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Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

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David
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by David »

From your description, it sounds like you're more than just friends. I don't go about kissing my friends on the forehead. If you're not a couple, don't act like you are. Don't touch, hug or kiss in a way that you wouldn't with any male friends.
I think it would be wise to ensure that you're not alone together, and where possible to ensure that you're generally in mixed company.
And get to know some married guys at your church.
HPFord
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by HPFord »

David wrote: Tue May 25, 2021 11:40 am From your description, it sounds like you're more than just friends. I don't go about kissing my friends on the forehead. If you're not a couple, don't act like you are. Don't touch, hug or kiss in a way that you wouldn't with any male friends.
I think it would be wise to ensure that you're not alone together, and where possible to ensure that you're generally in mixed company.
And get to know some married guys at your church.
I'm not really concerned about us stumbling off and having sex just now. Our relationship is long distance. I'm struggling with, what I perceive to be, mixed signals, and my emotional reactions to them.

I don't go to church.
David
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by David »

I think part of the reason for the mixed signals is that you seem to have some form of flirting relationship that's not a platonic friendship but neither are you actually a couple.

And if you're a believer, start going to church else you won't be a believer much longer.
HPFord
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by HPFord »

David wrote: Tue May 25, 2021 12:09 pm I think part of the reason for the mixed signals is that you seem to have some form of flirting relationship that's not a platonic friendship but neither are you actually a couple.

And if you're a believer, start going to church else you won't be a believer much longer.
Right, I would like to be a couple, but she says that she doesn't want to be in a hurry. That she doesn't want to get into a relationship too fast. Stuff like that.
David
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by David »

I think you might be slightly missing my point.
I know that you *want* to be a couple. However, at the moment you're *not* a couple. From what you've described, it sounds like your relationship is quite flirty and you're acting as if the relationship is somewhere between platonic friendship and romantic attachment. The fact that it's neither one thing nor the other is why you're getting mixed signals.
Establish some boundaries and act like you're friends. Don't chat with her privately over the internet, instead spend time together in company. Make it clear that you're friends and not a couple unless and until you actually are a couple.
LuckyInLove
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by LuckyInLove »

HPFord wrote: Tue May 25, 2021 9:21 am
Well, if you're not thinking of the other person as a potential marriage partner, why would one date them? I mean that guys tend to know very quickly whether they're into a girl or not, while girls spend a lot of time being unsure. They like to hem and haw, and have the guy pursue them while they make up their mind. That is at least, my impression of some percentage of the women I've spoken to.

Which, kinda rubs me the wrong way, and makes me feel like they're just using me for attention, or stringing me along, given that I knew after a few days whether I was interested in pursuing them or not.
Thank you for your responses. It’s helpful for clarification. I’m sorry that your experience with women ‘you’ve spoken to’ has been negative. Your wording in your posts, and the fact that you mentioned your current relationship is long distance makes me wonder if you are actually going on dates with women or are you just talking to them online?

Old person rant: online relationships are NOT dating. There is no substitute for in-person communication and getting to know someone while doing activities together.

Yes, I agree that you shouldn’t pursue women who don’t seem interested. I’m just uncertain if your issue is really about real in-person relationship fails or if it’s just talking to women on the internet. Apologies if I’m reading into your posts too much or erroneously.
David
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by David »

Just to pick up on a couple of points.

You say that the relationship is long distance. Have you thought about how that will affect any romantic attachment? In my experience, long distance relationships fail more often than not.

You seem to be interested in dating Christian women, and yet you say you don't go to church. Have you considered that this will likely be a deal breaker for most?
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hastentheday
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by hastentheday »

David wrote: Thu May 27, 2021 12:09 pm Just to pick up on a couple of points.

You say that the relationship is long distance. Have you thought about how that will affect any romantic attachment? In my experience, long distance relationships fail more often than not.

You seem to be interested in dating Christian women, and yet you say you don't go to church. Have you considered that this will likely be a deal breaker for most?
I'm just going to put a plug in for long distance relationships and how they can succeed. I was in one with DW and we have been married between 30-40 years, just going to throw that positive tidbit out there. However, I would not say it was easy and we were in the same vicinity the last several months before marriage.

@David,
I think your point about dating, Christian women and the church is a solid observation and should be considered as worthy advice.
2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind."
David
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Re: Feeling "done" with pursuing women.

Post by David »

It's certainly true that long distance relationships *can* work, but it adds an extra challenge, and you need to work out how, as a couple, those challenges will be faced.
Better to think about it in the beginning and decide it's not going to work than to blunder on and find out the hard way.
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