I will never travel

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Irnmyk
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Re: I will never travel

Post by Irnmyk »

new.wife wrote: Thu Feb 24, 2022 9:58 am
I forgave him, but I haven't forgotten about the cheating. When HE voluntarily showed proof of himself cheating TO ME out of the blue (video of women in his phone, messages with prostitutes, etc.) he also said "I don't owe you an explanation" with a smirk on his face. He said something similar yesterday when I asked what was wrong. That sent me into a spiral.

I absolutely hate when he says that to me. It is hurtful, and I know he is saying that on purpose. It makes me feel like he is hiding something, just as he did all those years ago.
This comment is troubling. Was this when he initially confessed this, or in the sense that he had brought it up anew again as in throwing it in your face?
David
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Re: I will never travel

Post by David »

When I was thinking about problems with travel, I was thinking more along the lines of it always seeming to be the black guy who gets a hard time at security. If that's happened a few times, it would make a man uncomfortable and nervous about travelling.

However, your comments suggest that there's something in his family background that's not right. You think he's hiding things from you, suggesting you don't fully trust him. The "I don't owe you an explanation" story is setting alarm bells off. Something's really not right here, and you need to get to the bottom of it.
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LHK
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Re: I will never travel

Post by LHK »

new.wife wrote: Thu Feb 24, 2022 9:58 am Those are great points. I do feel an immense loss of control. For the first time, I cannot fix a problem (that I don't understand) because it involves secret feelings in my husband's mind.

When I ask questions to understand him, it makes him defensive.

I would like to work on this. Any suggestions on how to address this when my husband does not want to? I suppose I should just ignore it until he is ready to discuss (probably never).

I forgave him, but I haven't forgotten about the cheating. When HE voluntarily showed proof of himself cheating TO ME out of the blue (video of women in his phone, messages with prostitutes, etc.) he also said "I don't owe you an explanation" with a smirk on his face. He said something similar yesterday when I asked what was wrong. That sent me into a spiral.

I absolutely hate when he says that to me. It is hurtful, and I know he is saying that on purpose. It makes me feel like he is hiding something, just as he did all those years ago.

I ask him for his approval before even buying $2 french fries. I mean, there is not ONE decision I make without his input. I don't even know what battle we are fighting about. I was just doing what I was told (booking a vacation for us), and then now we are here.

The last time he traveled, he went to the Dominican Republic with friends right after his mother died (he was age 30). Maybe he hates beaches because it reminds him of that?

I can't ask because his mother is a very sensitive subject. I have said that she was a lovely lady. He disagreed. I said his childhood was rough. He equated that to me saying that his mother did a terrible job. I just stare back and hold his hand and walk away now whenever he shares anything that happened before the day we met. I just want to avoid a fight.

Essentially, this is my solution. Never talk about his upbringing. Don't ask questions to get to know him better. Never expect to travel outside of Walmart, home, and the gym. Find a way to take a pay cut and or demotion at work so he feels in control with our finances. Don't discuss cultural differences. I am not saying this to be facetious. I do not see any other way to make a marriage work. I am willing to work through these conversations, but he is not. I cannot manage his trauma and insecurities if he does not share them with me.

Last year, I told him: "I need you to help me help us. I can't read your mind."

We are still in the same place.
The bolded section is troubling. The relationship will never grow if you can't communicate with each other. Understand that it takes a long time for a couple to go form "You and I" to "Us", and that will take even longer if you're actively warding off the process that makes the change happen.

As others have said, the process for y'all may be more difficult because you started later and were each more set in your ways.

A couple of questions. Did your pre-marriage sessions get into the previous cheating? Did it go into the cultural challenges? It should have.

The only way I see forward is to get serious couples counseling, counselling that will provide a safe place to begin the conversations you've been avoiding. The really hard thing about this process is that you can only work on you, he has to be willing to work on himself.

LHK
Some say he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong.
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Re: I will never travel

Post by Deleted User 2677 »

He won't work on it. He refuses to do couples counseling. He says I am looking for a problem that doesn't exist. I suggested we do individual counseling (both) as an alternative. He said he is good and doesn't need it.

Our pre-marital counseling did not dive into the cheating or the cultural differences. He refuses to discuss these two topics as well. He always thinks I am insulting him. I explained that I NEVER intend to harm him because I care deeply. I actually WANT to explore his insecurities so we can process and work through them together.

I would love nothing more than to learn how to not trigger my husband's insecurities. I just don't know how.

He is a good man, but sometimes he picks the weirdest fights over the smallest things. I moved across the country for him in October. I have no one here. I work from home. The only person I see is him. I only go to Walmart and the gym. Even my church is online. Bible study is online. I just want to establish community and deep understanding with the one person in my life.

I have no family. I have no ties to anyone. I have a few close friends out of state, but that is it.

I feel like I am so lonely in a marriage that I am failing to fix by myself.

The only thing that I can do is say I am sorry and offer to make him some coffee. I don't know how to resolve anything except to ignore it. There is no resolving these repeat issues because they are rooted in something deeper for him, and we get stuck in a cycle if I try to understand him.

Tons of married couples always say "this is normal" and "they got through it." What did you all do to get out of this cycle? Especially if the husband DOES NOT want to acknowledge his traumas AT ALL. Please help.
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LHK
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Re: I will never travel

Post by LHK »

You've only been married a couple of months. Time may help, even time when you ignore the issues for a season.

My prayer is that God will work in both of you to bring you closer together and make yours a marriage that you, your husband and Christ will all be proud of.

LHK
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newwifenewlife
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Re: I will never travel

Post by newwifenewlife »

Hi new.wife

Please allow me to introduce myself, I am @NWNL's wife. I currently don't have an active TMB account, but DH has shared your posts with me and has asked me to weigh in based upon my life experiences. I hope that's ok. First of all please let me say, I'm so sorry you're going through this, I feel your hurt, anger and frustration through your posts. Please allow me to share a little about myself- I was married to a Narcissist and emotional abuser for 15 years. I divorced him 6 years ago and am now remarried to the wonderful, amazing and wise NWNL :). I have been through a lot of counseling, book/Bible reading, podcast listening, soul searching, prayer and healing in the years after my divorce. I fully admit that I'm reading your posts through the filter of someone who has endured past emotional abuse and I have a lot of pinging red flags as I read. I'm concerned for you that you may be dealing with a narcissistic emotional abuser.

Here are my just a few of my initial concerns based upon your posts:
-The visit/s to prostitutes: I believe prostitution use is a form of control and sexual abuse. It is a horrible decision/experience at the end of a long road of horrible decisions/experiences that have led to prostitution use. What are those decisions? Porn use? Is he an abuse victim himself and must assert control over another person? Additionally, he seemingly gloated to you about his prostitution use and then twisted the knife with a conceited, condescending, smirk. Through my filter, this contemptuous smirk, along with the shutdown of conversation, shows a distinct lack of empathy and was an intentional aim targeted at evoking a severe emotional response off of which he may have fed.
-The control of the money- Using emotional and physical authority over the money is a quick and efficient way to exercise control over the other person.
-His highly charged emotional responses to seemingly small, insignificant matters: narscistic emotional abusers not only feed off of other's emotions but they also train their victims to not cross them or call them out under any circumstance. They fly off the handle in an attempt to train you not to cross them. Again, it's a scheme used to stay in control and if you oppose them, they will make you pay emotionally then they feed off of your emotion. They despise accountability.

This is just an initial and quick response but if you would like to discuss anything further, please reach out to @NWNL for my contact info, Id be more than happy to talk further. I'll be thinking of you and praying for you.
Deleted User 2677

Re: I will never travel

Post by Deleted User 2677 »

Thank you for sharing your story! I am sorry to hear about that experience. My mother has NPD, and I saw that dynamic very strongly between my mother and father.

I don't believe my husband is truly narcissistic since I witnessed that first hand with my mother. I do think he is unwilling to be vulnerable with me regarding his insecurities and fears. This lack of communication and lack of vulnerability frustrates me, and it makes me feel like I am battling things I cannot see or understand.

He made poor choices years ago when he sought prostitution due to his own traumas. He has healed and turned his life around since then and is an entirely new person in that area of his life.

However, the cheating experience still wounded me. I am glad for his healing, but I still get triggered when he fails to communicate with me.

When he fails to communicate with me now, it makes me feel just as hurt as I did back then in that moment (even though the two are not related). I do need to work on that.

I am very financially savvy, and I manage our financial strategy (he has the final say because he is the Husband - but he never disagrees). He definitely does not control our money or my access to it, and I see now how I did not make that clear in my previous posts.

I want his input on even small financial matters to make sure he feels like he is still in the leadership role while he is still learning how to manage money.

He recently got out of debt (intentionally right before he proposed), and this is his first time learning financial strategies that were not ever taught in his family or community (no debt, Dave Ramsey, building wealth, etc.).

We are on the same page with 99% of everything, and he is so loving and supportive. That is why it is VERY apparent when something is off (like the other day).

DH and I chatted last night, and we shared our true concerns. He was sad that he could not provide a fancier trip for us (even though that doesn't matter to me). I was sad that he didn't communicate.

One of the posters was totally correct. It WILL require time for us to learn each other.

I am not a very patient person, and I don't mind conflict. I would LOVE to dive into the mess and I pack all of the ugly just to get to know my husband better (or him to get to know me).

I forgot (until someone reminded me recently) that most people (except for me) DON'T like to be uncomfortable and talk about their traumas, flaws, fears, etc.

I suppose we have to take it day by day and learn to trust each other? Any guidance on that part?
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LHK
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Re: I will never travel

Post by LHK »

Just remember that marriage is a marathon, not a sprint. Try each day to communicate better than you did the day before. Don't beat yourself up on the days that you don't.

When I was about 17, we went to see my mom's parents to celebrate their 50th anniversary. My parents would celebrate their 24th later that summer. I heard my grandmother tell my mom at dinner, "The first 25 years are the hardest". At the time, I didn't understand being alive 25 years, much less married to the same person for 25 or 50 years.

LHK
Some say he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong.
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