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Quote: "There's a dynamic at play in every single marriage..."

Other non-sexual marriage issues.
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newwifenewlife
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Quote: "There's a dynamic at play in every single marriage..."

Post by newwifenewlife »

I was listening to a Sexy Marriage Radio podcast this morning and the following quote jumped out at me: "There’s a dynamic at play in every single marriage, do you want to face the struggle in your marriage now or five years from now? It’s gonna come due, when do you want to pay up?"

Corey is says communication is important but he also adds that sometimes, and certainly in standoff situations, communication doesn't work and that action of some sort should be taken. Obviously, what action should depend on the stalement, how deep and how long the problem is, etc. but he's point to couples stalemates on big issues is proof that communication is not enough if they've regularly talked about it.

- What are some of your thoughts?
- What stalemates do you regularly see and why are they there? Education? Values? Unhealed hurts, habits or hangups? Etc.
- If you are unwilling to address the issue with action with your spouse, what gives you hope that it will change later? Or why are you unwilling to address it head on with action?
- What might be some appropriate actions to end inertia on an issue?
Last edited by newwifenewlife on Tue Aug 10, 2021 9:58 am, edited 1 time in total.
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SeekingChange
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Re: Quote

Post by SeekingChange »

The main "stalemates" I can think of in our marriage have actually been around personality traits/issues. In reality, after trying to change the other, we have had to learn to accept the other as they are, and sometimes that requires boundaries. With certain things, that has taken more than 5 years. ;)
God can change what people do, behavioral patterns that have been in play for decades. He can change what we do to cope, to find comfort, to survive conflict, to count. Rahab had done a same old thing for years... and then she did something new.
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Re: Quote: "There's a dynamic at play in every single marriage..."

Post by Tracker »

Removed by author Sept 15 2021.
Last edited by Tracker on Wed Sep 15, 2021 9:22 am, edited 5 times in total.
lovinglifeasalinewife
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Re: Quote: "There's a dynamic at play in every single marriage..."

Post by lovinglifeasalinewife »

I'll try to attack this since I'm sitting in the car for 2 hours at my sons jiu jitsu class. This kind of hits very close for me in many many ways, so maybe others will have advice.

- What are some of your thoughts?
My thoughts for 2 years have been I HAVE to mourn/grieve the loss of what I thought our marriage would be and be ok with the blessings as they are (we're married 21 years). I was stunned when I looked at my journal the other day and realized I've been trying to climb this wall for TWO YEARS. But...when you're at a stalemate is there any other option? I have tried and tried to address and confront, but my DH exists very much in only black and white spaces. It gets more rigid the older we get, honestly. There is no space for deep feelings, or for him to cherish me. There is business, friendship. We work well together. Black and white.

- What stalemates do you regularly see and why are they there?
The stalemates in my marriage are:
1. physical touch, both sexual and not. There are close to none of either...his choice. I have no idea why? I tend to tell myself that it's because I disgust him, but that's my self esteem issue. My mom ensured I knew I wasnt good enough, pretty enough...so I always go back to that "if I were a size 2 everything would be perfect".
2. Communication, as in he wants to communicate everything with me and I should listen/respond but he doesnt really ask me. Just today he came home and told me all about getting into it with some contractor on his job and live power lines. I love to hear it, I love to be responsive. Reading Love and Respect actually taught me A LOT and me using the respect techniques has been great for DH. But he never asks how my day was. Today after he unloaded that on me it was straight to look at FB on his phone. As usual. Even though I've mentioned it, its again "no, I dont do that, how was your dad, baby?". Afterthought.
3. The stupid phone is another stalemate.
4. Hes sharp tongued and angry and I dont think he means to be but its hurtful. I'll mention it, it will change for a little while, it goes right back to normal. Hes just all business. It all basically goes back to the same thing, black and white. No need for softness or frilly loving words. I mean really...theres no saying hes wrong and I'm right, honestly. I'm sure it's an issue to him that I'm oversensitive and desperate for his attention, want to sometimes cuddle and have sex...none of it is necessary in his B&W mind.

- If you are unwilling to address the issue with action with your spouse, what gives you hope that it will change later? Or why are you unwilling to address it head on with action?
I've addressed it until I'm blue in the face. Normally I am ok, sometimes (like right now) I'm highly NOT ok, I sort of have panic as I write this. I can see blessings, I can fix my eyes in Jesus and count myself as his beloved, be joyful in that...but still. As DH says "yep, our marriage is fine". I'd love it to be great, I think it could be great. It's fine. Its functional for sure. I'm sort of scared about how it will be when the kids are gone because I've now turned my entire self into focusing them, as a homeschool mom who handles all the extracurriculars, too.

- What might be some appropriate actions to end inertia on an issue?
I'm not sure. I keep praying about this. I keep working on myself and my response to him. I wanted so bad to say something today when he didnt even care to ask about my day but in the end...I would have ended up with hurt feelings. I'm working hard on dying to self. I'm mindful about being attentive and not on my phone...I try to work on all the things I want to see him change so that I'm a good example to him and the kids. I'm just not sure. I'm not even sure after I wrote all of this that I understood the questions and in that case...I'm going to feel like a serious idiot when someone corrects me 😂😂 but regardless thanks for letting me get all of that off my chest! If someone else reading here is able to survive in this business/friend marriage model I'd love to hear about it, because I'm drowning.
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Re: Quote: "There's a dynamic at play in every single marriage..."

Post by Oldbear »

Early in our marriage, I took for granted that Mrs. Youngbear would happily be involved in business gatherings, at social events, and with family and friends. One day she came to me, clearly in turmoil (upset, sad, etc.) and said, “I know I’m not the woman you expect or need.” That led to a deep and scary and difficult conversation about our marriage and relationship.

This wake-up call, for me, shifted my expectations and through more conversations, time in the Word, and prayer I fell more deeply in love with her.

From that time, over the several decades of our marriage, we truly grew in our love and respect for our individual differences. I never expect nor does she feel pressure to be more social than who she is.

There is, now, no question that she is the woman that I’ve needed and wanted.
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Re: Quote: "There's a dynamic at play in every single marriage..."

Post by Pearl »

That is so beautiful @Oldbear! That is what I want for myself and DH... When we are old, to look back and see how we both grew to become exactly what the other needed. We may not have started that way, but God is faithful with willing hearts. In our engagement period I of course read ALL the marriage/godly wife booksand wanted so much to "get it right" from square one. Then I felt led to pray that I would be a good wife for my husband specifically, not just checking the boxes. Ten years later and I see how necessary (and difficult) that charge has been!!
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