divorced; considering dating ; prayer

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afoxandabunny
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divorced; considering dating ; prayer

Post by afoxandabunny »

Hello,
It's been a while since I've been here. should change my username bc my ex and I called ourselves fox (him) and bunny (me), but he and I aren't together anymore...

I was on the boards a while back. I had a rough marriage for many reasons. My ex ultimately became transgender and we've been divorced since last spring (have been separated over two years). I have dated a bit, but nothing serious (tho I did have a major crush on this one guy I never met in that time.... long story). Mostly trying to focus on healing (which I'm still doing bc everything was so traumatic I'm in therapy and in a program called prayer counseling ); it's a slow process.

I want to be married again and have a family someday. I'm also truly terrified of this after my fiasco of a marriage. Recently a man who I'm friends with asked if I would be interested in dating in the future. He is a godly man and we have a nice connection. At first I wasn't sure if there was a romantic spark but I agreed to spend more time w him because he's a good guy, but the more time we spend there is definitely something but it's not crazy fireworks but there is definitely some spark. We are enjoying getting to know eachother, and just considering ourselves special friends. We know we are both interested but he knows I'm still healing and need to take things slow. I'm still healing from everything. he is a good guy. We have many compatibilities; he's a few years younger (he's almost 29 I'll be 32 in the spring) , and no kids but he is great w my daughter. He prays with me before bed. We want to wait on the Lord as to if He wants us to be friends or more than friends. Please pray. I am terrified to get into another bad relationship. Very nervous bc I have sucked at decision making regarding relationships in the past; tho many have told us we would be a compatible match. our families actually both have said they could see us together and thought that long ago when we asked their opinions on us dating in the future. I asked one woman at church who he does handyman work for her opinion and she said nothing but good things about him and even said she's thought about us being a good match and prayed about that . I feel kinda confused after everything but just enjoying the friendship in the moment. we r praying anything else becomes very clear

I am a little nervous after things went too far physically w my trans x ... I'm scared this will happen and it will blind things. we are in no place to marry for a while and we both are on the same page of waiting for physical intimacy till marriage. He's a virgin but has fooled around w a girlfriend and that went too far. I am obviously divorced so I'm not. we talked about not kissing until we know that we should be a couple if that happens (but hug hold hands which is nice).... we accidentally kissed last night in the car. I felt bad esp bc my three year old was there. he felt bad too. I think we have to be more careful bc that can cloud things and I worry about starting something we can't stop.

Anyhow. please pray for wisdom discretion and guidance for me and this friend as we seek the Lord in this. thanks.
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Re: divorced; considering dating ; prayer

Post by Irnmyk »

Well, welcome back to the Board, and sorry for the tragic journey that it has been getting back there.

Frankly, you sound, from what you wrote, to have your head screwed on pretty good after what you have been through. You have every right to be tentative and fearful about this. You've been burnt, and burnt badly. One learns upon picking up a hot horseshoe that it is a bad thing to do and can cause hurt, but just because the lesson is learnt, and the horseshoe is dropped and the pain subsides, doesn't mean that the scars will automatically disappear. Your scars will be with you a long time and maybe a lifetime.

To me, your situation seems good. Your bludgeoning relationship is based on friendship, not hormones (too much). Some of the best marriages that I have known were based on a solid friendship prior to romance. To me, the age difference is next to nothing at your respective ages.

You mentioned "...a lady at church...". That tells me that you are a church going person, and hopefully a Believer, and, hopefully a believer in the Holy Spirit and its place and role in our lives.

One of the other members of the site @SeekingChange said something that I thought to be powerful in a post that I had read immediately prior to opening yours that - setting the reason for the other thread aside - I think applies to your situation:
SeekingChange wrote: Sun Dec 12, 2021 6:20 am
To the hurting, doing what is right and even following where the Spirit leads does not guarantee you'll be protected from hurt...in actuality, you will be called to lay down your life and be a living sacrifice. You may feel everything in you has died, and the only spark of hope you carry is the knowledge your God is a resurrection God and can bring dead things to life. Psalm 139 says wherever you are, no matter the depths and no matter how dark, He is there. In your Spirit-led wilderness visit, where all seems to be lost and dark, and you feel as helpless as a newborn in your Father's arms....God will give you Himself, you will see Him and know Him. And He will breathe new life back in you....it's a process. A surrendered life isn't easy, but it's good.
Now, if anybody has been through a wilderness experience, it is undoubtedly you. And it has been one that it will be a slow, difficult slog/climb out of/back from. It seems like you are sensing the Spirit moving in your life, and I encourage to seek that and in the end, trust that. Pray for that, and pray for an answer - doors to be opened or closed. The Spirit, if He/It is part of your life will deliver, I promise you.

You mentioned that you had had advice from the 'handyman lady', but I encourage you to seek advice from his peers, men. Men know men, and women know women, and often I've seen where a man will like a woman, but the women around her knew her true character, and what they had to offer wasn't encouraging. I think that this works in reverse too. Other men will be a good judge of this guy's true character, so if you have that avenue available to you, use it.

Keep going, step by step, pray for the Hand of God to guide you through His Holy Spirit, and I believe that this can have a good outcome, regardless of what it turns out to be.
Last edited by SeekingChange on Sun Dec 12, 2021 7:23 am, edited 1 time in total.
Reason: Corrected reference in quote
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newwifenewlife
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Re: divorced; considering dating ; prayer

Post by newwifenewlife »

Welcome back "Bunny". My heart again breaks for you because I understand much of the pain and emotions you have and are going through after separation and divorce because I've been there and so has my wife. Many things I want to say again can be found in a long reply on (pg 3 of thread) to a previous post of yours so I would encourage you to read that response again.

viewtopic.php?f=94&t=2550&start=20

With that said, here are some concerns I see and questions I would ask:
- you asked for prayer and "considering dating" but I'd say holding hands and coming anywhere near a kiss is a far cry from "considering" it. (I'm not judging what your choice is, I'm just asking to see if you're really being honest with yourself and the situation.)
- How the heck did you "accidentally" kiss in front of your daughter? Were you not careful or are you just getting too close too soon? What boundaries do you have in place?
- Physical contact speeds up the process of bonding (see 12 steps of pair bonding) and physical contact short-circuits the process of developing good communication skills and clouds relational judgment. Don't let your "tingles" cloud wisdom and good judgment.
- This man has already shown that he did not lead well in a previous dating relationship, what's changed? How & why is he trustworthy now? Being a nice guy in public and to others, will not help you in an abusive or difficult married relationship later. Only you will make that choice.
- Have you made an honest eval of what happened to your husband in your previous marriage? You said you did it wrong with him physically, is there anything else that you missed/avoided in your "picker" that you need to address and heal and get help for? (I could tell you multiple stories but I won't.)
- Respect yourself and demand the utmost and highest respect for yourself and your daughter.
- are you personally comfortable by yourself/alone? Is your goal wholeness and healing alone and with Jesus or are you trying to fill a void with a male relationship?
- The best gift you can give your daughter is a whole and healthy mommy, not a new daddy!!!
- Do you have healthy relationships with other SAFE, healthy Godly females who can also speak truth into your life and love you well enough to challenge you and any poor choices and behavior when needed?
- Don't settle for the feelings and tingles of being a "family" while doing activities together with any man until the time is to marry.
- You have to protect your daughter and any man from attachment; otherwise, you will probably miss cues and yellow flags and end up in a world of hurt 1-5 years from now. I’ve known people that should not be together stay together, not for their relationship, but stay because of attachment to the kid, or the mom knows what’s best but stays because the kid is now attached to the man. For a variety of reasons, most 2nd marriages (and beyond) don't survive the first few years and certainly not past 7 years. This is due for a lot of reasons, many marriage probably shouldn't happen and could have been avoided if time and active healing, due diligence, accountability, and just plain smarts had been utilized. Those who chose to go forward have to do all that and then have a personal commitment to maturity, sacrifice and service and as a couple. Add kids and all that work and pressure is multiplied. TRUST ME!!! And no matter how good it is or feels with the kids dating and before marriage, it will turn at some point, and even become a living hell. (This is true even when a bio-parent is a drug-addicted, abusive, piece of work and the step-parent has unconditionally loved them for 5-17 years. It just does.)



--Go through DIVORCE CARE
--Read the old book TOO CLOSE TOO SOON.
--Read any "stepfamily" books from Ron Deal. If the first couple chapters of some of his books don't scare the ### out of you and make you question being in a relationship, you're not ready to date and even think about getting serious because the problems and issues you'll face as a blending family now or in the future can drive your marriage to it's knees and for many, divorce court...and if you make a poor choice for a spouse, the statistics are even higher. Not everyone is cut out to be a stepparent, let alone add in crazy ex issues (now OR in the future). My ex (we have adult kids) has been a pain at times. My wife (teens in the house) said her ex will not be a problem...and he for the most part, he wasn't for 3 years. Now he's created more problems, tension, and chaos in our home. My wife and I have had to grow and navigate VERY difficult issues with him and her girls.


Those are just a "few" of my thoughts. I will pray that you'll be wise and use due diligence in your healing and relationships. I've been in your place, I know what loneliness and celibacy is...10 years of it. There is life after divorce and there is hope and healing and the potential for a great marriage with God's direction and leadership. The road is long and hard and my prayer is that you'll do the work to because as difficult as it is, when you do it right, it is worth it...even during the dark and difficult times. May God bless you and meet all of your needs!
Last edited by newwifenewlife on Wed Dec 15, 2021 3:55 am, edited 1 time in total.
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PaulB
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Re: divorced; considering dating ; prayer

Post by PaulB »

First, you have my prayers.

I have a male friend who is divorced, not his idea. When he decided to start dating we talked specifically about sexual limits. When he found a girl he really liked, I started to ask him if he was "winning". Usually, I get a yes. Once I got "mostly" and when I pressed he confessed they had crossed their line, but not by much. He knows I will ask, and that helps him do what he wants to do.

So if it comes to it, do you have a girlfriend who will help you decide where the line should be and ask you regularly if you are winning?
Happily married for 36 years and living the good life near two of our grandsons!

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one_woman_man
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Re: divorced; considering dating ; prayer

Post by one_woman_man »

Hey, Bunny, thanks for sharing with us where you are at!
Having followed your story over the years, I have wondered how you were doing and have prayed for you! I'm pleased to hear of the positive and constructive steps you are taking.

I want to affirm you in taking time, becoming friends first, praying and seeking God's direction, including family and friends in the discernment process, etc. Also, as Paul said, it will be so good to be able to remain pure - whether you two marry or not.

I encourage you to take more time as you heal more, get counseling and get to know each other. Allow God to reveal his will and His way in His time!
Last edited by one_woman_man on Mon Dec 13, 2021 3:37 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: divorced; considering dating ; prayer

Post by sd595 »

afoxandabunny wrote: Sun Dec 12, 2021 4:37 am Anyhow. please pray for wisdom discretion and guidance for me and this friend as we seek the Lord in this. thanks.
Good to see you hear; praying for wisdom for you both!
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