What if conflict is good?

[newwifenewlife]

@NWNL. One could ask what if confict is bad? Do we need to catagorize types of conflict? Seems at least 2 catagories of conflicts. Those that evolve around Gods laws and other? Not concerned wth other for this post but discussion may cover other as well? Dynamic tentions at times are addressed by Gods law at some level!

I think you miss my point. Too many people act like conflict is bad, wrong, and try to avoid it at all cost because all conflict is viewed as unhealthy. This was my wife’s view for a long time. In my first marriage, I chose to avoid certain “third rail” topics and not get outside help to help us and look what happened, I ended up divorced and my ex is now working on her 3rd marriage. Apparently, I thought the loving thing to do was to keep the peace at all costs…I was wrong.

When there is resolution or both work to an agreed to point where the conflict is defused or provides security and favor to both and family great. Both may feel that the path foward is better and progress was made and it feels good with growth as a couple and or individual And especially if a place God wants us to be too?

Some have unresolved issues concerning Gods laws. I suppose in this case both points of view can be correct for a conflict. But more likely one or both are wrong. If closed with an understanding for both on how to proceed great! And inline with God even better. If the conflct remains unresolved not so good. I would say if the subject conflict is unresolved we have the conflict itself as bad to start with and the results are bad also dealing with it!

If the issue pertains to God's laws some say let your thoughts be known to your mate and let God work to resolution. Grace goes a long way but what if not enough? Some say counceling by trusted elder or similar maybe needed.

If the above efforts remove said conflict cool. Guess one could say conflict was good. If the conflict remains, have to say at that point in time the conflict is bad in that it existed and still does! And may spawn more conflicts or identify others as well which would not be resident if the original conflict did not exist. The new conflicts highlight where more personal growth is needed, but in some respects not needed it seems if the original turmoil was not resident. Like more patience maybe? Just saying.
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You make my point. Proper conflict resolution matures people. Conflict can root out character issues and places where couples are out of alignment. I don’t buy you thinking about spawning other conflicts which are not needed because the original one was not necessary. If a character issue is brought to the surface, “highlighted” as you say, where personal growth is needed, then one can’t claim that it’s not important because God cares about our character. He is working in each of us to become greater reflections of His character and the fruit of His presence. That is part of the beauty of marriage and family, it’s an incubator for God’s character and holiness development. Want to see how unloving one can be? Get married. Want to see how selfish and poorly behaved one can be? Have kids.

Again, the major thought to the question is this: what if we chose to embrace conflict as helpful and necessary at times rather than think it is bad and avoided it? Could we have less divorces? Could we have less abuse? Could we see more grace and forgiveness? Could we have more thriving marriages? I believe the answer to those questions and many others positive outcomes is a resounding YES. How we deal with and handle conflict and work towards resolution, displays God’s character, or lack thereof, in our personal lives and relationships and that’s why I believe more people need to view and embrace conflict more often. What’s the alternative? Stonewalling? Growing contempt and criticism? Bitterness? Hardly seems healthy either

[Deleted User 2828]

SC wrote about Chapman's "Incompatible Marriage" article and here's some things that have been rolling around in my mind that I heard with some of the issues I face or see here on TMB. I have believed for nearly 25 years that as difficult or stressful as conflict is, it can be a healthy thing in a relationship, especially in marriage.

God is using my spectacularly awesome, and most of the time, kind and gracious wife to root out the unChristlike character issues in my personality and temperament that don't honor Him or enable me to model God's love and character to my family the way He's called me to...

Marriage can and will provide a lot of conflict because of the simple fact that the marriage of your dreams quite likely, is not the marriage of your spouse’s dreams.

@NWNL Rewrote my previous responce since discarded! We are saying somewhat the same thing and feel I did not miss your point. But remember I was concentrating on conflicts that were in conflict with Gods laws or goals for us and never resolved basically.

It seems the Chapman’s highlight incompatibility stems from differing relationship goals. What the heck! Would be darn nice to find that out before marriage one would think?

Can we also have spouses who retain unChristlike characters help us root out our unChristlike behaviors. Maybe? I suppose it can help us model God's love and character? And great if conflict can root this out, but it seems some conflicts basically by design are in direct opposition to Gods laws. And at my last reading that is not good in a marriage, but sure may bring joy if unChristlike behaviors rooted out.

You said marriage can and will provide a lot of conflict because of the simple fact that the marriage of your dreams quite likely, is not the marriage of your spouse’s dreams.

Say what. What are we talking about here? I am not talking about dreams here unless violation of Gods laws is a dream?

It seems this can for some of us come down to marriage is not about happiness or character development but living with violation of Gods laws. If you can hobby horse that and survive great.

For the type conflicts I discussed, they are black or white…. Either the marriage is in line with God or not! How you sort this one out defines whether the conflict provides any harvest.

You and others keep talking about Proper Conflict Resolution. Of course, it is of value, but without it you ain’t going any where. And I agree ignoring or burying conflict is bad and a conflict in of itself.

Summarizing your thrust, in my opinion your chief input is conflicts need not to be avoided, not that they are good or bad really. Because best to do that! Who could confront that, so lets view and address conflict more often? Why did I not think of that? Because for some it brought no good what so ever in my experience. If it does yah! Find out why that conflict avoidance exists and one might find a trail to further adventures. But saying get good conflict management, and communication just will not cut it for many, the conflict focus may be shed like water off a ducks back! If really lucky the duck will like the focus though?

Might say for the focus that falls off the ducks there is no experience of healing, grace, forgiveness, correction, or sex. It remaims a bad conflict!

[LBD]

I am a notably conflict averse person. Or one could say I am high in "agreeability", to use the Big Five concept. In many ways, this has served me well over the years, but in others, it puts me at the mercy of those willing and able to take any advantage they can to win at all costs. It also tends to push me into subversion if I do choose to fight, which can eat at one's integrity if you're not careful. So just recently, I did something different. Had a "situation" come up with the wife and I decided, on the spot, that this was not going to stand any longer and I made that very clear. It was a game-changing experience for us both. So, in short, sometimes conflict can be good. It is only in the heat of the forge that the impurities come to the surface and can be done away with. There's scripture for that -

[newwifenewlife]

I am a notably conflict averse person. Or one could say I am high in "agreeability", to use the Big Five concept. In many ways, this has served me well over the years, but in others, it puts me at the mercy of those willing and able to take any advantage they can to win at all costs. It also tends to push me into subversion if I do choose to fight, which can eat at one's integrity if you're not careful. So just recently, I did something different. Had a "situation" come up with the wife and I decided, on the spot, that this was not going to stand any longer and I made that very clear. It was a game-changing experience for us both. So, in short, sometimes conflict can be good. It is only in the heat of the forge that the impurities come to the surface and can be done away with. There's scripture for that -

Exactly. Addressing the conflict instead of ignoring it brought growth of different kinds in both of you. It was an act of integrity for you, it brought needed communication in your marriage, it let your wife know you stood for something and was willing to fight for it, and I would venture to guess that it gave her some more respect for you because you stood up for something.

I know that even when my wife and I might still disagree and don't come to a full resolution on occasion (like at work as well), respectful conflict conversations can bring my wife and I (or with others) closer together, greater respect of others, an awareness of other viewpoints, potentially a richness from differences, and sometimes, we are able to come back for more conversations after time to think (especially if it was emotional) and at times, agreement and/or compromise is possible. My wife never had this in her first marriage and she avoided conflict then with her temperament and her ex's emotional abuse. Now she's found her "voice" and lucky me is more than willing to mix it up but she really disliked it during our first couple years of marriage. Needless to say, we've both grown and our intimacy with, understand of, and respect for each other is greater because of those early couple years and lessons learned.

[SeekingChange]

Man, that OP is loonnng! Without fully reading it again, I had this thought....

When we face conflict, that likely, if not always, means that something has come against a belief of ours. Whether it's a belief of "this is how it should be" or "this is what I, or you, deserve" or "this is right or wrong", etc, etc.

Without conflict (or challenge), would we ever really grow? Without conflict, would our sinful nature ever be revealed to us and we see our need for a Savior? Without conflict, could we ever put to death the deeds of our flesh? Isn't it really the concept of iron sharpening iron?

[newwifenewlife]

Man, that OP is loonnng! Without fully reading it again, I had this thought....

I've been told I have a way with words...sometimes too many of them according to my wife.

When we face conflict, that likely, if not always, means that something has come against a belief of ours. Whether it's a belief of "this is how it should be" or "this is what I, or you, deserve" or "this is right or wrong", etc, etc.

Without conflict (or challenge), would we ever really grow? Without conflict, would our sinful nature ever be revealed to us and we see our need for a Savior? Without conflict, could we ever put to death the deeds of our flesh? Isn't it really the concept of iron sharpening iron?

EXACTLY! I've loved Proverbs 27:17 since I was a teen.

And DW & I have definitely sharpened each other...we've also cut each other in the process on occasion. And each time, we've taken the opportunity to experience healing, grace, forgiveness, correction, and so many more things. It makes me love DW more; and after a good fight, it draws us closer emotionally and yes, I'll say it...sexually.

[Deleted User 2828]

Sorry I am still making sparks about iron sharpening here and of course good conflicts! I know of situations of conflict where none of the prerequisites for successful sword or iron sharping that proverbs 27 17 require, even exist, so said conflicts remain, even after Christian counselars to boot are utilized.

Call it sin, bondages, or Christians self centered beyond comprehension.

My guess is all here would confirm the conflict(s) I speak of should not be part of a family or marriage experience in the first place if disclosed! Why they are selfish and or sinful!

None the less, they do exist, and the issues are not whether conflicts are ignored, the issue is the participants do not meet the criteria for iron sharpening to work in my opinion.

Therefore I call it as I see it multiple bad conflicts. They lack not only the capability to sword sharpen, but remain engulfed in the original quagmire!!!..

It seems to take a positive relationship, trust, or respect for others in my opinion. Best if accountable to others, or friends, church elders, God or God's plans for marriage and family. Without these things conflict in of themselves?

Sure if the conficts resolved what a merry celebration we would have!...Our words bring life or death.

But I do not see how to word the above situation as positive or good. If it is great! Shall I only view the situation as a chance for God to shine? Praise God who can bring light. Do not concenrate on the wrongs but the spirit that can bring right? Planting the right seeds? Say something in the positive way to plant seeds to change what we see?

[LBD]

T-M-B, I seems by your profile, you are still single. Is that the case? If so, then I would propose you really don't understand deep conflict yet. at least not in the way marriage can bring it out. The crucible affect of a marriage can be a forge like no other. However, I do agree, for conflict to be ultimately beneficial, or most easily beneficial, both parties must be willing to submit their will to God. But people are selfish, prideful, stubborn and hard hearted very often.

I am a knifemaker and blacksmith by hobby. So I may have a different, maybe deeper understanding than some of the "iron sharpens iron" verse. If you have two implements of the same makeup, the same hardness, neither will sharpen the other. It is only when one is harder than the other does any edge change occur, and only on one side of the equation. And you only get hardness from metal after it is heated in the forge and the molecular arrangement is changed from the affect of heat. Then it can be shaped on the harder surface of the anvil. To add to the allegory, two metals sharpening each other actually only entails one metal refining the edge of the other. It does not remove material like a sharpening stone does. It rearranges the frayed edge, changes what's already there - but only if one is already harder, more refined than the other. The comparison is that if two weak Christians tried to sharpen each other, not much would happen. It takes one who has become dull to be sharpened by one who is more refined, more mature, "sharper" if you will. It could also require submitting oneself to the heat of God's forge, and allowing oneself to be molded on the anvil of life under the hands of the master smith. In that activity, the impurities come to the surface and are worked away. There is a saying among blacksmiths - "it's a sin to work cold steel." Why? Because it is unproductive and likely to break the work. Maybe sometimes conflict is the heat needed. But you can also overheat a work and make it brittle. You can put weak spots in it that will not hold up to use. So if conflict is the heat, it must be used judiciously.

[SeekingChange]

T-M-B, I seems by your profile, you are still single. Is that the case?

"Single [bed]" is the rank, just like you are "under the stars". T-M-B is/was Tracker previously. He's been around a long time, under various usernames.

[Deleted User 2828]

Removed by author May 2023.