Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

How does God fit into our sex lives?
Forum rules
Post in this section can be seen by guests and search engines.
Luckyhubby44
Single
Single
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2024 7:54 pm

Re: Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

Post by Luckyhubby44 »

I am currently on a journey to understand my fantasies, one of which is cuckholding. I have repressed
Them, ignored them, beaten myself up over them, and tried to pray them away. I recently heard a few podcasts where a Christian author named Shannon Ehtridge taught that fantasies can be a minds way of seeking to heal past trauma. So, I just bought her book the Fantasy Fallacy and am exploring my heart and my past about why these fantasies are so strong in me. As I do so I am being transparent in this process with my wife. I want her to know me completely and I want to know her completely. My wife still does not know the full extent of my fantasies but I think she will as we continue to open up.

We will NOT (100% not. Absolutely never) act on these fillings of fantasies. We will explore whether they are safe or good to use as fantasies when together in the marriage bed alone… we do not know right now. We do use fantasy as a marital aid to stimulate ourselves to better sex, but nothing non-monogamous right now. We are just asking question, reading, and seeking to become whole and healthy.

Honestly, the process is making me look deeply within myself and look to Jesus to seek to become a whole and better person.
Paradox
Hammock
Hammock
Posts: 1174
Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2023 1:29 pm

Re: Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

Post by Paradox »

I have known four men who actually tried this. Two of them exploded in to distrust and anger. The third man's wife was so ashamed of herself that she left her husband an her children. The fourth man could not stop asking his wife, "How did it feel?" "What were you thinking while he xyz?" "Was your orgasm better?" and then he basically repeated these same questions over, and over, and over, until she left him.
I would caution everyone who considers this fantasy. Once opened, you can't put all those snakes back in the basket. Even talking about this one could harm one's marriage. It is not a simple school teacher fantasy.
Luckyhubby44
Single
Single
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2024 7:54 pm

Re: Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

Post by Luckyhubby44 »

Paradox wrote: Sun Jul 07, 2024 5:59 pm I have known four men who actually tried this. Two of them exploded in to distrust and anger. The third man's wife was so ashamed of herself that she left her husband an her children. The fourth man could not stop asking his wife, "How did it feel?" "What were you thinking while he xyz?" "Was your orgasm better?" and then he basically repeated these same questions over, and over, and over, until she left him.
I would caution everyone who considers this fantasy. Once opened, you can't put all those snakes back in the basket. Even talking about this one could harm one's marriage. It is not a simple school teacher fantasy.
Paradox, I 100% agree with you that fantasies like these have the potential of leading us down a path of destruction and ruin. If fantasies like these are acted upon in any way in real life, I cannot imagine things turning out well.

In the case of the original poster, it sounds like he is obsessed with this fantasy. People mentioned that he has posted on this topic several times. It sounds like he has not acted out on it but wants to talk to his wife about it. No doubt, there may be dark parts of him that want to coerce her into actually acting out this fantasy.

My argument is that if someone has a deep and dark fantasy/secret like this, they have to make a choice of what to do with their compulsions. I see three paths. First, they can seek to act out their compulsions. My honest opinion is that decision will lead to only pain and destruction. Second, they can choose to repress that fantasy. Perhaps they will have the willpower to repress these urges until they die, perhaps not. If their repression fails, then their fantasy may present at some crazy time in some crazy way. That could also lead to all sorts of consequences, pain, and relational destruction.

A third path is to seek to understand those compulsions without acting on them. I am an individual who has realized that I cannot repress certain sexual desires in my life forever…. But also a man that knows that I cannot and will not act on them. So, I am in the process of digging those dark things out of me, examine them with Jesus, and prayerfully seeking a way to move forward while being a little less broken. Honestly, this third path is scary. It could lead to failure if not handled with integrity. But I have brokenness inside of me, just like it sounds like this original poster has brokenness inside of himself. For guys like him and I, I honestly think that this third path is our best chance for walking in integrity with Jesus and our spouses in the long run. I would appreciate prayers as I seek to walk down this path. Especially, prayers for healing and that I would not wander into sin while seeking to root this brokenness out of my heart.
Paradox
Hammock
Hammock
Posts: 1174
Joined: Sat Apr 15, 2023 1:29 pm

Re: Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

Post by Paradox »

Luckyhubby44 wrote: Sun Jul 07, 2024 11:41 pm
A third path is to seek to understand those compulsions without acting on them. I am an individual who has realized that I cannot repress certain sexual desires in my life forever…. But also a man that knows that I cannot and will not act on them. So, I am in the process of digging those dark things out of me, examine them with Jesus, and prayerfully seeking a way to move forward while being a little less broken. Honestly, this third path is scary. It could lead to failure if not handled with integrity. But I have brokenness inside of me, just like it sounds like this original poster has brokenness inside of himself. For guys like him and I, I honestly think that this third path is our best chance for walking in integrity with Jesus and our spouses in the long run. I would appreciate prayers as I seek to walk down this path. Especially, prayers for healing and that I would not wander into sin while seeking to root this brokenness out of my heart.
You are smarter than the average bear, Lucky. I will pray for your healing. I hope you can describe your progress as you move through it, and help us on TMB to grow in understanding.
User avatar
Crow
California King
California King
Posts: 765
Joined: Mon Oct 25, 2021 7:18 pm

Re: Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

Post by Crow »

There is another theory for why people have fantasies like these, and it’s not because they have any deep meaning at all. The theory is that any strong emotions (especially negative ones) can inadvertently spill into the sexual pleasure part of the brain. If true, then this can help explain why there are so many fantasies around humiliation, shame, fear, and disgust: small penis humiliation, cuckolding, knife play, various BDSM activities, and some disgusting activities I won’t mention. It may also explain why people who eventually act them out do not actually find any satisfaction in them. They are truly empty fantasies with no real basis behind them. This may not apply to you, but I thought that I would mention it.

Do you have issues with OCD? That may also be part of the equation.

You might try seeking out other fantasies and activities which might provoke an emotional response, but in which the outcome is harmless. Maybe take a look at the “Wild & Crazy Sexual Variety Score” thread and see if there is anything there that pushes your comfort zone enough.
Luckyhubby44
Single
Single
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2024 7:54 pm

Re: Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

Post by Luckyhubby44 »

Crow wrote: Mon Jul 08, 2024 4:07 pm There is another theory for why people have fantasies like these, and it’s not because they have any deep meaning at all. The theory is that any strong emotions (especially negative ones) can inadvertently spill into the sexual pleasure part of the brain. If true, then this can help explain why there are so many fantasies around humiliation, shame, fear, and disgust: small penis humiliation, cuckolding, knife play, various BDSM activities, and some disgusting activities I won’t mention. It may also explain why people who eventually act them out do not actually find any satisfaction in them. They are truly empty fantasies with no real basis behind them. This may not apply to you, but I thought that I would mention it.

Do you have issues with OCD? That may also be part of the equation.

You might try seeking out other fantasies and activities which might provoke an emotional response, but in which the outcome is harmless. Maybe take a look at the “Wild & Crazy Sexual Variety Score” thread and see if there is anything there that pushes your comfort zone enough.
Crow, thank you for sharing this theory. I’d love to hear more about it. Do you have any good references, like
A podcast or article or anything so I can study and understand better?

I believe that my wife and I have pushed the limits of sexual adventurousness about as far as a Christian couple can in good conscience. There are some activities that have helped meet some of these needs/Desires/wants. But they are very much on the edge of what should and should not be done. There are certain role plays that we do in the bedroom that help me feel fulfilled without harming the conscience of either my wife or I. But I do also just long for being more whole in this area.

I do not have OCD at all, except perhaps when it comes to desiring some of these fantasies. Maybe it is an expression of OCD. But not in other areas of my life.
Joni
Queen bed
Queen bed
Posts: 101
Joined: Mon Jul 18, 2022 12:43 pm

Re: Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

Post by Joni »

Paradox wrote: Mon Jul 08, 2024 3:18 pm
Luckyhubby44 wrote: Sun Jul 07, 2024 11:41 pm
A third path is to seek to understand those compulsions without acting on them. I am an individual who has realized that I cannot repress certain sexual desires in my life forever…. But also a man that knows that I cannot and will not act on them. So, I am in the process of digging those dark things out of me, examine them with Jesus, and prayerfully seeking a way to move forward while being a little less broken. Honestly, this third path is scary. It could lead to failure if not handled with integrity. But I have brokenness inside of me, just like it sounds like this original poster has brokenness inside of himself. For guys like him and I, I honestly think that this third path is our best chance for walking in integrity with Jesus and our spouses in the long run. I would appreciate prayers as I seek to walk down this path. Especially, prayers for healing and that I would not wander into sin while seeking to root this brokenness out of my heart.
You are smarter than the average bear, Lucky. I will pray for your healing. I hope you can describe your progress as you move through it, and help us on TMB to grow in understanding.
I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this process. Paradox is right you are smart and seem to be very self aware.
Luckyhubby44
Single
Single
Posts: 35
Joined: Mon Jan 01, 2024 7:54 pm

Re: Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

Post by Luckyhubby44 »

Joni wrote: Mon Jul 08, 2024 6:05 pm
Paradox wrote: Mon Jul 08, 2024 3:18 pm
Luckyhubby44 wrote: Sun Jul 07, 2024 11:41 pm
A third path is to seek to understand those compulsions without acting on them. I am an individual who has realized that I cannot repress certain sexual desires in my life forever…. But also a man that knows that I cannot and will not act on them. So, I am in the process of digging those dark things out of me, examine them with Jesus, and prayerfully seeking a way to move forward while being a little less broken. Honestly, this third path is scary. It could lead to failure if not handled with integrity. But I have brokenness inside of me, just like it sounds like this original poster has brokenness inside of himself. For guys like him and I, I honestly think that this third path is our best chance for walking in integrity with Jesus and our spouses in the long run. I would appreciate prayers as I seek to walk down this path. Especially, prayers for healing and that I would not wander into sin while seeking to root this brokenness out of my heart.
You are smarter than the average bear, Lucky. I will pray for your healing. I hope you can describe your progress as you move through it, and help us on TMB to grow in understanding.
I would love to hear more of your thoughts on this process. Paradox is right you are smart and seem to be very self aware.
I do not feel like I have a lot of progress to report except that I do feel like I understand some of the childhood trauma and experiences that helped open up these issues in my life. I’m short, I faced semi-aignificant ongoing trauma from about the ages of 10-16. At the age of 10, I was also introduced to Playboy and had daily access to those magazines during that time. So, I medicated myself from my trauma with Play oh. That seems to have imprinted on my soul the desire for a “Playboy girl.” In other words, a hot girl who is desired by everyone else. Now as an adult, certain events have triggered some of those past feelings and desires. I understand the irrationality and immorality of these wants and desires, but they are there.

For me, understanding some of the roots of these kinds of desires helps me to take away some of their power. I’m still trying to figure out what is next for me in these regards.

At the same time, others of my fantasies do not seem to be rooted in childhood trauma. I honestly believe that they are much simpler. I think that I have let this one fantasy grow in my heart wit the result that it has spawned other related fantasies. Those secondary fantasies are much weaker in their intensity in my heart and easier for me to blow off.

I have been encouraged that my wife and I have been able to talk about all these things. She continues to accept me. But we have no intention or plan to act any of this kind of stuff out.
IndyDad
Double
Double
Posts: 82
Joined: Thu Mar 28, 2024 9:09 pm

Re: Should I tell my wife about my cuckolding fantasy?

Post by IndyDad »

Whew! Sounds complicated. Like most things are. Secondary fantasies, eh? You might consider dreams at night as fantasies and we have no control over our dreams. And night dreams are harmless. Something to consider.
Post Reply

Return to “The Theology of Sex”