Not wanting kids

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Daniel
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Re: Not wanting kids

Post by Daniel »

Irnmyk wrote: Thu Jun 30, 2022 9:10 am
Otherwise, you are left in a real pickle here, all the drive, and no outlet (unless or until she changes, which seems distant if not remote to me). That way, you'd solve all problems - no sex - makes her happy, no kids - makes both of you happy, no frustration for you - makes you happy, and plenty of time for books and games. Win-Win!!!! :shock:
Well yes Peggy and I have issues in the marriage bed however we BOTH agreed and decided that we didn't want any kids 😅
Tantalum
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Re: Not wanting kids

Post by Tantalum »

Of course it's the couple's decision.
But all I can say is being a father is the most life-affirming, wonderful experience that I have ever had. So I would not have missed it for anything. But I didn't know this until I became a father.
ShayLuv
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Re: Not wanting kids

Post by ShayLuv »

Im on my second marriage and had 2 kids in my early 20s. Divorced and remarried late 20s, my second husband has no children. I was not interested in having more, we sat and talked about it to make sure we were on the same page. Neither of us wanted to have kids, but if it happened, we would be fine with it (an accident oops type thing)

We have been empty nesters for over 10 yrs now and I think many people see us as a childless couple as my sons are off on their own and in diff states and dont know me as the Mom in church groups, running kids to school and sports, I already finished that chapter awhile ago. We have lots of friends in their 40s with several kids, younger ones, we did that chapter already and are enjoying our alone time and freedom to do whatever we want.
KatieMarie
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Re: Not wanting kids

Post by KatieMarie »

Honestly that was the first thing I got asked after our wedding: “How many kids do you want?”. I and my DH want kids, but we don’t think it’s exactly something that we want to plan. Every couple has to make the decision if kids are right for them. So if you don’t want kids, then it’s really none of anyone else’s business.
MrMarried
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Re: Not wanting kids

Post by MrMarried »

Some Christians take 'Be fruitful and multiply' as a command. There are references to being childless being considered as a reproach, and verses like this one:

Psalm 127:3

Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, The fruit of the womb is a reward.
(NKJV)
MrMarried
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Re: Not wanting kids

Post by MrMarried »

When I was younger, looking for a wife, I suppose I thought I would want to have children some day, but I didn't have this strong desire to have children. It was more of a given that it would probably happen.

I had cousins who grew up in a broken family. My aunt's first husband married her when she was a teenager. He had one child with her and left her. Then she remarried another man. She had some mental issues. He drank. They'd fight. He'd beat her up. He broke some ribs and put her in the hospital. I vaguely remember him. He was nice to me. She had three children with him.

Two of these children said they never wanted children. The man never has. One of the girls has been married over and over and has three, the last I checked.

I think if a man marries a woman who says she doesn't want children, he should do so realizing that there is a good chance she will change her mind at some point. Men can change their minds on this, too, I suppose, but it seems like the 'biological clock' thing that women have that rings during a narrower window of time is a bit more intense. There is a chance for us men up into our 60's, and maybe even later, from a biological perspective.

Having become a parent now, several times over, if I were to have had my knowledge and experience back as a 20 something, having kids would be higher on my priorities. I value it a lot now. It is a rewarding experience, and now you have these other human beings who will most likely be a part of your life until you die (though our lives are not in our hands and every breath for all of us is a gift from God).

The concern Christians have about couples saying they don't want children is that it doesn't seem to be placing value on what God places value on, or at least what scripture places value on in terms of marriage and family. Children are a heritage from the Lord. They are a reward. If they are a reward from the LORD, then we should value them, and we should value having children. If God said, "Be fruitful and multiply'-- and it is a command, we should obey it... but if it is a blessing and not a command, we should value it.

My wife is from Indonesia. She heard a fellow church-small-group member say she didn't like kids. My wife was probably my 'future wife' at that stage, girlfriend or fiancee.
We were at a care home. I held a little baby there. She didn't want to hold it. My wife told me later that when Indonesians heard someone say they didn't like kids, they didn't like to have it. Generally, they think of parents who don't want to have kids as selfish, she told me in her language. That was a different way of thinking to me, since the children didn't exist yet, so being 'selfish' seemed an unusual perspective to me. 'Egois' might mean something like 'self-centered' also, which might make more sense.

If someone is gifted to be celibate and chooses that route, devoting himself or herself to evangelism, intercession, or something along those lines, I would expect that person would like children and have a favorable attitude toward them. The Lord Jesus corrected His disciples. He told them to allow the children, and not forbid them, to come to Him. Someone not ___liking___ or loving children (a bit different topic from not wanting to have them, but related), IMO, shows an aspect of their character that needs to be conformed to the image of Christ.

I'll admit, if I hear Christian couples say they don't want children, young children, especially, I may not get up in their business, but it does sound like something might be lacking in their 'development' so to speak in terms of priorities, compassion, etc. I probably wouldn't normally say this to someone I did not know well, but the thread asked the question, so I thought I'd give a forthright answer.

Some people are like my cousin, who doesn't want to have kids because he doesn't want to bring anyone into the world the way it is. He didn't say this, but maybe he doesn't want to mess anyone up. He never married, either. He might have gotten kind of close a couple of times.

I was a parent while I earned a masters and a doctorate, and had two more during this time. It is a lot different for a man than for a woman since we do not have to do the labor and childbirth part. One of my daughters was born right during a final exam of a statistics class while I was overloaded with masters classes. I'd made arrangements with professors just in case. Childbirth after the two years of coursework of a PhD is probably a lot more doable than any other stage of the process, but I wouldn't advise scheduling a proposal or dissertation defense around a due date. I know you say you both don't want kids, but I'm just sayin'.

If she is going the professor route, having kids at an R1 school.... might be more flexible that other jobs in some ways, but the load is tough. She might be able to find a school with lesser research requirements with a lower salary that still offers a good balance... if she wants to go that route. Some PhDs have value in the 'practitioner' domain.
Tantalum
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Re: Not wanting kids

Post by Tantalum »

Well, here's my life experience, as a father of two.

As a young man I didn't really think about whether or not I would ever become a father. At the same time, I must admit I would have found it disappointing if a girlfriend had ever said to me: I definitely and categorically never ever want to have kids. Likewise, I always thought if you are married and your wife wants children, you should not deny her the chance.

So, I met my future wife and she didn't say that she didn't want children.... so, after a while, we let nature take its course and she became pregnant. And for her, it was like somebody turning a switch on. She loved being pregnant and felt very loving and protective towards out baby.

I'm not going to sugar coat it, there is a lot of hard work and sacrifice involved. There were days when we felt our entire life consisted of servicing our children's needs. But it was also a lot of fun and... it made me grow up. I don't think my wife and I really grew up until we had kids.

And now that our two children too are grown up... it's awfully quiet sometimes. So there are night when DW and I are wondering if we should have had more children...
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benny
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Re: Not wanting kids

Post by benny »

I think it's great as long as both of you are in agreement not to have kids. The problem arises when one party secretly wants kids and regrets the decision later.

I applaud your honesty in your previous post about not having time to commit to being a good parent. Recognizing this will save you a lot of heart aches down the road

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