Wife not very interested in physical affection

[tg941]

physical touch is my absolute lowest in ranking with love languages. I don't even think to "touch".... either someone else has to initiate and I will respond, or I have to be very intentional in it. Though "training" has helped it become more of a habit, if my mind is on other things, touching/affection slips by the wayside.

That sounds a lot like my wife. She often doesn't seem to respond, but other times she will initiate if she is being intentional.

[tg941]

Why no babies after 13 years married? Not say it is connected, but it could be.

Frankly, because she wants kids and I'm reluctant. There's other reasons at play, but it is connected...one of the things I'm struggling with is adding kids to a marriage that already feels somewhat hollow.

Do you two fight often, ever?

Never.

[tg941]

I do not think I'm needy at all.

You may not think it but I feel it through the interwebs. You mentioned she/her/wife 25 times, painful twice, fear once and rejected once. These are not words in this context of a self sufficient man. You are reactive to her and that is a desire/attraction net negative. It's OK. I've been there. You can change that.
Watch yourself in the 3rd person this week and take note of every interaction you have with her where you find yourself approval or validation seeking. I bet you'll be surprised.
Honest question - do you have your own hobbies you invest time in and do you have a social life separate from your wife?

Hmm.

In the context of physical affection, I may be somewhat needy. When there's such as complete disparity in interest/desire, I'm not sure it's avoidable. Any initiation or overture is fundamentally needy because we both know that she doesn't care about it for herself.

Outside of that, I'm struggling to see that I'm acting needy. I don't commonly seek approval or validation, even implicitly.

I do have my own hobbies that I invest time in almost daily. I have a little social life separate from her, but not much.

What do you think these ways are and why do you need to do them?

Taking more initiative around the house and spiritually (prayer and devotional times) for starters.

[tg941]

I find it ironic and somewhat humorous that I came here for advice because I have two conflicting tought processes in my head. One saying to take what my wife says at face value, apparently some people don't care about physical affection. The other saying the root cause must be that my wife is not attracted to me/doesn't want me in that way.

And now I'm getting a mixture of advice that agrees with both of those opposite conclusions.

[Tantalum]

It is perfectly possible that your wife is simply telling the truth and that’s just the way she is. In which case it’s not about you. She would be the same with anybody. It’s not your inadequacy.

Certainly seems possible to me. But then what I don't understand is why does she seem so much more affectionate with dogs and children?

Some people are like that.
My daughter, for example, works for an animal rescue charity. She is very affectionate towards the animals, including some I personally find not-quite-so-cuddly, such as rats and ferrets. At the same time she’s never been a touchy-feely person, not with us, her parents, not with anyone else. She’s just like that.

[2pak]

In the context of physical affection, I may be somewhat needy.

Good introspection. Neediness is a desire net negative. It is not something that women respond well to. It's what contributes to unwanted pressure and that distance you feel.

When there's such as complete disparity in interest/desire, I'm not sure it's avoidable.

It can be avoidable.

Any initiation or overture is fundamentally needy because we both know that she doesn't care about it for herself.

...right now. There is a reason for this disparity somewhere. Many times it has to do with one, or both, of two things: the man himself (how he operates) and/or how he makes her feel. There's a lot in that.
I'm only one man who was in your shoes. I started operating differently, then made her feel differently.

I do have my own hobbies that I invest time in almost daily. I have a little social life separate from her, but not much.

This may make a bigger difference in your life than you think. Do you have any interest in increasing your social time? Why or why not?

Taking more initiative around the house and spiritually (prayer and devotional times) for starters.

This is your response to how you can be a better husband, love her better, and be more attractive.
Do you believe these things will increase attraction? Do you think there are men who do what you stated - and do it well are still sexually and relationally starved?

Was there a reason you sidestepped the physical appearance portion of what I wrote.

I ask these things because I care...

[tg941]

I do have my own hobbies that I invest time in almost daily. I have a little social life separate from her, but not much.

This may make a bigger difference in your life than you think. Do you have any interest in increasing your social time? Why or why not?

I'm not opposed to it. I've noticed that I've become less social/outgoing in recent years. This is actually something I've mentioned to my wife, as we've switched roles...I used to be the outgoing "social butterfly" and now she is. I'm not sure if I've changed or those in my social circles have, but being social seems a lot harder than it used to be.

Taking more initiative around the house and spiritually (prayer and devotional times) for starters.

This is your response to how you can be a better husband, love her better, and be more attractive.
Do you believe these things will increase attraction? Do you think there are men who do what you stated - and do it well are still sexually and relationally starved?

I honestly don't know if it will increase attraction or not. I'm sure there are men who do all those things are are sexually/relationally starved.

Was there a reason you sidestepped the physical appearance portion of what I wrote.

Wasn't really sidestepping, just didn't see anything that seemed to need a reply.