Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?

[alexschulze]

Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?
In many cultures children live with parents until they are married,
many stay even after they get married. In US there was a time when
kids left for college they never came back. With pandemic many kids are now
staying home with parents and saving on rent, electricity and groceries, many
have full time jobs and still prefer staying with parents.

[KatieMarie]

I love my parents, but after I left for school there was no way I wanted to live at home.

[SeekingChange]

Sure it's okay if that's what works for the family.... even once married, it may be for the benefit of all to still share a home. BTDT.... it was a HUGE blessing, and I wouldn't change a thing, because I know my dil's years in our home forever changed the trajectory of her life, therefore my sons and grandkids lives. She didn't know love and peace until she experienced it, literally, in our home and family.

It seems to me that the independent culture is an American thing, not a world or even biblical culture. Codependency is something that needs to be watched out for....and all parties need to respect certain boundaries. But there's some huge benefit in multi-generational homes.

[newwifenewlife]

Is it ok? That's up to you. To me the bigger questions are: why are they doing so? Is it healthy for them? Is it healthy for you & your marriage?

I've seen too many young adults crippled emotionally & relationally by their helicopter, controlling or manipulative parents. I've also seen marriages handicapped by young adults living at home because the parents use the kids as a buffer in their marriage to avoid addressing issues in their relationship.

At the same time, I've also seen some young adults make deliberate plans/agreements to live with their parents and while making aggressive payments to pay off their cars, student loans, etc, until they were paid off so they had money to better live on their own. I've also seen where kids have saved enough for a large down payment or saved to pay cash for a small house. Both are a blessing to their children.

As a divorced single parent, I told my kids they could live at home as long as they were working towards a degree and gainfully employed as room and board at home was something I could do to help their education. I did have one who came home after a couple years away at a ministry school and I charged him some rent (I kept $100 for food and secretly put the rest in a savings account to give it back to him to move out or if his car died) since he was used to that doing that with his SSI. He chose to go to a local JC and get a part-time job but when he wasn't going FT to the JC nor working as much as he could after a year, I had to give him an ultimatum to aggressively work and get a degree but I wasn't going to supplement his ability to do whatever he wanted on my dime. He chose to move out.

[newwifenewlife]

Sure it's okay if that's what works for the family.... even once married, it may be for the benefit of all to still share a home. BTDT.... it was a HUGE blessing, and I wouldn't change a thing, because I know my dil's years in our home forever changed the trajectory of her life, therefore my sons and grandkids lives. She didn't know love and peace until she experienced it, literally, in our home and family.

It seems to me that the independent culture is an American thing, not a world or even biblical culture. Codependency is something that needs to be watched out for....and all parties need to respect certain boundaries. But there's some huge benefit in multi-generational homes.

All of this!

[MiddleMan]

We live in a college town. One of our sons went to college and then dropped out. We started charging him rent, and eventually, I told him that he had to be out by age 21 if he wasn't in school. He resented the rent thing (but saw the wisdom of being on his own at 21), but eventually saw how many of his friends were so unprepared for moving out and how much that would cost.

My cousin is about 40 and lives with his parents. He had moved out for a while, but now he is back in. He helps out a lot and my aunt and uncle are getting older so they don't seem to mind. He never married.

Each family has to decide what works for them. I don't know that if I had girls if I would have the same requirement to move out at 21, but it was what our son needed. Also, where you live might be a big factor in that. Some places are just so expensive it makes sense for the kid to stay as long as they are actually putting away some money for future needs.

[vazny]

In our country I have obligation to feed children (pay alimony) so that they have the same standard of living as their parents from birth after the completion of job training or if they cannot work for health reasons. That is, during the entire period of study.

Many parents don't and many can't. And many children do not want to live with their parents. But the law is the law.

And one of the forms of providing cheap housing for children is that they live at home. Some can study without parental support, some cannot. Schools are not very prepared for this, the flexibility of study plans is insufficient. Some fields allow you to work while studying, others do not (medicine).

Housing prices have risen 300% in the last 10 years.

[Deleted User 2294]

Is it okay??? Sure. If it is what is best and both parties agree that it is beneficial. I do believe at some point it should end, and the adult kids should stand on their own. We have had two kids go to college....come back and work for a year or two, then go to professional school, then come back home...until they married and moved out. I wouldnt want them to be at my home for much longer than they were, or I would make them substantially contribute.

[Tantalum]

Why wouldn’t it be OK?
Our son (24) went to university, so he moved out when he was 18, now he’s married and lives with his wife.
Our daughter (21) seems happy at home with us. She’s got a full time job but shows no signs of wanting to leave. That’s fine with us too.

[Mr. Wonderful?]

Just like marriages, family dynamics are going to vary from family to family, so there is no one single right answer (always yes, or always no) to this question.

If the adult child is responsible and working towards furthering his education or starting a career and it works out to stay at home for a time, then yes! If the adult child is using free room and board at home to be lazy, have fun, and not invest in his/her future than I would say it is an unhealthy thing and they should be forced/encouraged to move out. Nothing like having to pay your own way to teach some responsibility and instill motivation.

My parents allowed us children to remain at home as long as we were pursuing education, or getting a start at a job and building up savings. There were still certain expectations of things we were to do/help with around the house, but not more than would be required if we were on our own or living with roommates. This was a tremendous help in keeping expenses low and staying out of debt, and I am grateful for my parents providing that opportunity for me. I also had siblings who eventually were charged rent by my parents and then encouraged/told to move out because staying at home was enabling them more than helping them.