Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?

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alexschulze
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Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?

Post by alexschulze »

Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?
In many cultures children live with parents until they are married,
many stay even after they get married. In US there was a time when
kids left for college they never came back. With pandemic many kids are now
staying home with parents and saving on rent, electricity and groceries, many
have full time jobs and still prefer staying with parents.
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Re: Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?

Post by KatieMarie »

I love my parents, but after I left for school there was no way I wanted to live at home.
The main purpose of life is to live it with the man I love.
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SeekingChange
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Re: Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?

Post by SeekingChange »

Sure it's okay if that's what works for the family.... even once married, it may be for the benefit of all to still share a home. BTDT.... it was a HUGE blessing, and I wouldn't change a thing, because I know my dil's years in our home forever changed the trajectory of her life, therefore my sons and grandkids lives. She didn't know love and peace until she experienced it, literally, in our home and family.

It seems to me that the independent culture is an American thing, not a world or even biblical culture. Codependency is something that needs to be watched out for....and all parties need to respect certain boundaries. But there's some huge benefit in multi-generational homes.
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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newwifenewlife
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Re: Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?

Post by newwifenewlife »

Is it ok? That's up to you. To me the bigger questions are: why are they doing so? Is it healthy for them? Is it healthy for you & your marriage?

I've seen too many young adults crippled emotionally & relationally by their helicopter, controlling or manipulative parents. I've also seen marriages handicapped by young adults living at home because the parents use the kids as a buffer in their marriage to avoid addressing issues in their relationship.

At the same time, I've also seen some young adults make deliberate plans/agreements to live with their parents and while making aggressive payments to pay off their cars, student loans, etc, until they were paid off so they had money to better live on their own. I've also seen where kids have saved enough for a large down payment or saved to pay cash for a small house. Both are a blessing to their children.

As a divorced single parent, I told my kids they could live at home as long as they were working towards a degree and gainfully employed as room and board at home was something I could do to help their education. I did have one who came home after a couple years away at a ministry school and I charged him some rent (I kept $100 for food and secretly put the rest in a savings account to give it back to him to move out or if his car died) since he was used to that doing that with his SSI. He chose to go to a local JC and get a part-time job but when he wasn't going FT to the JC nor working as much as he could after a year, I had to give him an ultimatum to aggressively work and get a degree but I wasn't going to supplement his ability to do whatever he wanted on my dime. He chose to move out.
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Re: Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?

Post by newwifenewlife »

SeekingChange wrote: Wed Sep 21, 2022 10:36 am Sure it's okay if that's what works for the family.... even once married, it may be for the benefit of all to still share a home. BTDT.... it was a HUGE blessing, and I wouldn't change a thing, because I know my dil's years in our home forever changed the trajectory of her life, therefore my sons and grandkids lives. She didn't know love and peace until she experienced it, literally, in our home and family.

It seems to me that the independent culture is an American thing, not a world or even biblical culture. Codependency is something that needs to be watched out for....and all parties need to respect certain boundaries. But there's some huge benefit in multi-generational homes.
All of this!
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MiddleMan
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Re: Is it okay for adult children to live with you until they are married?

Post by MiddleMan »

We live in a college town. One of our sons went to college and then dropped out. We started charging him rent, and eventually, I told him that he had to be out by age 21 if he wasn't in school. He resented the rent thing (but saw the wisdom of being on his own at 21), but eventually saw how many of his friends were so unprepared for moving out and how much that would cost.

My cousin is about 40 and lives with his parents. He had moved out for a while, but now he is back in. He helps out a lot and my aunt and uncle are getting older so they don't seem to mind. He never married.

Each family has to decide what works for them. I don't know that if I had girls if I would have the same requirement to move out at 21, but it was what our son needed. Also, where you live might be a big factor in that. Some places are just so expensive it makes sense for the kid to stay as long as they are actually putting away some money for future needs.
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