren't set very high according to his previous experience either with his family or previous romantic relationships. Listening to podcasts about marriage and family is helping us both get on the same page moreso. He has a high interest in the academic side of things and is very interested in Christian theology. We listened to some theologically based resources about different elements of love (like The Bible Project's discussion about "Ezer" as it relates to a wife's relation to her husband) and found that really motivated his heart and mind to imagine a potential reality that was worth working toward.
I did have a texting conversation recently, with a friend. She made the remark about having healthy discussions when it's a subject you don't agree on. We were not talking about marriage. It was other things. But right away, I thought of marriage. I told DH about the healthy discussion. He totally agreed. (If a conversation isn't how he likes, he's often left the room. But that's gotten so much better)
I know a lot of people view texting as a lesser form for conversations to happen in, but we have found for our marriage that sometimes important/highly emotional discussions are best if they happen through messaging. It gives both of us time to respond thoughtfully and word things the way we want to, and make sure we aren't forgetting to reply to the full extent of each other's concerns because we can re-read each other's words and process them more thoroughly. Probably doesn't work for everyone, but it's been a helpful tool at times.
Brynna
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by Brynna »

Plumpurple wrote: Thu Mar 23, 2023 11:00 am Have y'all thought about having a dreaming session together about what you could do with all this free time together? How you could intentionally use it to do things that grow you both, activities you enjoy, and build your relationship? It sounds like a dream to have all that time available, but this is the other side of the coin on that blessing for sure!
Sigh....yes. but DH is not a dreamer. He says why would he dream if he knows it won't happen? He only ever dreams of one thing and that's aquiring more [assets]. He had one large dream once that was completely dashed by someone who he should have been able to trust. I've asked him what we could do together but he's not really willing or able to come up with anything. He even said we were too young for hobbies. Lol, which is funny because I so have lots of hobbies!
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by DoveGrey »

I get the need for conversation. My husband, too, is not a man of many words. It's taken conversation starters like those found on the Ultimate Intimacy app or the Gottman Card Decks apps to get him to open up more. It helped strengthen our relationship at a time we needed it.
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Brynna
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by Brynna »

Update....

I see it's about 6 months since I posted the original question, so here's a bit of an update.

Things got worse and worse, and although I wouldn't have done it, the thought was in the back of my mind, about gracefully leaving for awhile. I had no plans, I tried to talk to DH but he jist ahived it off and said he was trying. I didn't feel that he was and honestly saw no way out of this. I couldn't stand seeing him, nor having sex with him. Sometimes I did leave the house when he came in. I don't think he ever caught on to that. Any discussions got us nowhere.

Now about 2 months ago, he was doing some research online. Or something came to his email, and he told me a few things he had learned. He never researches stuff like this and is is not a risk taker so he won't try much. See, he has ED, probably moderate, and was on testosterone, for 3 yrs It appears that for him it was a waste of money. First it was way too low, next year was way too high. And we were paying high prices and it wasn't doing anything. Actually it did help him orgasm faster, but that's it. Erections didn't improve. He decided he wanted to wean himself off of it. He was doing the cream and already on the lowest dose anyway.

I also ordered organic whole foods multi vitamins for both of us. I now have a different hisband. Cheerful, and a whole different demeanor. We actually can laugh together, he has more interest in sex, even though erections aren't all that great yet. His whining, sitting around, negativity, snarky remarks, etc have all disappeared. I asked him if his brain felt better. Yes, way better. Just like he used to feel. I could see it, even in his working, that he was feeling better. For years, I've asked him to do a couples devotional or something with me, but he wouldn't. I left it lying around. He told me a couple weeks ago that he's now reading it, too, and it has such good thoughts! I feel hopeful now, but I can only hope it will last. The last 2 yrs have been extremely rough. I told him I could not live through retirement like this and that it looked endless. But for now, we are getting a break, thank God, and I pray that it lasts.
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by garyb »

Brynna wrote: Thu Oct 12, 2023 8:41 am Update....

I now have a different hisband. Cheerful, and a whole different demeanor.
That is so good to hear. I pray that it continues to better and better week by week.

Side Note: I should look into those multi vitamins.
--GaryB
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by LovingHimAlways »

Brynna wrote: Thu Oct 12, 2023 8:41 am Update....

I see it's about 6 months since I posted the original question, so here's a bit of an update.
That's great news! Praying that it continues.
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by SeekingChange »

What a great update!

After 5 years of trying and adjustments, my husband could never maintain a sweet spot with TRT alone. I don't know if you would consider this or it be an option for you, but my husband takes a small (5 mg) daily dose of generic Cialis. It has made a HUGE difference with his erections. (If you try it, he found the cheapest way to do it was get 20mg pills and cut them in 1/4.)
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: What can I, as a wife, do?

Post by Plumpurple »

What an encouraging update! Glad to hear of y'all's progress and praying it continues ❤️
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